Csilla
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
I
am well acquainted with love. The kind that twists you up inside and leaves you bruised. Powerful and dangerous, it feels as if your very life is at risk of shattering into a million pieces. And, yet, when I was with him - he made everything whole. Glorious pain was how I would describe my brief stint with love. In all my inexperience, he took me to places I'd never known to exist. All without a single touch, kiss, or embrace. Was my naivety truly so blinding? One thousand times I should have walked away, turned my back on him, and my infatuation. Yet, I didn't. I allowed myself to be shaped and made into a version of myself I had desperately longed for. Perhaps my husband's death had been mercy. Truly, only death itself could be powerful enough to wake me from my dream. With eyes wide open, I knew now of things I had pushed violently away. The love I'd wanted, would never be - not in that life or any other. You should be dead, my thoughts remind me. Yes, I agree - I should be dead. The cold breath of fear billows at the back of my neck. The prospect of my execution had not frightened me during my extended stay in The Tower. Rather, in various moments of absolute clarity, I was granted a surreal peace. While my many other sister-wives wept and begged for mercy, I had remained perfectly quiet.
Leaves crunched beneath my hooves, cutting into my thoughts. Pausing, I lifted a cloven hoof to study the brittle piece of nature destroyed by my carelessness. Brown and dead I tilted my head as if to see it better. It could have been there with me, I think. Strewn from one corner of the unswept floor to the other - mixed with torn pieces of parchment with faded writing on its surface. I would have read it, or attempted to. Hungrily devouring each word as if it held the secret to my escape. It never would, though its reminder of life comforted as a mother's lullaby might.
Novus was my home now, it seemed. Leaf forgotten I lowered my hoof back down and continued down the path. I was uncertain as to where it would lead, but it didn't matter. Luvena had seen me safely delivered to civilization - however different that might seem to me. With nowhere else to go, I had followed the sickly mare to a place she fondly named Swamp. Just as much as the ice and snow had been a novelty, so did this place prove to be. I couldn't say which I preferred. It was warmer here, I noted - and I was no longer alone. Both points an improvement to my previous situation.
Rounding a corner, I found myself stopped by the unhospitable edges of a watery bank. Everything here is painted in tones of earthly brown and muddied green. Dusk, Luvena had tried to explain. Though it continued to be a somewhat complicated concept, I felt as if I was beginning to understand. Terrastella, as she'd also called it, was a massive place with land that changed more frequently than one might be able to recall. There was a great love for it, that much I could tell - but I was not yet certain if I belonged.
Everywhere I'd ever been had a purpose and a plan. My body not my own, I'd never been given the chance to decide whether I liked one place or the next. This time, there was no other influence but my own to consider. Freedom was both an exciting and frightening concept. Regularly I reminded myself that Luvena was no more than a temporary guardian. She had no interest in controlling me or telling me which path I should take. I was free to come and go as I pleased.
Venturing closer to the water's edge I peered down at my reflection. The mare that stared back at me was as unfamiliar a face as any. Too mature - too tired, and lacking in the innocence that should have lingered in her young face. The finery that clung to her seemed as out of place there as I felt. Gold riches and useless trinkets. I would trade them all in if I could. Exhaling long and slow, I peeled away from the bank and settled under the shelter of a mangrove.
Hopeless, I was completely hopeless.
"She talks."
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