Novus
Hello, Guest! Register

Judged  - let me help those feathers fly

Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)



Played by Offline inkbone [PM] Posts: 75 — Threads: 5
Signos: 750
Inactive Character
#1

Battle Type: Battle.
Prize: Experience and a big, shiny trophy of a dick.
Contact Made: Yes, message via Discord PM.

Character #1: @Torstein
Bonded: None.
Magic: Discipuli Telemanipulation. Able to read people's basic intentions.
Armor: None.
Weapons: None.

Character #2: @Aion
Bonded: None.
Magic: None.
Armor: None.
Weapons: None.




⚔  in these silences, something may rise  ⚔


The quiet still of the rising sun drug lazily across the sky, the bright colors beating the clouds into a orange-tinted red. And just as lazily as the sun, the large stallion trekked his way across the hole-pocketed dirt of the battlefield, the soil compacted over time by vicious hooves, bodily fluids, and now his own hefty weight.

Crimson eyes glanced down to the war-torn soil, one hoof perched precariously on the edge of a long-abandoned gopher hole... and while at first he was concerned that this place was less than fit for him to use as any sort of battle ground, he found himself chuckling. It just so happened that his hooves were even larger than the gopher holes themselves, eliminating a good majority of his own risk - but still not quite guaranteeing his safety.

Messily braided tail smacked impatiently at his hocks, and his eyes peeled up away from the soil and its imperfections. Instead, he proceeded forward - towards the center of the makeshift arena. It was oddly quiet, but Tor was not stupid; he knew there was someone always lurking along the edges, tucked away with in the forest as they waited for their opportunity to strike. He was not at all scared of that idea.

Ombre ears slipped back to rest flat against the crown of his horns as he peered about the arena. He knew he smelled someone familiar.

"Come out, feathers," came the low rumble, eyes scanning the tree-line, just looking for any sign of the white stallion. "You're not as quiet as you like to think you are," came the rolling chuckle, hearty and deep within his throat.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Action. Thoughts. "Speech."

Reference Image - - chest cavity: TIGHTLY CLOSED - - 275 words - - code Ⓒ inkbone





Summary: Tor walks into Bellum, inspects the gopher holes, and then proceeds to the center of the arena. He calls out to Aion, who he knows is waiting somewhere in the shadows of the arena's edge.

Attack Used: 0
Attack(s) Left: 2
Block Used: 0
Block(s) Left: 1
Item(s) Used: None.

Response Deadline: 11/19/2017
Tags: @Aion, @kay, @inkbone, @sid





[ please tag @Torstein in all replies ]



I have three eyes
   TWO TO LOOK    ONE TO SEE





Played by Offline sid [PM] Posts: 66 — Threads: 12
Signos: 0
Inactive Character
#2


AION


Like an addict drawn to his substance did he venture to the Steppe, an age-old hum settling into his bones. Body was blotted and smudged with dirt from the ground he’d been sleeping on, a crude camouflage as he weaved and bobbed through the trees. With every step he took, his heart beat faster: it was drumming loudly inside of his chest, lub-dub, lub-dubbing against his ribcage and forcing blood throughout his arteries by every pulse.

It had been so long since he’d engaged in a proper fight.

A thing he had once depended on for survival was now stale, molded over and bitter from misuse. He’d kept away from the sparring ring for so long, he wondered now—would bruised bones and bloodied knees feel the same today as they had then? He liked to think his body was still fit, but to say he'd kept up with his training would be a lie. He’d found other things (namely, another person) to fill his time with, quite literally choosing love over hate.

But in love’s absence, he was quickly beginning to revert to his old self. And what better person to take such frustrations out on than the plum-speckled monster from Solterra?

’You’re not as quiet as you like to think you are.’ Irritation pulled his sooty lips downwards, a scowl even deeper than was per usual. He did not hesitate to yield to the behemoth’s call, crawling out from the forest with his body dragging low to the ground, ears bolted against his skull. “I should have known street fighting would be your pastime,” Aion drawled. His eyes were filled with an anticipation and hunger not so different from that of a starving coyote as he looked over his opponent.

“Maybe we have more in common than I first thought.”

He was weaving around him now, mere meters away, miniature in comparison but doing his damnedest to work that to his advantage. What he lacked in size, he hoped would be made up for with speed—he’d have to, in order to keep clear of those massive, cracked hooves. Aion eyed them warily, slow to move his gaze back up Torstein's. “Although I can’t quite imagine a brute like you having much skill in the ring-”

He gave into his instincts before the sentence had finished, tone rising into a sneer as he lunged for skin. His momentum, whether he hit true or not, should carry him around Torstein’s other side: a passing strike he could only hope to land.

Hooves dug into the ground, throwing up sod without a care in the world for the treachery a single misstep could bring, for his focus had narrowed onto the purple blots staining those colossal hocks. His bloodlust was strong, nearly overriding those years of training that screamed at him, watch for the kick! For when all that mattered was the blood he wished to taste on his tongue, the flesh he sought to tear from bone—he wouldn't, couldn't afford to miss.

One way or another, he was determined to bring Torstein down.




text. talk.


coding by sid
headshot by rhiann







Summary: Aion slinks in and talks some shit before he runs around Tor's behind, trying to pull his hind leg out from under him along the way

Attack Used: 1
Attack(s) Left: 1
Block Used: 0
Block(s) Left: 1
Item(s) Used:

Response Deadline: 11/21/2017 EST
Tags: @Torstein, @kay, @inkbone, AND @sid











Played by Offline inkbone [PM] Posts: 75 — Threads: 5
Signos: 750
Inactive Character
#3

⚔  in these silences, something may rise  ⚔


The giant's gaze immediately caught onto his opponent as he slinked out of the tree line. One ear flicked lazily up, a smirk tugging at the edge of his own lips (his smugness was irritating, that's for sure), a hearty chuckle bubbling from his throat. "So slinks the snake," he purred at his opponent, braided tail whipping at his hocks. Weight was shifted from side to side as adrenaline rushed through his veins and hooves pawed at the ground in anticipation.

Crimson eyes followed the stallion as he slunk around; his body slowly turning as he circled. Never directly facing him, though, he was following pointedly after Aion: speckled rump facing him as they both eyed the other up as prey. Ombre ears slipped back against his crown, eyes narrowing as he followed after the blue, black, and white feathered creature... warm breath rolling from his nostrils into the chilly air as it rose into a haze of mist.

"Maybe we do," he murmured, feeling his gut knot as Aion eyed his own hooves and hocks. A sneaking suspicion told him he knew what was about to come... and the smaller stallion did not disappoint.

Like a lightning crack, Aion seemed to bolt forward and his teeth tried to make perch on his hock. And find a good hold they did, the other's teeth wrapping around his left hock with the apparent intention of yanking Tor's feet out from underneath him. An angered grunt ripped from his throat, his massive neck jerking up and backwards.. but this would not be his undoing. He expected it, in some fashion, and as soon as Aion's teeth graced his flesh, Tor tightened the leg's muscles and abruptly yanked it forward.

With the yank, he felt blood dribble down the back of his leg: warm and oozing, the smell of copper bit the air with it's distinct aroma. Aion may have drew first blood, but it was Tor's intention to make him eat dirt as retribution. And that would be his undoing: because if he toppled forward and stumbled, he would come face to face with the bottom of Tor's massive, weathered hooves. For just as he had yanked his left leg forward to make Aion stumble, it would kick right back out - aimed directly at the stallion's pretty feathered crown.

Haunches coiled, tightened, and bolted the massive plum stallion forward regardless of if the impact struck home.  He circled around, turning to face the other as he impatiently shifted his weight on his back legs. The bite Aion had administered had been fierce: it cut into the back of his hock, whose cream shade was now stained a bloody red. Tor could feel the uncomfortable sting and pressure of the wound whenever he shifted all of his weight to his left. 

Ears were pinned tightly to his crown of horns as he slowly paced around the stallion, eyes trained on him as his attention was fully focused. Silly banter was the farthest thing from his mind at this moment; instead, he kept a fairly wide birth around the other stallion as he circled, wholly expecting the bitter stallion's rage and frustration to bubble and overflow.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Action. Thoughts. "Speech."

Reference Image - - chest cavity: TIGHTLY CLOSED - - 275 words - - code Ⓒ inkbone






Summary: As Aion circles, Tor makes a point to keep his rear end facing him and circle with him. When Aion lashes out, his teeth find perch on Tor's hock - to which the Warden responds by yanking his foot abruptly forward and then swiftly kicking it back out in one rapid movement. Tor then bolts forward to create distance between himself and Aion, and begins circling the smaller stallion.

Attack Used: 1
Attack(s) Left: 1
Block Used: 0
Block(s) Left: 1
Item(s) Used: None.

Response Deadline: 11/24/2017
Tags: @Aion, @kay, @inkbone, @sid





[ please tag @Torstein in all replies ]



I have three eyes
   TWO TO LOOK    ONE TO SEE





Played by Offline sid [PM] Posts: 66 — Threads: 12
Signos: 0
Inactive Character
#4


AION


Exhilaration flooded through his veins as his teeth sank into flesh. Every synapse burned and fired at once, clearing the clutter from his mind and narrowing his focus onto the the purple hock he held, tightening his jaw as hair and blood filled his open mouth. The muscles against his temple flexed, teeth flashing pearly white against his own black muzzle and Torstein’s plum skin—but they were already beginning to slide, losing purchase as the leg was pulled cleanly away. Aion nearly whined as it was; like a dog whose favorite bone had been unfairly taken away, keening in hopes that it would be returned.

But this was a bone he wouldn’t want back.

There was no time to think, only react: as Torstein pulled his leg away Aion let him, his body still hurtling through space past his hind end. But Torstein moved fast as well, faster than Aion had expected: the hoof came striking back at him in the blink of an eye, and he couldn’t quite move fast enough, twisting his body gruesomely in his attempt to avoid the kick. Despite his mid-air efforts the cracked, weathered hoof catches just behind his elbow, forcing the air from his lungs in a whoosh and lifting that corresponding limb high. 

Pain blossoms through his belly, panic settling in for just a moment as he struggles to catch both his breath and his balance.  His momentum comes to a stop, a cough racking painfully through his ribs as he wheezes and stumbles, stars dotting the corners of his vision. He’s suspended in time, struggling to force his lungs to relax and work, but seconds drag slowly by as he recovers and only dust fills his mouth. Even if he had the ability to speak—difficult to do while his lungs spasm and ache, desperately trying to bring air back into them—he would not stoop to such levels. The time for talk was over, it was time to fight. A silent snarl drags his lips up, ears pinned and lost in the crown of feathers atop his poll.

By the time Torstein turns to face him again,  he’s recovered enough to follow those stalking movements. His blue eyes narrow, recognizing his opponent’s movements as a crude mimicry of the beginning of their confrontation—only now Aion is found at the center, a cornered wolf ready to snap. His tail lashes out behind him, hackles raised; deliberately he draws first one hoof and then the next across the ground in a display of impatience. He doesn’t have time to wait for Torstein to attack; the anticipation kills him, and he tracks the three-eyed demon’s movements with his head dropped low, a canid growl rolling through his throat. 



Like an arrow loosed from a bow he’s off once again, facing the Day Court Warden head on with teeth bared in another blind leap. Aion doesn’t double check his attack, he just goes, ready to taste blood a second time. Despite their differences in height, he aims himself this time for the throat—and if his hooves need to pummel the pretty white chest as a stepping stool for purchase, so be it. Although he isn’t intentionally aiming to kill, he’s sure the area is still sensitive—even with those monstrous spines protecting it.


text. talk.


coding by sid
headshot by rhiann








Summary: Aion takes the kick along his belly just behind his shoulder, and it unbalances him and sends him flying a little off to the side, knocking the air out of his temporarily. He recovers as Torstein bolts, becoming impatient when he starts to circle. After being dramatic and pawing a bit he charges Torstein, looking for a death hold on his neck but willing to kick the shit out of his closed chest cavity in the process since he’s short and might not be able to reach without a step-up.

Attack Used: 2
Attack(s) Left: 0
Block Used: 0
Block(s) Left: 1
Item(s) Used:

Response Deadline: 11/27/2017 EST
Tags: @Torstein, @kay, @inkbone, AND @sid











Played by Offline inkbone [PM] Posts: 75 — Threads: 5
Signos: 750
Inactive Character
#5

⚔  in these silences, something may rise  ⚔


Satisfaction flooded his gut as he felt a heavy hoof connect with ribs.. whether or not they were broken or fractured, Tor might never find out. But that wasn't what mattered; all that did was watching Aion gasp and heave. It boiled his blood in all the best ways, set his nerves on fire.. pulled the corners of his lips into a smirk. A forceful burst of hot air blew through his nostrils as his eyes locked with the cornered, feathered wolf - the snort a challenge, if nothing else. 

As Aion pawed the ground impatiently, one of Tor's ombre ears twitched forward curiously. His muscles tightened, haunches dropped a minute degree, and Tor's head snaked closer to the ground, dark ears lost in his mess of a white mane. He was saddened, because even with the short time he knew the stallion, he had expected him to be more calculating... to think things through, and not blindly rush forward like a bull in a china shop.

And just like a bull would do, the black and white stallion charged forward balls to the wall... which no longer surprised Tor. He may have gotten him the first time, but not this round. Haunches perfectly ready, as soon as Aion lunged at him, Tor pushed off the ground as well - towards him, but ever so slightly to the right. The smaller stallion's teeth would find perch in nothing more than air, and initially it would seem as if the massive Warden was merely trying to dart past the smaller Deluminian..

Oh, far from it.

Tor had aligned himself just enough, angled his push off just so minutely to the right that their shoulders would be less than 6 inches apart. And as he launched forward, his head dropped, chin tucked to his chest and head angled just the right way that his crown of horns would stick up and to the left... aiming right for Aion' s side.

Those massive, razor sharp horns would not seek to puncture, but rather slice along Aion's left side. Their edges and tips angled to a point just like the edge of a blade, and Tor would be damned if the hard keratin of his horns did not taste blood once more.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Action. Thoughts. "Speech."

Reference Image - - chest cavity: TIGHTLY CLOSED - - 275 words - - code Ⓒ inkbone






Summary: Tor slightly anticipates Aion's charge due to the ground pawing, and readies himself. As he lurches forward, so does Tor - facing Aion as he does, but angled ever so slightly to the right. In the same movement as his own lunge, he drops his head and tucks his chin to his throat, angling his head and horns upwards and towards Aion's left side. He doesn't seek to puncture, but rather to slice all along Aion's side as he thunders past the white, black, and blue stallion.

Attack Used: 2
Attack(s) Left: 0
Block Used: 1
Block(s) Left: 0
Item(s) Used: None.

Response Deadline: 12/02/2017
Tags: @Aion, @kay, @inkbone, @sid





[ please tag @Torstein in all replies ]



I have three eyes
   TWO TO LOOK    ONE TO SEE





Played by Offline sid [PM] Posts: 66 — Threads: 12
Signos: 0
Inactive Character
#6


AION


As his momentum carries him forward, hard hooves digging into the ground and flinging sod in his wake, he sees the behemoth across the makeshift arena do the same. Their bodies hurtle towards each other in space and time, every step bringing the inevitable clash closer. Aion prepares himself for it, anticipating the teeth and hooves he knows will fly out at him, trying to batter him away, force him back to the ground. He won’t let it happen: he already can taste the blood from Tor’s hock, and he is determined to taste blood again.

But something is off.

There is no satisfying collision of bodies, no impact between the beast and the hound. Their trajectory is set to carry them straight past each other, a hairsbreadth of separation, and it is too late now to change course. Aion can hardly help the frustration that floods his veins as the purple-splashed stallion dodges him, refusing to meet him head-on in the traditional battle fashion. His hackles raise and shudder, teeth gnashing together in anger.

Aion is determined to not let him get away so easily. He acts purely on instinct as his hindquarters lower to the ground, hooves planting and digging to halt his forward trajectory. Every muscle strains, his injured side still screaming in protest as he forces himself to stop.

It’s only as he slows and rethinks his strategy that he realizes Torstein’s intent, catching sight of that great rack of horns angling to meet him head on.

he flings his own head sideways, away from the incoming collision. His body follows suit, lifting off the ground to dart out of the way. As his legs gather beneath him, now perpendicular to his opponent’s onslaught, he feels the grazing bite across his croup. The longest of Torstein’s horns grazes the top of his hindquarters, rolling across the curvature of his hips and leaving a short trail of red in its wake. It burns and itches, Aion’s skin crawling around the scrape—but it could have been far worse.

Once the two stallions are clear of one another, Aion spins back around to face the draft in anger, eyes flashing. The anger within them stood out vibrantly against his dark face, and now that he has a chance to breathe once more does he realize just how alive the emotion makes him feel.

“Trying to skewer me, Tor?” he snaps, sulking around the side of their dirt arena, maintaining a healthy distance. He limps slightly on his left foreleg, for that is where Torstein kick landed and placing his weight upon it strains the muscles of his side. “I’m afraid it will take more than that to best me.”


text. talk.


coding by sid
headshot by rhiann








Summary: Realizing they aren't going to collide, Aion comes to a sliding stop and tries to rethink his attack on the fly. That's when he sees Torstein's horns coming straight at him, and he uses his momentum from the slide to twist his body and jump perpendicularly away from Torstein, dodging the attack. The longest tine of Tor's horns scrapes along the top of his rump, drawing blood but is relatively superficial and not as severe as what could have happened. Once they are clear from each other, Aion maintains his distance and starts up his shit talking again.

Attack Used: 2
Attack(s) Left: 0
Block Used: 1
Block(s) Left: 0
Item(s) Used:

Response Deadline: 11/27/2017 EST
Tags: @Torstein, @kay, @inkbone, AND @sid











Played by Offline inkbone [PM] Posts: 75 — Threads: 5
Signos: 750
Inactive Character
#7

⚔  in these silences, something may rise  ⚔


His heart thrummed in his chest, he could feel the blood coursing under his skin, he could feel his stomach knotting in anticipation. Beautiful, bloody butterflies... but in an instant, Tor knew something was off. Teeth ground angrily as he saw Aion's hooves skid in the dirt, knowing full well the stallion was attempting to halt his momentum in a moment of - panic, maybe? But whatever caused the other to avoid him, disappointment brewed in his belly, turning the butterflies to mush.

But all was not lost.

He felt the pressure on the tips of the longest tines, but it was instantaneous and fleeting - gone within moments as Aion darted away. And as soon as he knew the other had evaded his deadly reach, his own hooves dug into the ground as he skidded to a halt and jerked his head upwards. Dirt flew at his hooves, nostrils flared and chest heaving with exertion. Sweat slicked his hide, made the dirt and dust cling to him.

An angry snort ripped from his nostrils, ears pinned back in his sweaty mess of a mane as he stamped a front hoof, eyes seeking out the retreating stallion. One hoof raised high, pawed the air before him in frustration, and then stamped down into the mud at his feet - creating a valley as he pawed it back towards himself. A challenge, if anything - while he jerked his head upwards, muzzle pointed up, staring down his nose at Aion. 

"Guess that means I'll just have to skewer you another time," he rumbled. The adrenaline ebbed away, leading way to the throbbing in his back leg.. which now sat cocked, only the tip of his hoof resting against the dirt. "Sorry that it wouldn't be the way you prefer it, feathers," he mocked, chuckling. While Tor had barely met the featherbutt but a few weeks prior... there was a spitfight, a fight, in him that Tor admired quietly. He was almost certain the other stallion despised him, though.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Action. Thoughts. "Speech."

Reference Image - - chest cavity: TIGHTLY CLOSED - - code Ⓒ inkbone






Summary: Just a quick wrap up post! Gotta get that one last cheap shot in ;D





[ please tag @Torstein in all replies ]



I have three eyes
   TWO TO LOOK    ONE TO SEE





Played by Offline sid [PM] Posts: 66 — Threads: 12
Signos: 0
Inactive Character
#8


AION


The laugh bubbled up inside of his chest, boisterous and unexpected. He tossed his head back high and let the laughter roll out of him. Now that the threat of an attack was gone and the stress had been worked—temporarily—out of his system, it left him feeling good. One could dare to say Aion was even happy, for the time being—there was only one person who could have made this moment better.

“Don’t knock it ‘till you try it, Warden,” he teased, flicking his long tail behind him. “I’ve seen straighter men than you learn something from it.” With that he lifted his legs into a fast-paced trot that carried him out of the Steppe, content to find a shallow stream to nurse his wounds in.


text. talk.


coding by sid
headshot by rhiann







you know he’s gotta have the last word ;D











Played by Offline inkbone [PM] Posts: 67 — Threads: 0
Signos: 4,585
Administrator
#9

To apply for a Battle Mod position, you must judge this battle!
See the below rubric for how battles are scored, and PM your judgement to @sid!

The battle rubric has changed since the last officially judged battle. You may reference previous battles, but be aware of the changes!
And when in doubt, please reference the fighting system section of the Guidebook and ask staff if you have questions!

BATTLE RUBRIC


Offensive (x/55)Defensive (x/30) Writing Metrics (x/15)
The quality of your attacks or offensive moves.

0/30 will be based on the creativity of your offense (originality, imagination, and attention to detail)

0/25 will be based on realism of your offense mechanics, and whether you accurately reflect your Health, Attack, Magic Level, and Bonded.
The quality of your block or defensive moves.

0/15 will be based on the creativity of your defense (originality, imagination, and attention to detail)

0/15 will be based on realism of your defense mechanics, and whether you accurately reflect your Health, Attack, Magic Level, and Bonded.
The overall quality of your your posts.

0/5 will be based on overal writing creativity (originality, imagination, and attention to detail)

0/5 will be based on overall realism (physical mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your Health, Attack, Magic Level, and Bonded)

0/5 will be based on writing metrics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc)






        






Played by [PM] Posts: N/A — Threads:
Lauren
Guest
#10

TORSTEIN vs AION


@TorsteinTotal: 76/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 20/30, Realism: 22/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 12/15, Realism 13/15
WRITING: Creativity 3/5, Realism 4/5, Mechanics 2/5

Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)

  • FIRST POST (intro)
    • I enjoyed his entrance, especially the bit about his hooves being larger than the holes in the arena! Not a big fan of “came the” twice in a row when he speaks, but that’s my pickiness.

  • SECOND POST
    • Defensive: Similar to the offensive, standard in creativity, though I appreciated the good description. Pulling his leg away makes perfect sense, and it made sense that it would rip the skin as a result.
    • Offensive: Not much creativity, but such is the world of realism, which was great! Logical that Tor would kick out at Aion, just like Aion predicted!
    • Mechanics: improper semicolon usage; “purchase” not “perch”; “have drew”?!; “furthest” not farthest.

  • THIRD POST
    • Defensive: (block) I really liked Tor’s take on Aion’s attack, the whole “bull in the china shop” deal. The creativity of the block was average but again, the writing surrounding it was enjoyable to read! I see him jumping more sideways than front, but with his next attack in mind, I see this as realistic prep.
    • Offensive: I really enjoyed how Tor uses his horns instead of just his teeth! Also, that he’s hoping to scrape instead of puncture is an interesting twist.
    • Mechanics: improper semicolon usage; improper hyphen usage; again, “purchase” not “perch”; along with the purchase bit, you’d want to say “on nothing” not “in nothing”.

  • FOURTH POST (closing)
    • I love their sly, sassy exchange, and Tor’s unspoken respect!
    • Mechanics: “skid”, not “skin”; 3 sentences separated by commas and no conjunctions?!







@AionTotal: 79/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 25/30, Realism: 20/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 13/15, Realism 12/15
WRITING: Creativity 4/5, Realism 3/5, Mechanics 2/5

Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)

  • FIRST POST
    • Offensive: Going for the hocks with the teeth is definitely different, but I can’t imagine that it would be very realistic. Additionally it was hard for me to understand that as your attack with your writing. Although the jaw strength of a horse is quite impressive, I can’t imagine Aion being able to pull Torstein’s leg out from underneath him. Also thought “body dragging low to the ground” was a strange phrase to use, considering that horses don’t move like that. I might have been more specific toward the neck/head to indicate the slinking motion.
    • Mechanics: “with every pulse” not “by every pulse”; improper hyphen use; “into” should be “in to”; improper colon use.
    • Note: “Before the sentence finished” confused me, considering what he said was a complete sentence!

  • SECOND POST
    • Defensive: Very much enjoyed the writing and twisting to escape. It was great imagery and fit with the slinking you presented earlier! I think it might have taken him a bit longer to catch his breath, but the way that he took the attack was realistic.
    • Offensive: I enjoyed the reference to Tor’s chest cavity, especially since that’s really such a big part of Tor’s appearance. Your description of Aion being “loosed like an arrow” was really pleasing, too! The head-on attack was fairly realistic; wild horses tend to go straight for each other!
    • Mechanics: improper semicolon usage (x2), switching between past and present tense.

  • THIRD POST
    • Defensive: Not wildly creative, but the description helped make up for that. I was worried at first when you said his body followed his head, since turning the head to one side often moves the horse’s body away from that turn. That being said, you had Tor’s horns catch Aion’s croup perpendicularly, which cinched it for me on staying realistic. Well done!
    • Mechanics: just a capitalization error!
    • Note: Loved the jabs and description of emotions. Your description of the injured leg makes me wonder if he got kicked in the leg or the ribcage behind his shoulder?






CLOSING REMARKS:
Guys this was a close battle! You both had one more creative attack, similar amounts of metric errors, and your balance of realism was fairly even. Like I said, this was so close. I was worried my math would put these at a tie! You both did a good job of describing your and each other’s characters size differences. I would have liked to see Tor’s magical ability at little bit more. Their verbal sparring was the icing on top. Thanks for a good read!










« Next Oldest | Next Newest »


Forum Jump: