There were times in Jane’s life where she had been known to act out. It had quickly labelled her as ‘a bad girl’ when she was young, a tempestuous young thing who boiled under the conventions her family spelled out for her. Indeed, when she had first been brought up, Jane had kicked at finery, at manners, at anything which was dressed in feminine purpose. Over time, however, her mother had managed to mould her into what she was now.
Indeed, her mother had sculpted the fine emotion and intelligence that made her a worthy member of society. Witty conversation and acting had worked itself deep into her core until she took it at its face and assumed that this was what she was, a good wife, a good daughter, a good girl.
But that true self remained. The side that some psychoanalysts might call the Id, the Shadow, the Subconscious, lapped up against her in tides controlled by the mood. And sometimes, sometimes Jane just wanted to break it all. Sometimes, on nights where Jane felt like she was dying under the weight of all that pressure, she just wanted to ruin it. It was why she had flirted with Cassius, it was why she had embraced being kicked out by her aunt, and it was why she did not move away from the conversation that displayed every possible red flag.
How much more did she have to lose?
She had been punished for her sins against the family. She had been punished in a most grievous way- the denial of a future, this was the fate that had answered her subversion.
Vreis played back, played right into this game. Who controlled who, Jane wondered. Even if he might deny it, even though he may be chivalrous and knightly, Jane knew his kind well. Indeed, she felt the end already in her body and her bones. She felt herself blushing even as she spoke, with the inherent feeling of loss already sinking in her stomach. Self-respect, her rank, her reputation, everything slid away even now. This was fate, God-designed, and who was Jane to blaspheme?
But in the loss of everything else, something else was gained. The Jane that had abated under her fruitless and miserable marriage; the Jane that was funny and knew how to talk to strangers, reared its head on her first day back in Novus. Maybe it was something in the air.
But then Jane said something that seemed to strike wrong. Indeed, the comment about chaperones wiped the smile straight off Vreis’ face and exposed a set of cool, stern eyes. Was that the knight, or the general? His words turned calm and practical as he discussed another realm and another time.
Where did he come from? His accent was not Novan, and Jane found herself curving with curiosity to the stallion. Yet another foreigner, a foreigner who seemed to have feelings regarding his home practices. Oh, Jane could say things about that.
“I will not forgive you, for you have said nothing wrong. I admit, I don’t know anything about Novus. Or, not really. I am from the Argons, and we tend to be rather protective of women as well. But I can handle myself.”
The next time he spoke, the ice dripped away from his voice and he returned to his flirtatious charm. I believe fully in caring about the welfare and livelihood of another being a vital importance. Jane slid her gaze away as she heard those words. She did believe that, but how often had she practiced it? When had she ever been selfless? Jane had only ever been selfish-
But what had ever been given to her, really?
Wealth and status were her birthright, but outside her marriage she had never chosen it. The love of her mother, her education that she had so promptly wasted, all this had been clawed at by yours truly. None of these were gifts. What time had she had to be selfless, when others had given her nothing?
Vreis rose to Jane’s flirtation, her beautiful and selfish flirtation. He spoke, he teased, he flirted with her in broad daylight where anyone could overhear their conversation. And indeed, Jane’s heart raced with the shock of it all.
“You really are shameless, aren’t you?” Jane’s voice was laced with humour, even as she stared him down. How that must feel, to lack shame. “Absolutely anyone can hear us. The entirety of Novus, potentially.” Jane stepped closer, into his personal space. "What makes you think I’ll tell you about my marital issues to a stranger the day I reach Novus? What makes you feel like you are worthy of my demons?” Her words were accusatory, cool pride lacing her words even as she kept the glint of her former humour. She definitely wasn’t rejecting him.
But Jane would not be a fool.
Perhaps, Jane was tired of being a fool. If things were to go in the direction she suspected, she would not enter it blindfolded. And she would not let Vreis see her as blindfolded, either. Indeed, if he were wicked and cruel then he would see her as she was.
Tagged; @
i've never felt more alone
it feels so scary getting old
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