she listens to wind secrets and echoes of distant star songs
T
here is something really intimidating about the mountains. I'm not sure if it's how big they are and how they almost look down on Denocte like a disapproving parent. Maybe it's the thought of all the creatures that live up there or how if you stand too close to the cliff's edge, you could fall into its depths. I wouldn't know, I've never tried any of those things.
Even as I look up at them now, I don't have any plans to climb up there. They are really pretty to look at though, especially as the sun is setting. There is snow at the very tip of them, so it almost changes the color of the snow to match.
On another thought- I can't wait to experience snow. Momma tells me it falls from the sky like rain, except they're tiny crystals. Sometimes they melt in your mouth or they'll collect on the ground and form soft piles you can run through. I'm enjoying fall for now, despite how unsure I am of the not-fire trees.
For now, I'll go without it all and admire all that snow from afar. I found myself wandering out here from boredom. Momma Morr will likely be looking for me once she realizes I've left. She had been taking a nap in the castle, but I wasn't tired so I snuck away. Something called me here, but even now as I'm here, I can't explain it. I think it's a calling anyway. It just felt like a nudge that I needed to be here.
A few moments pass and I'm thinking of leaving, but then I hear footsteps behind me. When I turn, it's a palomino lady I haven't met before. Is this why I'm here? Is she someone special? She looks pregnant, so that's cool I guess. Maybe I'm just overthinking all this.
"Hi!" I greet happily anyways since meeting new people is fun. "Who are you? I'm Maeve!" She doesn't look like anyone I've seen in Denocte before, but then again it's a big Court. I hope to meet everyone from here some day.
I look to the mountains again as the colors seem to get even brighter in the sunset sky. "Aren't the mountains just so cool? Have you ever been up there?" She's definitely older than me, so I just assume she's done more things than I have.
lena, is it?” A boy had once asked her with a honey voice and smile made from sickly sweet candy. “Hmmm, I think Gorgeous would be more fitting.” Elena had rolled her eyes. Cassian was perhaps the only one that was able to get away with saying something like that. He was one of the firsts to talk to her like that, aside from Vadar, but it was the first time someone flirted with her for the sake of flirting, there were no ulterior motives. She found it, despite herself, refreshing. She wonders where he is now. If he is happy. If maybe he has a child or two. She even tries not think about what this child would look like if he were the father. Cassian may have been a flirt, he may have been too sly for his own good, but Elena knows he would have been a good father. He would have been here for her. Unlike Tenebrae.
This is unfair of Elena to say, and she knows this, though the thought that doesn't belong in her head still helps her stomach unclench.
Her heart beats impatiently in her ribcage, emotions stir relentlessly. So much time has passed, and yet it feels like none at all. But it had to of, because she can see the way her belly rounds with a child. Her child. Their child. No, it had to be her child. Only her child. Eyes like bruises blink away the thoughts.
So Elena does something she hasn't done in such a long time, she walks, with no where in particular to go. She knows this is dangerous, because she moves to the mountains because without a direction, her heart leads her to him. She wonders how she is able to keep walking with all the broken glass in her chest. She knows it is there because her heart was shattered, because even though something still beats inside her, it must be an imposter. The wounds are too real to be anything else, her heart too empty to still be inside her at all.
The mountains look weathered and ancient. She feels something stir and she wonders if she can really do this. “It’s a lovely day,” she had told Nashua, her nephew. “The wind seems fair.” And he had flown. It was the first time, the first real time, even after Aerwir pressuring her, even after falling for monsters, Elena entertained the idea of becoming a mother.
She doesn't know what brings her to the base of the mountains today.
Perhaps it is the howling of wolves. Or the chill in an autumn air. Or maybe it is this feeling of weighted guilt that sits as a child within her.
Maybe she should tell him.
No, she shouldn’t.
She doesn't know why she comes here, but the further she moves, the more it makes sense. The tug in her belly grows stronger.
Elena finds (have you really found something if you weren't looking for it?) the little girl all alone. Her stomach flutters. A child out here alone did not seem to be the safest things. “Hi, Maeve, I’m Elena.” She offers her. “I’ve been there, once.” Once with a shed-star, that told her to breathe, to calm, who sang to her, who led her, who held her. Without thinking those blue eyes look towards them, thinking, with a bit of dumb luck, she might see him there. But, there is nothing. “What are you doing out here all alone?”
She looks upon the little stranger, and she realizes for the first time, the tug—has stopped.
she listens to wind secrets and echoes of distant star songs
S
he says her name is Elena and I think it's one of the prettiest names I've ever heard. It's definitely not a name I've heard around here, so that's what makes me think she's from somewhere else. Then again, I guess it might not be possible for me to meet all of the Court in just the last few months.
The coolest thing though is that she says she has been up into the mountains. I can only imagine what sort of things she's seen there and I hope she might be willing to tell me. Before I can ask though, she wonders why I'm out here all alone. I guess I can't blame her for being a bit worried. I am very small and young and she doesn't know me.
"I'm not tired yet," I answer simply as if it excuses me sneaking off from the castle and Momma. I'm more interested in the mountains and the secrets it holds.
"What's it like up there?" I ask, immediately changing the subject back. "I've always wanted to explore the mountains, but Momma doesn't let me. She says I'm too young and it's dangerous." It makes me sad, really, because I know that many others have gone up there. I know Shed Stars live there, or some still do. Star-horses are very interesting to me too and maybe I'll be able to meet one someday.
It seems I might never end up hearing the stories because we're interrupted by the piercing cry of a bird. I look up to see a hawk attempting to fly in the distance, but it's moving all funny. Then suddenly I just see it drop down towards the ground. I can feel my heart stop in my chest and the air is sucked out of me.
"Elena! Did you see that?" I asked, feeling frantic. All I can think of now is that I want to go make sure it's okay. Something has to be wrong.
I don't even wait for Elena to answer before I start running.
ou’re not tired yet?” Her laugh was thin but it rang like silver bells in her mouth. She wonders about the girls parents. She thinks of the own child in her stomach, dancing, twirling, excited to be brought into the world just as this child has been. Elena too, is eager to meet them. Colt or filly? Would they like to pick flowers or would they rather race through them? Would they rather build a snow fort or play on the ice? She has so many questions that make her smile, so excited to see their little face.
And then there are other questions she asks herself. Would she tell Tenebrae? Would he ever find out that he played a part in this child’s creation? What would he resent his child if he found out? These thoughts make her shudder. This child was half his, Elena knew this, he had the right to know them, if he wanted to, but Elena would never know if she didn't ask, and she just cant find the courage to do so.
It’s easier to pretend Azrael is the father, and pray like hell the child doesn't look like it’s father.
And that they never find out.
And neither does Tenebrae.
“Beautiful,” Elena answers. “You can see every constellation up on the mountain. There are so many stars,” she comments. She thinks of Azrael, of them huddled close together, his kind voice, his warm body, the light that illuminated from him. “You don't want to go alone,” she says, trying to put some caution to her words. She feels the sadness rolling off the girl and it hits her soul. Elena shakes it away easily, children’s emotions were easier to handle most times, they could still be complicated, but there was not years and years of weight hanging on them, making them so impossible to dig through. “Maybe take your mom with you,” she offers, unaware of whose child this is.
It is then she feels something in the back of her mind, like it has always been there. Fire. She sees it clearly in her head and she understands that this girl must have the ability to wield it, but something else comes alive: healing. Elena doesn't ask. She rarely informs others of her ability to sense powers, most considering it an encroachment on their privacy. Is the girl aware of her gift? Elena has to wonder.
Blue eyes echo Maeve’s as a cry jets across the sky. The bird is moving crookedly, strained, it all together looks wrong, that is not how they are supposed to fly. And then the girl is gone. “Maeve!” Elena calls out, following closely behind before her strides match the girl. Call it motherly instinct, but she wants to stop the girl, tell her it is too dangerous. But she recognizes something in Maeve that has always lived in Elena. It can be as dangerous as poison, but it is as warm as sunlight. Compassion.
Compassion makes people do foolish things.
“Come on,” she says, her voice urgent, serious. “I think it fell over there.” Elena continues to race ahead, but with a slow enough pace that Maeve would not lose her. She slows down only when they reach some rocks, and there on top of one, rests the hawk. Elena goes over to it, lowers her golden head to ensure it is still breathing before turning blue eyes to Maeve. “Do you know how to heal, Maeve?” She asks her. Elena turns back to the hawk and her stomach knots. It needed healing, now.
i'm up against these things i can't see ;
they don't compare ; make me believe, make me believe
S
ometimes I wonder if adults remember what it was like when they were my age. When Elena is confused that I'm not tired yet, this is what makes me wonder. There's just too much of the world to see to just sleep, of course I'd rather be going out and exploring.
It didn't help much hearing about the mountains either and only made me feel more eager. I love looking up at the sky and trying to figure out the constellations, but to have an even better view? I wanted that really badly. I don't know if Momma would like it, but maybe I could try to convince her to bring me up there some day. I think she'll make me grow a bit more first.
But now after seeing the bird fall, this is all that feels important now.
I hear Elena call my name, but it feels far away almost. It's not long until she's by my side and we're heading off to try and find the poor bird. I'm thankful to not be alone in this because all I can feel is panic. As much as I like to do some things myself, I'm not really confident in trying to do everything alone. Maybe someday, but this seemed too great to figure out myself.
We keep running with Elena leading the way. My breaths are getting shorter from the running and the panic, but I'm determined. I've never felt this great need before. It's not something I can ignore either and I'm glad that Elena didn't try to talk me out of it like Momma would. When we do finally find the bird, it's fallen over a rock. It looks terrible and the sight makes my heart sink. There are so many questions swirling in my head and I just want to make sure it's okay.
"No," I croak, tears welling up in my eyes. I don't know how to heal. I don't know anything. This bird is going to die because I don't know enough. I can't explain it, but I feel drawn to him and it's making me desperate to help. We're too far away for me to run back to the Court and look for a medic. That's also if they would know how to heal a bird and not just a horse.
"Do you know?" I ask, looking back up at Elena. "Please… we have to help him." I'm begging her and hope to Caligo that we can figure out some kind of miracle.
lena remembers being young, she remembers racing the river, she remembers tree forts, but she remembers how much of her childhood was taken away. Losing her parents, men loving her before they should have, being mercilessly chased, having her homes snatched away. She looks at Maeve and she thinks, yes, she remembers, but she doesn't want to remember all of it.
She wants to be like the ocean, she thinks.
Indifferent.
Her smile softens at the girl. There is a blue sky in Elena’s gaze. Maeve was young, with so much ahead of her, who knows where she would go, she had miles and miles stretched out before her. She hopes her childhood is long and beautiful and full of smiles.
Maeve takes off so fast, Elena barely has time to register how her own compassionate heart so carefully mirrors Elena’s own. How often had Elena ran into danger to protect someone she barely knew? She had nearly cast herself over a cliff side to save Litotes, and that was before he had a name, before she knew his relation to Kensa. She had stood before the Snow Prince, barely a yearling, and she had put herself between him and Lilli.
And now it is Maeve running into the potential danger, all for the life of another, a life she doesn't even know. If Elena would have time, she would have wrapped Maeve in a tight hug, but she would not have warned her still how much that compassion inside her heart is going to make her ache, make her cry, make her wish everything in the world was right and break when it wasn't. Some things you have to learn for yourself.
They run and a frown creases Elena’s delicate, Spanish features. The worry rushes over Maeve and for the first time, Elena does something she hasn't done before. She looks to Maeve and tries her past to push calmness onto the girl, to soothe even a bit of the panic she feels. It rolls off Elena’s own golden skin and tries to latch itself onto Maeve.
The bird, when they see it, looks almost broken. She wants to shield Maeve away from it, but something tells Elena not to do it, to let her see, to let her know. “That’s okay,” she reassures Maeve. “It’s okay,” she says. The look Maeve gives nearly undoes her. She wants to pull her close, cradle her head and tell her everything was going to be alright. But now is not the time. “I still need you to help me, okay?” She says to the girl, tries once more to press that peace into Maeve’s heart, to help settle her breath and slow her heart. “First, calm down, a worried head clouds, and a clouded head cannot heal,” Elena says kindly, but there is a sternness in her words. “Maeve, look the bird over, what do you see? What do we need to fix?” Elena looks at the girl’s eyes with her own of blue.
Once she had been in Hyaline, young and fresh, and she had wanted nothing more than to be apart of something bigger than herself. She had gone to represent her territory in all she could, taking part in quests, educating herself, discussing politics with strangers, discussing politics with those who looked like they could kill her in one blow. She wanted to be apart of something bigger than herself. Hyaline had failed her.
But Terrastella, Maeve, the people of Novus, they have let Elena give herself to them again and again and again. Her pieces become wedged into something bigger.
i'm up against these things i can't see ;
they don't compare ; make me believe, make me believe
T
his panic is setting into me so quickly, it's like I can't breathe. It's suffocating and stealing all the air from my lungs. My heart is beating faster too and my chest feels tight. I just feel so unsure and so scared for this poor bird in pain.
There's something about Elena's voice that soothes me. It's similar to how I feel when Momma's calming me down, but it's a little different. I can't really explain it, but I can breathe a little easier again. She tells me it's okay and I believe her (because it needs to be okay, for this hawk's sake). What she says next is true and I guess I never really thought of it that way. Even being a little calmer is making it easier for me to think.
Elena asks me to help her, so I nod. I don't really know what I can do, but maybe I can try if she gives me instructions. She seems really smart and I hope to be like her some day. For now, I guess I'll try to look to see what she wants me to see.
She asks me to describe what I see and what we need to fix, so I take a deep breath and try to focus. It seems clear that it's the hawk's wings, or maybe just one? But since it fell out of the sky, its wings can't work to help him fly. I can see he's bent over strange and can only imagine what kind of pain he must be in. He hasn't bothered to move much since we arrived, almost as if he's too tired to even cry out. My heart feels so heavy for him.
"I think his wing is broken? Something is wrong with them at least," I tell her, then notice something red along the base of one wing. When I look more closely, it's a spot that looks like it was bleeding. "Or maybe it's this? It looks like something attacked him here." I point to the wound with my nose, but then he twitches and makes a quiet disgruntled sound when I get too close. Maybe the feeling of my breath is making it feel worse, so I pull back right away. I instantly feel bad since it hadn't been my intention to do that.
"Can we fix that? Will he fly again?" I ask Elena, desperation in my voice again. I'm trying not to panic, but it's really hard. All I can think about is how he might never fly again and how awful that must feel for such a majestic bird. I really, really hope Elena will know what to do.
anic. Elena knows the feeling well, and it falls away from Maeve and into Elena’s own skin. She is strong enough to bat the emotions away, but not before the girl is strung up bare to Elena, all her emotions on display. “Maeve,” Elena says almost sternly to the girl, but there is no mistaking the kindness and affection she already feels for the child. “I know it is hard, but you have to calm down,” she says gently. “Keeping a clear, quiet mind is so important in healing,” she says again. Elena continues to try to push waves of quiet peace towards the girl, it is weak, but if it can even steady her pulse, slow her down.
Elena listens intently to what Maeve says, what she describes. “Yes,” she responds with a nod of her golden head. “I think something must have hurt him and that is why he seems to be favoring that wing,”Elena comments only briefly before setting off to work. “Easy, Maeve,” Elena says to her. “Try talking to him, tell him we are here to help, I think he will listen to you,” Elena says. This is not the first time she has witnessed an almost magical connection, she had seen it with a boy of stars and an owl once on a night that felt like years ago. “We can fix it,” Elena says. There is a small plant with some leaves, and though she would have preferred gauze to wrap the bird’s wound, they have little options out here. “Okay, Maeve, hold the leaf to the wound and I am going to wrap it,” the palomino gently instructs, remembering the kind, guiding hand Lovelace had offered her when she had been learning. Elena wraps the wound carefully as to not injure the creature further.
“I think,” she says when she steps back from her work. “With your care and dedication, I think he very well will fly again, Maeve,” She says and offers a gentle touch on the girl’s shoulder. “He would not be alive if it were not for you and your skills today,” she says, the same statement an obsidian unicorn once said to her in a time that feels eons from this one. “You would make an excellent medic, if you wish to pursue that path,” she says. Elena sees skills in the girl that she had when she had been her age, if Maeve wished to do it, she very well could, and she very well would succeed. “Come, carefully lift him, he will need to held, and I will walk you home,” she says. Her mother would be worried, and Elena only knows this because that baby inside her, if that baby were missing, she knows she would be feeling just the same.
She walks with Maeve home and she watches her from the corner of her eye, imagining. She imagines is this what it will be like as a mother? Calming the worry, encouraging skills, and fostering confidence? She will worry again, later, about becoming a mother and what it means, but as she walks with Maeve, she thinks for the first time, maybe she can do this.
i'm up against these things i can't see ;
they don't compare ; make me believe, make me believe
E
lena tells me again that I have to be calm. Why is it so hard to just be calm?! But the more she speaks, the more it soothes me a little again. It's not like how Momma calms me down, but it's still enough to get me to take a deep breath and just focus. Maybe I just have to keep practicing. I wonder how long it took Elena to be good at this being calm thing.
Thankfully, what I said was right about the hawk's injuries. I smile and feel proud of myself. Really, I was just going with my gut feeling. I've never really dealt with this before, so I guess I just need to go with my gut more often. Elena then suggests that I talk to the hawk. At first, it seems kind of weird, but as I look at him and our eyes meet, I can… feel something. Maybe she's right. She hasn't led me astray so far at least.
"It'll be okay, little bird, we'll take care of you. Just take some deep breaths and we'll patch you up!" I tell him and it doesn't feel so weird after I say it. In fact, it feels like something has clicked and it just feels natural now. The hawk even understands me and nods, then continues to stay as still as he can so we can get to work.
I'm relieved when Elena says we can fix his wing. I listen to her instructions carefully and hold the leaf in place while she wraps the wing. It's cool to watch how she does it and I can tell she's an expert. Once she's done, she's confident that the hawk will be able to fly again. Apparently I did a really good job today and I would make a good medic! I puff out my chest with pride.
"Really? You think so?" I ask her, finding myself wanting to ask so many questions now. "I haven't thought of it before, but what you did was so cool!" Before I can get the chance to ask those questions, she instructs for me to help her pick up the hawk so we can take him back home. I guess I'll just have to ask those questions later because this is very important.
As we begin to walk back, I can feel a tickle in the back of my mind. Then, I hear a small voice say "thank you". When I look over at the hawk, he's smiling at me and my eyes grow wide. Did he just speak to me telepathically? I didn't think such a thing was possible.
"It's okay, we are bonded, you and I," he explains and then it all makes sense. I knew there was something about this day and this place that drew me here. It's because we were meant to be bonded and I needed to find him to save his life. It's likely the reason Elena had been lead here too so she could help me.
I tell Elena what just happened as we walk home and find myself feeling really excited. What an amazing day this turned out to be and with a great ending too! I can't wait to tell Momma all about it when we get back.
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