Caelum
comes from a long line of blue collars and lace
with a grip like reins to a steed and kisses for days
There was something relaxing, listening to Lu talk.
Perhaps it was a means of living vicariously through her, truly; experiencing more o life that she denied herself y how their relationship (Lu and Isra that is) is getting on. Part of Cael knew it was another dangerous copping mechanism, a means to keep herself sheltered, keep her heart hurting, keep her memories causing her pain, but . . . it felt easier that way. To avoid thinking about tit. To listen wistfully to another's stories.
The ugly, green pest couldn't stay buried though.
She only wished the best for Lu and Isra, she'd admit that wholeheartedly, but that didn't keep the green beast on her back from whispering in her ear. From feeling jealousy and regret rise in her chest. Regret that it was her own decisions keeping her back and away from feeling that happiness with another, and jealousy that Lu was able to move past her own issues to welcome Isra's advances. There was also buried fear. A fear she'd never get to the point to heal herself. She'd be alone, for the rest of time, a spinster mare who had the chance at a family, only for it to be stolen away. That her chance had been her only chance, and she'd never get that chance again.
It was perhaps this fear that hurt the most.
It could suffocate her at night. Wondering what the rest of her life might be like if she would be alone in her shop for the rest of the time. Mixing up her herbs and medicines, while her friends move on, have families, grow together. Little foals running under foot. Taking more time to be a family together. And she'd be stuck, stuck in that back room, mixing up medicines as her shop would grow quiet, her friends no longer stopping by as often, she would be left alone. Alone . . . alone.
She didn't want that.
Perhaps that is why it was so good for her to have hit this breaking point today. To be challenging herself to open up, to talk, to cry, to feel. Oh, and did she feel. She forgot how much her heart could hurt. The ache seemed to be forcing the beats out of order. The dull pain that would spike with stabbing memories made her want to cry, laugh and scream all at the same time. Hold them close, and throw them away. Kept treasured, but unable to be looked at. Stuck in the middle of a fork, wondering which side to go down. The path filled with pain, loneliness, regrets, and distance from the rest of the world; or the path where she could smile and laugh about the places she came from, the things she did, the stories of her friends, her son, Trey or Arson. To be able to remember them with fondness, not bury their memories in pain.
She wanted that lightness again.
For all parts of her to be lighter. To be able to playfully banter with a stranger, to impishly grin and play a joke on a friend. But, like her own issues, Luvena wasn't as healed as she wanted, "Why can't you have both?" She asked softly, nuzzling her friend, "Why can't I want you to have both?" She wanted the world for Lu, wanted to give her the moon and stars, because in her eyes, her best friend deserved so much of it. But, like Caelum, she had her own issues, her own tragedies. "It's so hard to just let it out though. To sit back and wonder where to start, where to go."
She did have to smile slightly.
Heathen indeed. Her gaze was soft, though sad, smiling slightly; "A horrible little heathen. My father's council hated it. Would drive them insane. They would check their seats before they sat. And they refused to eat in the same room as myself and Regal. It was triple as bad when my Cousin, Absynthe would come to visit." She added softly, wistfully, before sighing, "I think . . . if I grieved proper . . . it'd just make it more real." She admitted softly.
She'd been avoiding it for so long.
Thankfully, Lu had a way of bringing her from these thoughts, as she was reminded just where Lu stood in the court. Caelum's face was pressed into a pillow, groaning, "I'd forgotten about that census. Feel free to pretend to forget, I'm sure he wouldn't be interested anyway. Probably has already forgotten about me. No need to go digging, really." She was fine as she was, right? She glanced up when her friend spoke, and she frowned gently before nodding, "Perhaps get some rest. Of course you'll see me again soon. Heaven knows I am certainly not the sort to turn down some quality time with my best friend." She murmured, before walking Luvena to the door, wishing her well before closing it behind her, and collapsing back onto some pillows, her thoughts returning to everything that had been spoken today.
"Speech"
Thoughts
@Luvena
Notes: and closed <3
Perhaps it was a means of living vicariously through her, truly; experiencing more o life that she denied herself y how their relationship (Lu and Isra that is) is getting on. Part of Cael knew it was another dangerous copping mechanism, a means to keep herself sheltered, keep her heart hurting, keep her memories causing her pain, but . . . it felt easier that way. To avoid thinking about tit. To listen wistfully to another's stories.
The ugly, green pest couldn't stay buried though.
She only wished the best for Lu and Isra, she'd admit that wholeheartedly, but that didn't keep the green beast on her back from whispering in her ear. From feeling jealousy and regret rise in her chest. Regret that it was her own decisions keeping her back and away from feeling that happiness with another, and jealousy that Lu was able to move past her own issues to welcome Isra's advances. There was also buried fear. A fear she'd never get to the point to heal herself. She'd be alone, for the rest of time, a spinster mare who had the chance at a family, only for it to be stolen away. That her chance had been her only chance, and she'd never get that chance again.
It was perhaps this fear that hurt the most.
It could suffocate her at night. Wondering what the rest of her life might be like if she would be alone in her shop for the rest of the time. Mixing up her herbs and medicines, while her friends move on, have families, grow together. Little foals running under foot. Taking more time to be a family together. And she'd be stuck, stuck in that back room, mixing up medicines as her shop would grow quiet, her friends no longer stopping by as often, she would be left alone. Alone . . . alone.
She didn't want that.
Perhaps that is why it was so good for her to have hit this breaking point today. To be challenging herself to open up, to talk, to cry, to feel. Oh, and did she feel. She forgot how much her heart could hurt. The ache seemed to be forcing the beats out of order. The dull pain that would spike with stabbing memories made her want to cry, laugh and scream all at the same time. Hold them close, and throw them away. Kept treasured, but unable to be looked at. Stuck in the middle of a fork, wondering which side to go down. The path filled with pain, loneliness, regrets, and distance from the rest of the world; or the path where she could smile and laugh about the places she came from, the things she did, the stories of her friends, her son, Trey or Arson. To be able to remember them with fondness, not bury their memories in pain.
She wanted that lightness again.
For all parts of her to be lighter. To be able to playfully banter with a stranger, to impishly grin and play a joke on a friend. But, like her own issues, Luvena wasn't as healed as she wanted, "Why can't you have both?" She asked softly, nuzzling her friend, "Why can't I want you to have both?" She wanted the world for Lu, wanted to give her the moon and stars, because in her eyes, her best friend deserved so much of it. But, like Caelum, she had her own issues, her own tragedies. "It's so hard to just let it out though. To sit back and wonder where to start, where to go."
She did have to smile slightly.
Heathen indeed. Her gaze was soft, though sad, smiling slightly; "A horrible little heathen. My father's council hated it. Would drive them insane. They would check their seats before they sat. And they refused to eat in the same room as myself and Regal. It was triple as bad when my Cousin, Absynthe would come to visit." She added softly, wistfully, before sighing, "I think . . . if I grieved proper . . . it'd just make it more real." She admitted softly.
She'd been avoiding it for so long.
Thankfully, Lu had a way of bringing her from these thoughts, as she was reminded just where Lu stood in the court. Caelum's face was pressed into a pillow, groaning, "I'd forgotten about that census. Feel free to pretend to forget, I'm sure he wouldn't be interested anyway. Probably has already forgotten about me. No need to go digging, really." She was fine as she was, right? She glanced up when her friend spoke, and she frowned gently before nodding, "Perhaps get some rest. Of course you'll see me again soon. Heaven knows I am certainly not the sort to turn down some quality time with my best friend." She murmured, before walking Luvena to the door, wishing her well before closing it behind her, and collapsing back onto some pillows, her thoughts returning to everything that had been spoken today.
"Speech"
Thoughts
@Luvena
Notes: and closed <3
Wwo still loves her daddy but changes her name
an overachiever, even she don't believe her own fame
art by bingo
