Deep inside of herself, Anandi buried the longing to be among her kind, the bloodlust for the people she served, the constant nagging feeling that she was making the wrong choices. She made the conscious decision to lock these things away, she had to. To waver, at all, would be to fail. To look back was to fail. And so it was rigerous self-discipline that pushed her onward into strange lands, all alone.
But family is a weakness. Indrani is a weakness. The self-control slips, and Anandi’s insecurities gently bubble to the surface. Is she safe here? Are the others safe here too? Do they trust me?
… Can I be trusted?
Sometimes she sorely missed being a child. Life was so much easier when all you had to do was what you were told. It was dark, and a little dismal, but they didn’t know anything else. And to be surrounded by love, by sisters– what more could a girl ask for?
Only later, on the surface, would she realize all these desires she didn’t know to want: sunshine, rabbit meat, sapphires. The world, she wanted the world. She wanted it all.
Sometimes she wished to go back to before she knew better. But there was no going back now, no forgetting the feel of the wind in her hair and the sun on her skin. So she swallows her fears and anxieties with a stubborn set of her jaw. I deserve this, she thinks. we deserve this.
And with one last sniffle she flexes that remarkable self-control to stop her tears from falling. “Oh, don’t apologize! You’re here! I’m so happy.” She laughs with delight, and tightens the embrace for a few more moments before stepping away to look her sister in the eye.
“Isn’t it magical?” Anandi looks up to the blue sky and takes a deep breath. Air! In the lungs!! No one else in Novus appreciated it like she knew her sisters would. “There’s so much I have to show you! Did you see how many fish there are in the shallows?” Such unbelievable bounty, all theirs for the taking. “There are so many creatures on land, too. Deer, rabbit, mirestag, fox…” for some reason she felt better about eating them after learning their names, and so the emissary had inadvertently become quite the expert in local wildlife. “And the court! It’s like someplace right out of a fairy tale.”
She’s aware of herself chattering but can’t quite help herself. She takes a breather to reposition herself shoulder to shoulder with her sister, whom she begins to slowly guide to the court. “What do you make of it all so far?” Anandi was incredibly skilled at hiding her fears and insecurities, but she would never be able to hide her desire for her sisters’ approval.
I forgot that joy, too, ought to be mine
@
some say the loving and the devouring are all the same thing
☾
