DUNE vs AMAUNET
@Dune - Total: 80/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity: 18/30, Realism: 25/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity: 10/15, Realism: 15/15
WRITING: Creativity: 3/5, Realism: 5/5, Mechanics: 4/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 8, Attack 12
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
@amaunet - Total: 81/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity: 27/30, Realism: 18/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity: 13/15, Realism: 12/15
WRITING: Creativity: 4/5, Realism: 3/5, Mechanics: 4/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 16, Health 8, Attack 12
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
Closing Remarks: I have to laugh when i think back on the irony of these two being matched; but I really like that neither of you shied away from their differences, but embraced it and made that the point of the battle. Good job!
OFFENSIVE: Creativity: 18/30, Realism: 25/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity: 10/15, Realism: 15/15
WRITING: Creativity: 3/5, Realism: 5/5, Mechanics: 4/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 8, Attack 12
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
- FIRST POST (intro)
- Honestly my first thought was “poor Dune”. I like this as an intro post, his reaction to the matched fight (and his reasoning for being there in the first place.) A good post to set the stage, and it read pretty clearly. No standouts.
- SECOND POST
- Defensive: Considering she’s taller than him and stronger than him and more experienced than him, I think this is a pretty realistic move for him. Since it’s not a true block I’m not spending much time on it (but having dealt with fistulous withers in real life I think him protecting that area was an A+ decision).
- Offensive: I always like when dodges and attacks are sort of played into the same move, like you did here; again since Dune isn’t much of a fighter (and you’ve already described as being able to take beatings better than he can give them), this seems like a solid move for him to make. It may not be the most creative or extravagant move but your writing is what gives it that extra oomf to draw the reader into it and keep things moving.
- Mechanics: A couple of repetitive words like beautiful and downward used multiple times in the same sentences; but overall it reads pretty well! I like that he’s thinking ahead instead of acting on brutality alone like Amaunet; considering he’s outmatched in terms of experience (both literal EXP and IC experience as a fighter), I think he’s doing a good job of making this fight a little more even rather than just a beating.
- Notes: “as her teeth sink into meaty flesh” quote of the season material
- THIRD POST
- Defensive: I really, really appreciate the realism in this block, I know it can be tempting to just write your character dancing lithely away or transforming into some acrobat, but I think this played very well to Dune’s character. I also loved the instinctive play into it.
- Offensive: Ahh there was substance to this attack! Very easy to imagine what he’s trying to do (and also why he would be trying it). There’s a couple of nods back to his intro post which I appreciated, and the consistency between his analysis of the fight/thinking ahead has been nice to see.
- Mechanics: A couple of awkwardly worded statements (“Dune is pure focus on the fight at hand” being the main one), but overall there isn’t much for me to pick apart!
- Notes: I felt like this post was lacking a little bit of the flare and fluidity from your first two posts; it was more focused on his actions than his internal processing of the fight. That being said it was nice to see him slipping into a sort of battle-lust, not something I was expecting him to discover in this fight but really nice to see him working through it.
- FOURTH POST (closer)
- I feel like this post was a bit at odds with his previous one to be honest, it leaves me questioning whether he wants to be back or not since you’ve stated that he both found a new part of himself here but disliked it. But overall it was a really nice, short and sweet closer that completed the story for him.
@amaunet - Total: 81/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity: 27/30, Realism: 18/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity: 13/15, Realism: 12/15
WRITING: Creativity: 4/5, Realism: 3/5, Mechanics: 4/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 16, Health 8, Attack 12
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
- FIRST POST
- Defensive: N/A.
- Offensive: At first I was thinking that I expected a little more flare from her with her reputation as a prized fighter - but honestly it’s how you write the attack/her fury/her ferocity that makes it stand out. The idea of her shoving him to his knees feels more like wrestling to me, which seems odd for horses? But also we write them drinking from wine glasses and stuff haha. So her forcing him to submit seems like a very in-character thing for someone used to winning to do.
- Mechanics: A couple small typos (“she races towards him in a strange mix and flight and charge”) and awkward wordings that made me do a double take. But overall the writing is fast-paced and reads quickly, which helps set the mood of the post.
- Notes: I do like that you’ve both included the crowd/setting into your posts (usually that’s forgotten in battles), and how you’ve capitalized on their character differences.
- SECOND POST
- Defensive: I thought this part played true to her character, being surprised that he didn’t immediately submit to her like others may have; again since this isn’t a true block I won’t spend much time on it, but I thought it was worthy of note still.
- Offensive: I had to read the summary to understand what her attack was; then I had to reread that bit in the post to make sense of it. I wish there had just been a little more description (it being a single line made it easier to glance over and not register as being an “attack”; that being said, since it was a pretty straight forward attack I can see why it’d be hard to focus much writing on.) Same notes as your first attack, your writing is what gives it the extravagance it needs to keep the reader’s interest.
- Mechanics: A couple of inconsistencies (“dewdrop gold instead of sun-golden”, slid instead of slide, or awkward punctuation places) but honestly I don’t think I would notice them much if I wasn’t looking out for them. It breaks the flow up a little bit but again the fast-paced writing carries through that and sets the rhythm for the post.
- Notes: I kind of feel like your writing is playing off of Rae’s, like you’re both matching each other’s general prose. Dune describes the crowd’s reaction to him, then Amaunet describes the crowd’s reaction to her; Dune describes how he’ll remember the fight later, then Amaunet describes how she’ll think back on the fight. It makes it read more like a story and brings another level of intrigue, which I appreciated. Also, this last line in your summary “At this point she's worried less about grace and more about suffering” was really good, and I kind of wish there was more of a nod to that in the post itself, since I’m not sure I really got that point at all from the writing.
- THIRD POST
- Defensive: Every part of this nods to her experience as a pit fighter, and how much more agile she is over him (which normally might have made me second guess it since EXP wise they’re pretty similar, but every post leading up to this has highlighted their differences in experience).
- Offensive: Again I wasn’t entirely sure what her move was meant to be here haha, but I like that her attack and dodge were written into the same move. Using her wings was a really good move that I liked to see.
- Mechanics: The first paragraph might have been a little choppy, but I couldn’t pick apart the rest if I tried.
- Notes: Honestly this was my favorite of your posts in this thread; for the most part it was an easy read through and nothing made me pause or lose focus.
- FOURTH POST (closer)
- I love that this post continues the story from before; it provides a fitting end to the battle.
Closing Remarks: I have to laugh when i think back on the irony of these two being matched; but I really like that neither of you shied away from their differences, but embraced it and made that the point of the battle. Good job!
