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Current Novus date and time is

▶ Year || 503
▶ Season || Spring
▶ Temp || 43℉ (8℃) - 70℉ (21℃)
▶ Weather || The weather radar really does seem to be off the charts lately...
I wonder what's going on? (#15-19)

Spotlight

Character of the Season
Pavetta

Member of the Season
Nestle

Thread of the Season
A land of absence
and root and stone


Pair of the Season
Bexley and Acton

Quote of the Season
"And all the while her mind, her blood, her fierce and fearless heart was singing, singing, singing." — Shrike in We're under attack!

see here for nominations


DISCORD

Low Activity - My father has passed away
inkbone — Administrator Signos: 3,065
▶ Played by inkbone [PM] Posts: 254 — Threads: 36
▶ Female [She/Her/Hers] Hth: ∞ — Atk: ∞ — Exp:
▶ 28 [Year 475 Spring] Active Magic:
▶ 15 hh Bonded:
#1
05/26/18, Saturday.

I went and saw him again. He's awake and engaging, but very tired. I sat at the end of his bed while he dozed in and out of sleep. I was sniffling but tried hard to keep quiet and out of his line of sight. He woke up and heard me right away, as fathers do.. he's always had that sense. He called me over to sit beside him, and when we looked at each other, I cried. Until this point, I have never cried in front of him. 

He frowned, put his weak hand on my cheek, and wiped my tears away. 'Stop that' he mouthed, and I just shook my head and held his hand. "I want you to fight to get better, dad," I told him. I felt like a child once more as I cried into his hand and looked at him, asking "Promise me?" He smiled a very serene, forlorn smile and nodded. 'Don't you worry, I promise,' he mouthed. And like a child, I held up my pinky. "Pinky promise?"

I pressed my hand into his own and wrapped my pinky around his. He couldn't do it on his own - either he couldn't bring himself to, because he knew, or because he was just too weak. "You know I love you so much, right?" were words easily said, but so very difficult at the same time. He nodded, and mouthed 'I love you too. Don't worry.'


5/27/18, Sunday. 

Early Sunday morning, my father had a stroke and slipped into a coma vigil.

George - my strong shoulder and loving boyfriend - kissed my father on the forehead before we left that night and told him "It's okay to go. I will take care of her for you." When we left, we saw a rainbow overhead and a cardinal sitting by our car.


5/28/18, Monday.

We went to the hospital and spoke to so many doctors that I hardly remember any of them. They know, as do we, that he won't pull through. He may never come out of the coma vigil. His body is too weak, but he's fought the good fight. He's a shell of something that's very distinctly not my father - he may hear us, but he can't respond to us. His beautiful blue eyes were turned to the bright sky outside of the window. They gave him some medication to ensured he stayed calm, and then - per his will and our wishes - disconnected everything. He did not pass because of the medication; he passed peacefully because his body was ready.

The hole that has opened in my heart is deep. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't give to have him with me, to hear his voice, to have my best friend and biggest supporter back at my side. There's so many things I wanted him to see! To have him watch George and I get married and him walk me down the aisle, to see his grandchildren (should we ever have them), to see our first house and all the quirky ways we want to decorate it, to shower love on my dachshund Mango and corgi Odin once more.

It's comforting to know he'll always be looking over me, but the fact remains: I am selfish and want nothing more to have him physically here with me. I am so lost without him. In the back of my mind, I still want to believe he's just sitting in his hospital bed, waving at everyone who passes by his room, and that I'll see him again next week.

To all of my Novus family, you missed out on one amazing person. He's incredible, and I want you to love him just as much as I do! I will see him again one day... hopefully later rather than sooner, for as badly as I do wish to hug him again, I know my place is here. Please hold your loved ones close. For me, for him, for yourselves.


Rest in peace, daddy. It may have been your time, but it will always feel too soon.


As of 05/28, I am on a roleplay hiatus for an undetermined amount of time.
While I will continue my staff duties, I cannot promise that my muse will cooperate enough to do posts for my own characters.





About two years ago, my father underwent surgery when they caught the cancer incredibly early on (two spots, .2 and .5 centimeters). The lung surgery went fine, but he developed pneumonia a couple months afterwards - which wasn't a big deal, either. But they soon after found his carotid artery was 100% blocked, which lead to one of his kidneys dying. Since this was an emergency and he was at risk for losing both his legs and other kidney, they weren't able to wait the standard 60 days after the pneumonia had cleared.

Once again, surgery itself went fine, as my dad is a stubborn Italian New Yorker. Recovery..... this time, not so much.

Right after this second surgery, he developed fluid on the lungs - something he was more susceptible for due to the pneumonia. Unfortunately, even knowing this, the hospital did not adjust his fluid input. He ended up going into respiratory failure three days after his surgery. 

Even with my spotty memory loss issues, I still very vividly remember walking in that morning. The night prior, at 11PM, I kissed my dad goodnight and told him I'd see him tomorrow morning. He smiled at me - out of bed and sitting in his chair, bright and cheery as he always was - and said he loved me and would see me tomorrow, too. I walked out the ICU door and looked over my shoulder to smile and wave at him: "Love you! Sleep well!"

When I got back the next morning, he was a shell of what he was the previous night. He lay on the ICU bed, unable to get up, taking abnormally deep breaths but appearing to be mostly asleep with his oxygen mask. In just a couple hours since I last saw him, he looked so much older and grayer. I remember sitting down bedside, and my gut telling me something was wrong.

The rest of the day was a mind-numbing blur. Less than an hour after after I arrived, he went into severe respiratory failure for the first time. I was alone in the hospital room swarmed with nurses and doctors, learning how he had sat for 30+ minutes with an blood oxygen (SpO2) level at 79% without any additional assistance other than a now-useless oxygen mask.

88% is considered critical.

I remember nothing else about the rest of that day. Over the next two months, he was medically sedated and intubated 5+ times, because every time they pulled him off the ventilator, he'd go into respiratory failure again. They tried so hard to wean him off the sedation and off the ventilator. I spent days in the hospital, looking after him late into the night, even though most of his nurses were very nice and well-meaning. One evening, he had a new night shift nurse that I only saw that night, and never again.

At midnight, she sat beside me, someone less than 24 years old at the time and who was blessed to have yet to lose a parent or grandparent. It's surreal how she was so sweet but I felt her words dig into my soul and twist; how they'll never leave me. 

'It might be time to think about quality of life.'

Until that very sentence, I was convinced nothing was "really" wrong. I'm not mad at her; she had good intentions. I was delusional and my emotions were forcing up a mental barrier, making me think everything was somehow perfectly OK and my dad was just innocently taking a little bit longer to get better. My father has always been my rock, and the idea of losing him... well, my mind simply rejected the thought.

I am beyond blessed for the strength my father has shown his entire life, and continues to show. I stayed with him often in the hospital, talking to him when I didn't think he could hear me. The doctors thought he would never get off the ventilator, but he did. He resurfaced, overcame the odds, all when the waves were so very close to overtaking him - I admire him so much for the fight that's in his soul. When he was released from the hospital, I held him tighter than ever - and for the second time in my entire life, he cried.



It's no surprise that all of our stomachs turned when, three weeks ago, we found out that another mass had formed in his lungs. 
Within two weeks, they had the surgery scheduled.

Five days ago was that surgery, and it was successful. They confirmed the mass was cancerous.

Four days ago, he hit a snag in his recovery.. due to only having one kidney, his body couldn't process the pain medication they were giving him and he overdosed. He was unresponsive and unconscious when they administered Narcan to bring him back. Later that day, he had to be sent back to the ICU due to fluid starting to accumulate on his lungs. 

Three days ago, he was begging to see me, even though I was an hour and a half away at work.. when I called him, he was frustrated that he couldn't take the oxygen off to speak to me. 

Two days ago, he had to be intubated because he kept ripping his oxygen mask off.



I know he's scared, and watching the strongest figure in my life struggle so hard... it just chips away pieces of my soul. Some days I'm an emotional wreck, some days I'm positive - most often I'm somewhere in between. My anxiety has taken hold in a horrid way, and I feel it creeping into the back of my mind again. I know the depression follows it, but I'm trying so hard to fight it. I can't let him see me doubt his recovery; I just can't. I don't want to doubt that he'll get better, and I hope with everything in me that he will.

I'm not gone, nor will I be leaving - I doubt that would ever happen; I love you all and Novus far too much. Just understand that I'm trying... but I can't lie and say I'm not struggling. 



UPDATE 5/19 [SAT] - I technically had to miss this week due to a utility emergency at my apartment and wasn't able to go down and see him in person. When I called his wife, Lia, she told me that he was asleep the entire time she was there. She said when the doctor, her, and him talked a few days prior, they explained how the vent may become permanent unless he works very hard. He got scared, looked at Lia, and mouthed "I will work hard. I promise."

UPDATE 5/12 [SAT] - He's been getting better; small baby steps. The feeding tube allows him to get good nutrition, so he seems more alert. They've been sitting him up in the chair and weaning him as his body tolerates. It doesn't tolerate much, but something is better than nothing.

UPDATE 5/05 [SAT] - Surgery went well, took a lil longer than expected due to the scar tissue buildup from a previous surgery. But he has the feeding tube in now and is getting good nutrition. We'll see how he improves soon.

UPDATE 4/29 [SUN] - Saw dad yesterday. He doesn't look great; he's losing a lot of weight. He agreed to the feeding tube surgery after we explained that it was the last possible way to get his body any form of nutrition. While it's better than the alternative of him refusing the surgery.... he's very weak and the surgery alone is very risky. They're performing it tomorrow, and I took off work to be at the hospital all day - to see him off to surgery, and in case anything happens.

UPDATE 4/27 [FRI] - Dad's having a hard time being weaned off of the ventilator, even though he's sitting up in the chair for longer periods. He has a blood clot in his right arm, and his stomach isn't digesting any food that they're putting in with the feeding tube. He needs nourishment, as his body cannot sustain itself only on fluids... the only remaining option is to put a feeding tube directly into his lower intestine. However, this would require him to go under anesthesia while they do the surgery, and the second dad heard surgery, he said no...... but there's no other option. If he doesn't consent, he'll just keep losing weight. Or worse. I'm trying not to think about that. 

UPDATE 4/19 [THU] - This past week has been tough, but my father is stubborn beyond all belief and the hospital is beyond amazing. He's been slowly and steadily improving... the pneumonia is (mostly) gone (knock on wood), they're getting the staph infection under control, and are slowly working on weaning him off of the ventilator. Their goal is to get him to a point where he can be transported to a proper rehab facility, as the current hospital does not do rehab. Today, he's sitting up in his chair for the 1st time in nearly 4 weeks!!

UPDATE 4/14 [SAT] - During his near death experience on the 13th, the staff started pumping heavy antibiotics into his system, in an attempt to bring him back.. the dialysis helped, and by the time I left on the 13th, he was conscious. He could look at us and make eye contact, understood what we were saying, and would nod or shake his head.

UPDATE 4/13 [FRI] - I received a call from my stepmother today... the hospital explained he may not make it, and advised family to come visit. I don't think I've ever felt my heart shatter into so many pieces, and that 2 hour drive to the hospital - trying (and failing) not to sob hysterically - was one of the toughest journeys of my life. Severe staph infection, mrsa, pneumonia, gastroparesis, hypotension 70/50 BP, and kidney failure. They did emergency minor surgery to get 24hr dialysis setup, and then another one immediately afterwards to drain the fluid on/around his lungs. He was put back on the ventilator, and when we arrived... he couldn't even respond to us. He knew we were there, but he wasn't "there."

UPDATE 4/12 [THU] - My dad had to be put back on the ventilator and heavily sedated.

            



Reichenbach — Guest
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#2
Oh my gosh Ink I'm so terribly sorry that you and your family are being put through this — Cancer is hell, and nobody deserves the pain and suffering it brings with it. I know you already know the community here will be behind you every step of the way, just know I'll be sending as much love and hope your way as I can -- it hurts my heart to think of how you must be feeling, and I can't say I would be a strong as you are if my Dad was in the same position. 

Sending as much hope, love and good thoughts as I can. xx


Keira — Guest
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#3
Pretty much all that Space said <3 If you ever need to talk or vent I’m always willing to listen hun. Cancer is a scary thing to go through no matter what.


sid — Administrator Signos: 3,328
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#4
I am honestly crying while reading this. Ink, you and your father are so incredibly strong and I can hardly imagine the toll this must be taking on you guys, but I love you and all my thoughts are with you <3 Please let us know if there's anything you need, and know my inbox is always open to you ;u;

And seriously, take all the time you need <3
     



roo — Guest
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#5
You and your dad are one of the strongest individuals I’ve ever met. Cancer is a nightmare and hell all on it’s own, and everything that comes with it. My heart hurts for both of you. I’m so sorry.

We are always always always here for you <3 We love you, Ink <3 You and your dad are in our thoughts. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do.


inkbone — Administrator Signos: 3,065
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#6
I wanted to formally say thank you to everyone for the well wishes. I know I've been quiet about this issue, but mostly because I'm still trying to process it.. and to be honest, trying to avoid getting my hopes up. He was doing really well in the ICU, his lungs started clearing up, and he was spending most of the day off of the ventilator breathing on his own.

Unfortunately, it seems he's had to go back to being heavily sedated on the ventilator. So we'll see where things go from here... :(

            



inkbone — Administrator Signos: 3,065
▶ Played by inkbone [PM] Posts: 254 — Threads: 36
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▶ 15 hh Bonded:
#7
Rest in peace, daddy. It may have been your time, but it will always feel too soon.



To all of my Novus family, you missed out on one amazing person. He's incredible, and I want you to love him just as much as I do! I will see him again one day... hopefully later rather than sooner, for as badly as I do wish to hug him again, I know my place is here. Please hold your loved ones close. For me, for him, for yourselves.


As of 05/28, I am on a roleplay hiatus for an undetermined amount of time.
While I will continue my staff duties, I cannot promise that my muse will cooperate enough to do posts for my own characters.

            



Dingo — OOC Account Signos: 25
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#8
Oh, Ink, I am so, so sorry for the pain and loss you’re experiencing. I can’t even imagine.

I lost my father unexpectedly back in 2014 - I am here for you always and hope you know everyone else here is, too.

Sending lots of love <3333


Come and plot with me!! Click the pixels above to check out my crew!



Florestan — Night Court Youth Signos: 605
▶ Played by krazie [PM] Posts: 5 — Threads: 2
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#9
I can’t even begin imagine what you’re going through... but know that we’re all here for you, Ink. <3
[Image: UMxjwse.png]
I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmèd darkness, guess each sweet




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