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+---- Thread: [AW] Broke down and put myself back together again (/showthread.php?tid=6686)
Broke down and put myself back together again - Io Kairavi - 10-09-2021
The land was different but the scene was always the same, it was always a beach that she'd find first. Maybe part of it was because in the back of Io's mind she was hoping that he'd show up like he always did, but she'd never admit that. Instead she'd bury that deep down, pretend it didn't play into her decisions, and refuse to acknowledge it in even the slightest of ways. She's become a master at refusing to face the truth until it hits her square in the face and so far she's wracked up a good handful of incidents due to that nasty habit.
The chill of the autumn night bites into her bones with each step Io takes along the beach, her legs wet and hair sticking to her from when she'd stood in the water and let the waves crash into her. A shiver runs down her spine, making her regret ditching her cloak somewhere outside of Caeleste, and frustrating her more than she already was. Her frustration mainly stemming from the fact that she was alone, again. Somehow she always ended up alone in the end and at this point in her life she's beginning to think it's a sick joke from whatever God's are out there. Chandrakant you little shit. She knows very well that her missing companion can't hear her, hell she can't even sense him. Io doesn't even know where he's gone but she's fairly certain that he's wreaking havoc for someone somewhere. During one of his complaining sessions about how he didn't want to get his paws dirty the two had gotten separated outside of the borders of Novus and when Io crossed them he was gone. Her magic was nonexistent as well, God knows if she had it she'd be warmer right now. In short: She was alone, magicless, frustrated, and cold.
It's the aching cold that brings her back to reality, away from her frustrated thoughts about how her companion was most certainly causing issues somewhere. Stopping in her steps Io looks up at the night sky, the moon hanging low in the star scattered galaxy above her, and a thought crosses her mind. Am I still somewhere up there? In another land was she still a constellation hanging over the sky with Acrux? A curled ear twitches at the thought, filling up the silence with the sound of jingling from her earring. The golden mare knows she should keep moving and find somewhere for the night if she wants to stay warm but the thought clings to her, keeping her in place to stare up at the moon.
IO'S NATIVE LANGUAGE, HOVER OVER ME
Thoughts
Tags » OPEN but also gonna tag @Luvena just in case <3
Voice » Liv Tyler as Arwen
OOC » Sorry this is my first post in a while so I'm kinda rusty -cry-
I know my thoughts, can't live with them
RE: Broke down and put myself back together again - Luvena - 10-10-2021
Sometimes Luvena found herself lost in thought, taken back to Elysium, looking at the stars that lingered above them there. She remembered her constellation, the day it was placed into those skies. The day she had died, and come back, all in the span of a single heartbeat. Her constellation had always been a thing of mystery to her. She changed with her immortality, growing into a muscled, but lithe figure, a thick mane and tail, horns. The whole works. Her constellation never changed though. She was up there as a myriad of ribs and hips, imaginary lines drawn between joints.
She used to think that it was there as a mockery of her weakness. She knew now that it was a remembrance of her strength. A remembrance that was gone now, as was Elysium. So much had changed in the times since it had fallen that it was sometimes hard to believe it had ever been real, only remembered by those who were here now. Kodarki, Abrin, surely more as well.
She had set out for terminus sea early in the morning, pressing a kiss to Israfels neck before she left. It was always a place of comfort for her, when life became tumultuous. It always reminded her of the cliffs in elysium. They always seemed to be where her life somewhere ended and began anew.
She was careful here, staying far from the edge of the cliffside until she came to a path she knew would take her down to the shore, where the pebbled shoreline would sink under her hooves. She longed to step into the waves, though she knew that this time of year it would be unwise. She approached the path cautiously, and stopped dead in her tracks at the top, sending a few stones skittering loudly down onto the beach.
It was a ghost who walked down below her. Not the kind that was white and pale, luminous under moonlight and hardly visible under sunlight. But the kind that was bright and orange, like the sun herself, coated in starlight. This was the kind of ghost that was impossible. The kind that you had watched die several years prior, and yet one that stood just meters away, looking as alive as the world around them.
Luvena stood frozen where she was, trying to make sense of what was before her.
@Io Kairavi
RE: Broke down and put myself back together again - Io Kairavi - 10-10-2021
If it hadn't been for the clacking of the rocks flying down to the beach she might have stood there absorbed in her own thoughts forever. Instead the golden mare jumps, startled, turns to see where the sound's come from, and feels her heart jump into her throat. Io's silent in shock as she stares up at Luvena, she can feel her mouth open and close while she tries to find words to say but nothing comes out. Until something croaks out of her tight throat, something Io can't stop from slipping past her lips. "You can't be real." Taking a step back she snorts and her ears tip back slightly while her face hardens. It's fake, it's magic. She's so sure that this Luvena is a trick of her imagination from the cold or that the world is playing tricks on her. Yet at the same time she wants to run towards them, hug them, and cry, they look so real that it makes her chest ache at the thought.
Even if it's a fake Luvena she can't deny that the accuracy tears at her, it makes her chest burn in anger and pain. The emotional response is so deep, so lightning quick that before Io can register it she's crying and pained yelling at the figure. "You aren't real! You can't be real!" It starts off quiet before it ends in a loud scream of pain with her eyes clenched tight and tears dripping from her face. "This is a cruel joke, this isn't fair. You can't be real because everyone is gone I- I already accepted that no one is left so you can't be real." There it was, a truth that even Io didn't fully realize until then; that she'd quietly given up hope of finding anyone from her home. She'd resigned herself to the fate of walking alone without anyone from Elysium with her. She had simply accepted that she'd never find them again, she'd been lucky a few times in Caeleste of course but deep down she'd stopped hoping to find everyone. This realization comes with deep breaths as she stares at the ''fake'' Luvena and Io wants to crumple down onto the ground and sob to the God's to give her everything back. She wants to demand that they bring it all back from before the fire, that they restore what they let fall apart.
Taking deep breaths the golden mare takes a few steps forward on instinct and then stops directly below her, a sigh coming from her when she wipes her face on her chest and legs to rid it of the tears. With a small laugh Io can't stop her words from tumbling out "Even if you are a fake you're still Luvena aren't you? And maybe...Maybe that's okay because at least you're here right?" She gives her a sad smile and sniffles before continuing on her little talk, still thinking Luvena is just a figment of her imagination, "Oh god Lu, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything, for leaving you with Crucis, for not getting up like you told me to in the woods. I'm so sorry I couldn't get up for you, but I listened didn't I? I didn't leave before you did, at least I tried not to." She can't stop herself from remembering the last time she saw her sister, crying on her shoulder and begging her not to let her heart give out while Acrux came to usher her into the sky. Sniffling she closes the gap between them and tries to reach out to her imaginary Luvena. "I wish I could tell you I'm sorry, and everything that's happened. I miss my sister, I miss you Lu."
"Talk."
IO'S NATIVE LANGUAGE, HOVER OVER ME
Thoughts
Tags » @Luvena
Voice » Liv Tyler as Arwen
OOC » <3 a mad and sad baby
I know my thoughts, can't live with them
RE: Broke down and put myself back together again - Luvena - 10-13-2021
‘You can’t be real’ funny. Because it was those four words that were playing over and over in her own head. She had seen ghosts before, they walked her dreams like equines walked the earth. But there they were shadows, wisps of life that had come before. They would flit from one moment to the next, never in linear order. In her dreams time was a circle, not a line, where ghosts could switch from a living memory to a moment of death like a flame dimmed and flickered.
This was not like any ghost she had seen before. And yet disbelief warred inside her. She found herself longing for Picoro to come back to her once again. To pinch the skin between her withers and tell her whether or not the woman down below was real, or a figment of a fever dream. Or for Yara and Mithra (who were somewhere off in the meadows) to come running and barking towards her.
Io Kairavi
A name she had not said aloud in a long time. Somehow she stood below her. Also she was yelling at Luvena. The smaller mare flinched backwards at the sound. In truth, she was not used to being yelled at. Usually her soft tone encouraged others to match her the same. The mood switched so quickly that she was still taken aback, and simply stood on the edge of the path, frozen.
She didn’t hear most of the words. The roar of the waves below them felt deafening, and while she registered Io’s voice, it was all a muted blur over her head. She flattened her ears, trying to soften the sound around them.
“You-” she words came out as hardly a whisper. She tried again. “You’re… dead. I watched you die. I watched your heart give out and watched you and shanti die.” The words came out harsh, only accented by the rasp in her voice, one that hadn’t been present when last they’d spoken. How many years ago that was.
@Io Kairavi
RE: Broke down and put myself back together again - Io Kairavi - 10-19-2021
She falters when Luvena's ears flatten, then she speaks and Io freezes before a weight drops onto her shoulders. The realization that she's been screaming at the real life Luvena settles into her chest and her ears tip back in uncertainty. Was this really happening? Was she really screaming at the painted mare like she was a phantom? Anxiety begins to settle into her chest when she registers the words that had come out in a harsh rasp. ''Dead.'' Io doesn't know what to say to it, she can't find any words to say in response. Does she apologize? Is she supposed to explain what happened? Where does she even begin, how does she even start to tell Luvena that it was a miracle that got her out of Elysium. How, how can she tell her that immortality from the God's had made her heart weaker?
Io can feel her anxiety burning up in her chest and she wants to run, she doesn't want to face this. Not now, not after Ithilien, not after having to give up Riddles. Again. But that, giving him up, she can justify that can't she? She's saving him from whatever wreckage she leaves in her wake, keeping her own damage away from him. That's what she's doing right? That's what she's always tried doing isn't it? Closing her eyes she takes a step back, a deep need to run away from this bubbling in her. In the back of her mind though she knows that it's a cowardly move and that she can't run forever, she needs to face this at some point. And if that's now with Luvena confronting her then so be it. "I know, I'm sorry. It's...it's complicated." Ears tipping further back, almost flattened in shame as she looks at the ground, averting Luvena's eyes. "I did what I thought was right when I came back. I...I wasn't well Lu and I thought it was better for everyone if I wasn't there." Her voice is quiet, a hint of shame mingled with the sadness that coats the words.
"Please, I don't want this. Not now, I'm sorry right now I can't offer you a better reason for leaving." A coward. That's what she was right now, wanting to run away and to hide behind rose tinted glasses. "I never meant to hurt anyone Lu, I really didn't. I thought I was doing the right thing." Ears are still tipped back when her gold eyes finally try to meet Luvena's, she can't hide the mixed emotions of shame and pain in her eyes.
"Talk."
IO'S NATIVE LANGUAGE, HOVER OVER ME
Thoughts
Tags » @Luvena
Voice » Liv Tyler as Arwen
OOC » <3
I know my thoughts, can't live with them
RE: Broke down and put myself back together again - Luvena - 10-19-2021
She couldn’t stop staring. Blank eyed and stony faced staring. Her head jerked up though as io stepped back. Was she running? She had run before. Maybe she would run again, even now, just as they were here.
“It wasn’t though” it took everything she had not to let the words out in a cruel snap, just as she had to Lovis that one day on the veneror. “Not for me at least. Do you have any idea what-” her voice cracked halfway through the sentence, and she found herself having to choke back a sob. She tried so hard not to think about it, think about the fate she’d incurred, all because Io had left her without a word. Her sob devolved into coughing instead as she choked it back.
It took her a moment to catch her breath. “Do you have any idea what you leaving did? How many people you... “ she stopped, knowing she would say something unforgivable if she kept going. “I had to go live in the waste. It killed me. It's only on Vega’s grace that I’m still standing.” She felt a tear roll down her cheek. Her blood was boiling. She’d spent so many years mourning Io Kairavi, wishing she would come back. She had been the one person she would let fuss over her, the only one she could confide in without fear. Seeing her now though had her in shambles. She was furious.
Yet all she wanted was to bury her face in her mane. So she did, stumbling forward all at once, catching herself on the taller mare, and pressing her face into the woman’s neck. “Gods Io how could you… I needed you. I still need you.” She was sobbing now, large ugly tears that she left darken the other woman’s orange coat
@Io Kairavi
RE: Broke down and put myself back together again - Io Kairavi - 10-20-2021
Stone was facing her, at least until she took a step back and Luvena reacted by jerking her head and Io was sure she'd never felt as cold as she did now. It stings when the shorter mare lays it out bare for her, she doesn't have to finish her words for the golden mare to know what she'd done. Oberon had thrown it in her face once before and she'd only repeated that mistake in Caeleste when she'd failed Ciaran and Hemanta. Her ears flatten down in a mingle of shame and sorrow, the left one jingling slightly while the jewelry buries itself in her mane.
"You don't have to tell me what I did, Oberon and my children already did. All I can say is that I'm sorry and I thought I was doing the best thing I could." Io wants to comfort her but she doesn't move towards Luvena, instead she stays in her spot and let the words fall down on her. That is until she hears that the smaller of the two had ended up in the wastes, dying from her own failures, and only stood there by the kindness of a God. "How...How did you end up the wastes? What happened? Oh God what did I start in Crucis?" She can't undo any of it but there's still an urgency in her voice, a thrumming in her veins like she can fix it still.
Her urgent questions turn into shock as Luvena embraces her, burying herself in the golden mare's neck while the smaller sobbed into it. The words almost slip past her while Io braces herself against the impact, light as the impact was it still pushes her back a bit. When the words process they pierce her, stinging her deep while her own tears begin to streak down her face silently. Oh God Lu I'm so sorry, I really thought I was doing the right thing." She can't stop herself from pulling Luvena in closer, careful not to hurt the smaller mare with her necklace while she wraps her neck around her and hushes her. "Shhh it's okay, I'm here now and I won't leave this time. I promise I won't. I'll explain everything when I can, please just trust me that I can't right now." Closing her golden eyes she holds her close, tight enough to keep her standing but not hurt her. "It's okay, I won't leave again. I promise. I'm here." It's a whisper but it's firm enough that, despite the comforting tone she's put in it, it's a declaration.
"No matter what. I am here, I will be here." Io lifts her head to look down at the other sobbing mare and she gives a mildly amused snort at the sight. "I'm sorry I know I shouldn't laugh but I just thought. Isn't this the same way we met? Rocky lands and me catching you-" A small wisp of a smile plays on her lips before her flattened ears prick forward. "-I guess some things don't change, we've always caught each other yeah?" Sighing softly with a sniffle as she suppresses her tears Io carefully moves just the slightest to the side, offering more support. "Here, lean on me Lu and we can go somewhere with stable grounds. We...We have a lot to talk about I think." She's unsure if Luvena will actually take the offer of support and agree to go to a more stable area, she's not even sure if she'll ever forgive her and that idea hurts. It hurts like hell, it's a familiar pain she's suffered more than once and now Io's beginning to wonder if she's cursed with one heart break after another. She's gone from romantic heart breaks to familial to platonic, how many more will she have to suffer? And can she fix this one? Can she find some way to soothe this pain for the both of them?
"Talk."
IO'S NATIVE LANGUAGE, HOVER OVER ME
Thoughts
Tags » @Luvena
Voice » Liv Tyler as Arwen
OOC » <3
thicker than the water of the womb.”
RE: Broke down and put myself back together again - Luvena - 10-20-2021
She almost had to laugh at the fact that the other woman had no idea, that Oberon hadn’t mentioned it to her. She shook her head, clearing her thoughts, throwing away the laugh that had bubbled up in her throat. “Etain didn’t like that you left things to me and Oberon. She took over, and outcast us. “ she paused, her heart pounding. “She said she’d kill us if we came back, so me and Cavalier took refuge in the wastes, with Lyrus. Cavalier went back anyways… and Etain mutilated her.” She turned her head away from Io. Unable to stop thinking that none of it would have happened that way if her sister had only stayed.
“I died, Vega gave me immortality which clearly didn’t last long” the words came out bitterly “Except when I woke up, Cavalier had left with one of our boys” she realized with a start that this Io didn’t even know that Lu had children. That had happened after she’d left. It had happened because of a wish Io had given to her, really her child was part of Io, in some strange way. “I went back eventually… didn’t last long. Elysium fell soon after.”
She lets herself get wrapped in the embrace, warm and familiar. Listening as Io whispered reassurances to her. “We met while I was already laying under a rock you idiot” she laughed through the tears. “You gave me poppyseed and feverfew, and stayed with me until the weather calmed enough to take me back to crucis.” She pulled away briefly at ios next sentence, and shook her head quietly. ‘Not when it mattered’ she thought, though she didn’t dare say the words out loud.
She leaned back into her though, allowing her to lead where she thought was best, hopefully somewhere off the sharp rocks. She felt like every ounce of strength she’d felt earlier that day had leached out of her. Stolen away by the past.
@Io Kairavi
RE: Broke down and put myself back together again - Io Kairavi - 10-21-2021
Curled ears twitch back while she listens, she's not entirely sure how to respond. Oberon hadn't told her that, she'd only been told Crucis fell apart. Worse she's not sure where she's supposed to stand on the matter of Etain taking over, she'll agree and stand with Luvena on the mutilation, but Io's not sure where she can fall with the Kingdom's take over. Frowning at the thought her ears tip back while she looks down at the smaller mare. She can't stop herself from feeling a bitterness crawl up her throat at the mention of Vega's immortality. Seems about damn accurate for them. Her left ear twitches in annoyance at it, until surprise colours her face when she hears ''our boys''. "Boys? Lu you have kids?" After all the information she takes a second to absorb it, her brow furrowing and making her face harden in thought. "I'll be honest that I didn't know that, Oberon didn't tell me when we last met. I also don't know what I should say about Etain, I don't feel that I can condemn her about taking over Crucis. I don't agree with what's happened to you or Cavalier, I do think that's wrong Lu and I'm sorry. But..." She pauses and has to think on her next words. "I'd be a hypocrite if I judged Etain solely on taking over because I thought of doing the same thing in a new land, and for similar reasons. I also stood by while a new ruler outcast half of that Kingdom. The responsibility of Crucis's outcome falls on me alone, I accept that. But please understand that in some way I am someone else's version of Etain and because of that I don't know where I should stand with that information yet." Something resembling a cold numbness settles down on her when trying to explain and it slowly bleeds into her golden eyes. She doesn't mean to detach from the situation but if she steps back and looks at the picture she can only condemn Etain for the mutilation. If Luvena hates her for it she'll accept that. Should she scream and tell Io to leave after hearing that then she would.
She probably would have laughed with her if she wasn't still trying to process that information, she's struggling to know where her morals should be. Instead of a laugh she offers a smile and a hum of agreement "You're right, we did meet while you were under a rock and I'm an idiot. But the scenery is close enough right? Poppyseed has always worked wonders on just about anything, I carried that everywhere." When Luvena shakes her head Io's ears tip back, she's pained to see the smaller of the two crying. All because of her and her own stupid decisions.
When she leans into Io the golden mare has to bite her tongue to keep from sobbing again, maybe it's a small thing to someone else but to her it's big. She'd hurt Luvena and yet it seemed that she trusted her enough to lean on her. "Alright, let's find somewhere off the rocks and hopefully as flat as we can get." She doesn't tell the smaller mare that she has no idea where she is and that she'd found the beach by dumb luck, instead she points them in the direction of an area that looked flat and far enough away from the waters. Her concern is if Luvena will be okay with the trip considering considering it skirts close to the walls of the cliffs but it's off the pebbled ground and it'll save her from walking in the areas of exposed sand. "Did you find them? Cavalier and your boy?" Careful in her steps she's slow and methodical when choosing where to step, making sure she doesn't jostle Luvena on the way.
"Talk."
IO'S NATIVE LANGUAGE, HOVER OVER ME
Thoughts
Tags » @Luvena
Voice » Liv Tyler as Arwen
OOC » <3 big oof
thicker than the water of the womb.”
RE: Broke down and put myself back together again - Luvena - 10-21-2021
Her mind was a whirlwind, everything at once tumbling around over and over again. She wanted Israfel by her side, pulling Lu into her wings. Or caelum to reassure her with a cadence she’d been used to since childhood. She wished she were comforted by Io’s presence, at one time she would have been but now… now it unsettled her to the core.
She’s brought back by Io’s question. “Two” she murmured. “I used the wish you gave me to have one of my own. It doesn’t matter now, you won’t ever meet them. They’re long gone” She’d only had a year with Eremurus, only two with Liatris. She’d hardly even seen them grow up. She’d never get to see Eremurus fly with those wings of his, or watch Liatris become the explorer he’d always wanted to be. She remembered the way he used to trot after Kodarki like a lost puppy, how the man had let him because he knew lu was probably off laying somewhere too tired to move.
She could only stare at Io blankly as she spoke, unable to process what she was saying. That she didn’t think what Etain had done was wrong, or cruel. She couldn’t find the words as they walked together towards a flatter outcropping, she stopped answering the other woman, chewing her lip. “No. I didn’t” She pulled away all at once, shaking, and took a step back.
She peered at the woman with turquoise eyes. “You don’t even care?” she questioned. “After all everyone in crucis went through, after surviving a fire, and Vanders slaughter, Samiels… You don’t care that she cast us out?” Her voice was even. Soft and as delicate as always, she didn’t raise it above the wind, she wouldn’t yell. She wasn't even angry, it was sorrow that coursed through her. “Who are you?” The question came out aching with sadness. “You aren’t the woman I befriended. And you certainly aren’t my sister”
She took another few steps back, unsteady. “I don’t care what court you go to, or what you do here. But don’t… I don’t want anything to do with you Io, not anymore.” She turned around, walking back towards Denocte. She didn’t look back, she refused to, but tears poured down her face as she walked.
@Io Kairavi