Csilla
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
I
am trapped. The sensation is one that should be familiar to me. I've always been a prisoner to my circumstances. Shackled by the ambitions of everyone around me I should be able to welcome the sensation of confinement with warmth. Instead, for the first time in my life, I felt myself fighting against it. Stranded amongst the waves of my own mind, I fought fervently to make sense of everything that had transpired. Swimming desperately against the current that sought to pull me beneath its swell. Too late, I remember that I can't swim. The recollection is odd in light of the ripples that dance upon the face of my reflection. I'd never had use for such knowledge. Born and raised amidst the dry and heartless land of the desert, most of the water we had came from deep underground. Now, however, I find myself gasping. Pawing at the surface of my memories, wishing for them to evaporate. Unbroken, my gaze remains set firmly upon the bog's edge. There are no signs of life to be seen beneath the murky brown surface. My senses are dancing. The thick scent of mud and algae mix together with the sweet, green aroma of the surrounding foliage. My body is present in that place, though my mind is not. Faded and glassy, the rich emerald of my eyes has faded. One thousand lifetimes I have spent within the confines of my own mind - dreaming of something beyond the walls erected to cage me. Poised and tense, my new reality is as foreign to me as the surrounding swamp. Wet and cold, a shiver travels up the length of my spine. I am no longer alone.
Consumed by my thoughts, I realize all too late that another has stumbled onto my chosen spot of reflection. Eyes drawn back to the present, I roll them to my rear to watch the approaching palomino mare. From a distance, her intrusion is not immediately alarming, and I watch with mounting curiosity as she seems to pick her path with the utmost care. Occasionally she stops only to stoop low to retrieve some unseen treasure from the ground. My ears prick forward, my cranium now turned to better consider her.
Yet another new face to add to my growing collection. The sense of unfamiliarity that blankets me is new to me, and I'm unsure if I like it or not. For years my life had been completely confined to the same walls belonging to the Emperor's palace. The faces there became my family, each of their names equally important to me. Guards, servants, concubines, wives, and their foals - I'd memorized them all. My heart ached to recall their fates. After the Emperor's death, their very existence became a threat to the Prince - and so, they couldn't be allowed to continue. It was difficult to imagine the stallion that I'd loved ending such innocent lives.
Swallowing hard I swatted away the darkness of my thoughts, focusing instead on the palomino as she spotted me. My leonine tail flickered in anticipation of her greeting. Maternal energy surrounds her and she carries with her the tired air often found amongst new mothers. Yet, there was no knobby kneed foal struggling to keep pace with her. Did all mares in this realm misplace their children? An involuntary snort slips past my calm disposition and my ears swivel to catch the questions thrown in my direction. The stranger wants to know the meaning behind my forlorn expression. How to answer when I myself do not know.
"I am not lost," I answer contemplatively. Ounces of truth cling to my vocals, the hints of uncertainty buried beneath my civility.
Terrastella was still a land as new to me as it was vast. Beyond the swamp, I had not yet found the opportunity to explore its many other reaches. Even so, I felt that I might have some physical bearing on my whereabouts. Luvena had done her best to educate me so that I might not find myself so completely and hopelessly lost. Mentally, however, I continued to grapple with the many changes I'd been forced to endure. Many more questions danced within my mind than I could find answers for, and I hated the sensation it pressed upon me. None of this I cared to express to the golden-hued stranger before me. Evasively I shifted my stance, my shoulder leaning towards the direction I'd come.
"Do you live here?" I asked, more than willing to shift the attention off of myself. "In the swamp?"
In the warmer months, I imagined this place had some hidden appeal. Wet and tepid, even in the midst of winter, nature seemed to thrive. Nearer to the water's edge I could feel a chill wafting up from it - wrapping itself around me like an unwanted embrace. Nothing, however, compared to the cold I'd endured upon my initial arrival. For my deliverance of that, I had Luvena to thank. Though bleak and an assault to my senses, the swamp was warm and far more ideal. Far different than any other place I'd lived, it rescued me from haunting familiarity. The very thought of returning to the desert filled me with inexplicable dread.
Stealing a moment, I glanced about myself. I could find contentment there. The mossy canopy provided the illusion of concealment, a comfort given my newfound vulnerability. "This is a strange place," I murmured absently to myself. In the past no one had ever cared to hear my thoughts, I didn't expect that now would be any different.
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