A s t a

Trigger warning: Suicide, Depressing Thoughts, Death: Please skip to next bolded and underlined section if necessary <3

Fire, mayhem. All around me the world seemed to be going up in smoke.
I spun towards a familiar sound, reaching out as Runa fell through a vent into the flames and magma below.
A cry tore from my chest, raw, filled with emotion I dare not let out.

I couldn't help it. I couldn't help her. The tears were leaking from my cheeks, as I dug at the ground for my hooves, as if digging deep enough would bring her back. All around me, more chaos ensued, others falling to the heat below, while more ran for safety that would be denied. This was it, this would be the end of the world. The ground caved out from beneath me, and I smiled, knowing I was about to join Runa again. Perhaps this would truly be my final death.

My eyes fluttered, and a weak sound left my tiny muzzle. I slowly sat up, to a desolate waste land. The familiar forms of my court lay dead. The magma was hardening now, turning dark, black. As black as the endless night. I shook as I climbed to tiny feet, and I stared in horror. Why was I back here, why was I here at all. The world ended. This was it. There was no more life, just death all around me. I stumbled back, tripping over a rotten, burnt log. This time, when I fell back into that magma pool, feel the heat engulf me, I'm afraid to wake up again.

It had been a long time since I was afraid to be reborn.

But I was terrified. My eyes snap open, and it must have been longer this time. There was nothing left of Novus. No plants. No trees. No bodies. Just a wasteland of hard rock. I turn towards where the portals had been, to see empty arches. The magic was gone. So I ran, I ran to the top of the jagged, unfamiliar peak of what had once been Veneror Peak. I shouted to the gods, desperate for an answer, to not be alone. But nothing returned. I flung myself off the cliff that time.

The next time I came back, I was more alone than ever, and I stayed curled up, my tummy hungry, my little foal body unable to find anything to eat.

I didn't last long, life after life, tiny form after tiny form, refusing to get up, as the world continued to grow more desolate, as the sun stopped shining, as the world grew cold and icy, a rock that was uninhabitable, and yet . . . I remained.

Trigger Warning Concluded. Normal from here on out.

I jolt awake, blonde forelock caked to my sweat-rich face. I'm breathing heavily, but I can't shake that feeling, I can't shake those fears. Being left alone, after the world stops. I climb to my feet, blinking back the tears that want to fall, and instead march to my parents. I'm going to Veneror Peak . . . I need to pay my . . . regards . . . to Vespera." My parents look surprised, but can I blame them. I don't normally speak about the goddess that I don't really believe in. But right now, I needed something, a response, a reassurance, a chance to scream, yell, beg that this won't be my future. My mother scrambles to her feet, eager to appease me, even as my father calls for three bodyguards to accompany me. Oh, my little hope, please be safe, come back soon. I ignore my mother's cooes, I'm still lost in the memories of the dream.

I follow the guards, allowing them to surround me, lead the way.
But I don't give them any other attention. I didn't see the point.
They were a means to an end, a way to get where I wanted with as little conflict from my parents as possible.

So we ventured out of Denocte, towards Ruris, towards Veneror Peak. At the base of the mountain, I stared the bodyguards down, however, until they seemed to agree to let me go up alone. I didn't waste my breath to actually communicate but nodded non-the-less when they caught on. I paused at the start of the trek up, squared my shoulders, resettled my shawl, and made sure I was ready. It was less about altering my appearance to be more presentable, and more about busying myself to gather my thoughts and calm my mind. I wasn't often this flustered, but . . . but this had been a hard dream to watch.

And it had lasted for so long.

So much had gone wrong.

I was so alone. So, so alone.

I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let that be my future. They needed to stop it, they needed to fix it, they needed to change it. Anything had to change it, I couldn't let that happen. Suddenly, like that magma came from my dreams to burn my rump, I was racing up the path, my eyes hardening, my muzzle setting into a frown. I had to stop this, I had to change this, I had to find out why I was like this, why I was cursed. I was breathing hard as I came to the top, and my eyes narrowed up above me, Get your so called godly asses down here, I've got a bone to pick with you, and damn it, I want to know why! Why me, why am I constantly being brought back again, and again, and fucking again. No stop. And I get to remember every fucking life in graphic detail! Why would you do this to me, why was this okay! WHY HASN'T IT STOPPED! I just want to die and stay dead at least once! 

"What is supposed to happen when it all comes to an end. Don't . . . don't dare let me continue this reincarnation on an empty planet . . . please, please don't let that be my future. Please, don't let me be destined to always be alone . . . I'm so tired of being alone." Somewhere along the way of my rant, I'd stopped yelling. I was surprised to feel actual tears against my cheeks, and my head was bowed, eyes on my hooves. I kick at the dirt and rock at the peek, my voice meeker than it had been for a long time, I've been around for so long. I've seen kingdoms rise and fall, experienced love and betrayal, and I remember it all, every moment, every laugh, every tear, every pain and every heartache, and the bad always outways the good. I'm terrified to love anymore. Terrified to even feel anymore. Do you know what it's like, how horrible it is to come across a loved one many life times later and have them not recognize you. To see your sister face to face, and have her not acknowledge you. I have all these memories, all these connections, only to lose them as soon as I die. Except I don't. I keep every memory in my heart, every connection makes that next life harder. Every unacknowledged greeting, every lack of recognition. What did I do wrong in that very first life? Why would you do this to me. Why?

"I don't understand, I just don't understand what I did wrong so long ago. But please, please don't let this be all I am made for. When this world ends . . . please don't let me remain behind, stuck in this cycle alone. Please, oh, gods, please. Don't let me be alone and forgotten . . . not anymore. I just don't want to do it anymore." I don't know when, but at some point I had hit my knees, curled in on myself, and for the first time in hundreds of years, in so many life times . . . I let myself cry for everything I had lost.

FROM THE MOUTH
INSIDE THE MIND
@Random Events
Notes::