There’s a part of him that knows he should have tried harder, that he should have given her his everything. And yet, there’s something that doesn’t sit well with him. She wants him to love her fiercely but he knows he can’t give her that. He’s torn between wanting to love again and being scared to love again. It’s not fair to her and he knows it, he can only hope that she will understand.
It’s been a week since their date, a week since they sat awkwardly trying to come up with things to talk about. It’s been a week since she called him on his bullshit and he didn’t have the words to say. At the time, he didn’t understand his own feelings, but he does now. He knows he was never truly invested in a relationship and she knew it before he did.
Slowly he walks along the shore of the lake, his eyes looking out for her. He doesn’t really want to trek up into the mountains, so he hopes that she has come down in a moment of peace for herself. And then he sees her. She’s standing there, looking out over the water with the moonlight light cascading over her. She is beautiful in this moment and he hates that he’s about to break her heart.
He steps closer to her, a soft whicker of greeting leaving lips. He doesn’t call out to her, but he hopes she at least knows the sound of his voice. He waits until she recognizes him before he steps closer to her, coming to stand beside her.
He’s silent a moment, trying to formulate the words in his head, words that won’t cause her too much pain. "Good evening Luvena." He slowly turns to look at her, the deepness of his brown eyes searching hers. Without realizing it, a bright pink hibiscus flower blooms into her mane. It weaves it’s way between each strand, latching on unnaturally and never letting go.
This is the moment he needs to break the news. "I trust you’ve heard that Elena has stepped down…" It’s a pitiful way to start the conversation, but in its own way, it’s telling about where his head is at. The last time he was forced to choose between love or his kingdom, he tried to choose both and it had failed. He was pledged to Terrastella and he could not turn his back on her. He hoped she might understand.
The spark had faded. At the time she’d thought her words to him by the lake had been driven by passion. Now she wondered if it had simply been a longing for what once was. What once had been. Their date had been rather awkward… She hadn’t ended up saying what she wanted to say. That he needed to accept all of her, weakness and all.
The lake. This was where she had first tried to convince him. And had succeeded in that endeavor. Perhaps unfortunately so. She’d talked him into a romance and for what? To be held back from what he really wanted? And truthfully she was holding herself back too. Though she wasn’t sure if she was ready to admit that just yet.
And really they knew nothing of each other. He probably didn’t even know she’d come down from the mountains to live in the court. For quite some time now at that. That had been in the summer. Now the seasons had changed enough that there was a biting chill in the air. One she fought by keeping the girls pressed up against her. She’d come there now to think. Ever since she’d been up the peak she couldn’t shake the feeling of dread she’d felt up there.
And then she saw him. On the other side of the lake, handsome as always. “Rhone” she murmured in response. She was trying to think what she should say to end things easily. Kindly. Afterall, she’d put them here. It seemed he had the same idea.
“I did” she replied quietly. “I take it you are putting your name in the running?” She nodded, more to herself than him. “I put mine in some time ago for champion of healing… It seems soon we will both have big things to worry about.”
He had started off the conversation terribly. The moment the words had left his lips, he knew. He knew that they were not the right way to end things, but he could not take them back. But then again, maybe they had not been as much of a failure as he had thought. Perhaps he had done something right, opening the door to a conversation that he needed to have with her, but one he was terrified to have.
She answers politely enough, telling him that yes, she had heard about Elena stepping down. In the same breath, she assumed that he had put in his name for her replacement. While she was right, perhaps she was wrong about how he had actually come to the decision. "Aye." He was quiet a moment, looking out over the lake in quiet contemplation. "Ever since I came to Novus, I pledged myself to Terrastella, to Asterion. I have offered my advice and encouragement to all the kings and queens of Dusk because I was once a king.". His eyes looked to her and he waited, unsure if the news would shock her at all. The small tidbit of information had been something he didn’t tell many others, only those that needed to know it. Asterion new. Marisol had known. But not many others did. It was a piece of information he kept hidden because he did not want to be bathed in an unnatural light nor held to a much higher standard.
He sighed. He knew he needed to explain things further, that he needed her to understand where he was coming from. It was going to be a hard conversation, but she deserved that much. "I told myself I would never rule a kingdom again because I had failed so miserably at it. You see, when I was much younger, I tried to live the life of a king and be a father and lover. In the end, I tried to choose both, dividing my time between my kingdom and my family." He sighed, thoughts of Ariana, Dierdre, and the children he shared between the two women. It made his heart ache and he had forgotten how much he cared for his family. "It bit me in the ass. I did a disservice against my family and my kingdom and in the end, I lost both." Watching his family walk away had been the hardest day of his life. To see them begging for all of his attention and knowing he couldn’t give it to them had been painful.
Head drooped lower, his nose barely off the sand. "I told myself that I could never put myself in that position again because I couldn’t make the same mistakes twice." Slowly, he rose his head and turned to look at her. She deserved his full attention, even if he knew it would not be easy. "I care for you, Luvena…and perhaps I do really love you…but…" His voice trailed off for a moment. "…but I pledged my loyalty to Dusk before I ever met you. Dusk calls for me now and I had to choose. It was not fair to you to try and chose both you and Dusk…" By now she would begin to put the pieces together, to realize that he was trying to end the relationship that they had started.
However, he was not done. She deserved so much more and he would do his best to ensure that she was treated right and fair. "You deserve the sun, the moon, and the stars. You deserve someone who can give you all of that. I can’t be that someone for you…but I hope and pray you find that person." He sighed. "It is not fair for you to only get a part of me." She deserved all of someone. She deserved someone who would bow at her feet and give her everything she ever desired. He wished he could be that person, but he knew he could not. "I still value our friendship, Luvena, and I hope that we can still remain as such." He knew her heart would be broken, that she would probably not want to see him again. And yet, just maybe she would still allow him to be a friend to her, something he still wanted.
She showed little to no reaction to his reveal. He was not the first former king she had met. He surely would not be the last. Not to mention, she herself had once ruled a land. Twice in fact. Once as its princess and once as its queen. She had met so many at this point in her life in fact that sometimes it was more surprising to her that in Novus, few had held that role.
“Stop rolling your words in honey and sugar” she replied, her own voice crisper than usual. But never losing its gentle edge. “You are choosing duty over love, and I respect that. I nearly did the same thing as a queen myself. But don’t speak to me as if I’m a babe to be cradled. Truthfully, I think we both knew this wasn’t going to work either way. We both have too many losses behind us. I cannot let go of my children and my past. Nor can you.” she bit back the rest of what she was thinking, not wanting to hurt the man who had showed her nothing but kindness. She knew he thought he could fix her, that if he could just find the right cure. Luvena couldn’t handle being put through that again, not after all these years of living this way.
She had let her own past as a queen roll off her tongue casually. It had been so long ago now that she wasn’t sure if it had really happened. She knew what juggling duty and love meant. For her, it had resulted in a kingdom being turned to ashes. She smiled soon after though, and nudged his shoulder gently. “Of course we will be you bumbling fool” she laughed.
To say that Rhone wasn’t offended would be a lie. He did not expect her to react with exaggeration at his reveal. He had shared a part of himself that he hadn’t really shared with anyone. Perhaps what bothered him the most was that while he shared with her an intimate part of himself, she seemed to write it off as if it were nothing. Those words were hard to say and she acted as though they meant nothing. He tried not to look offended, but he couldn’t help the way his face betrayed his intentions.
In all honesty, he was trying to be kind to her, to not hurt her feelings. Instead of thanking him for his thoughtfulness, she brushed it off as if it was nothing. It felt like a dagger through the heart. "I did not want to hurt you, Luvena…" He cared for her deeply and the last thing he wanted was to hurt her in his choice. Instead of acknowledging that he was trying to protect her heart (even if it was not his job to do so), she damn near laughed in his face, brushing off his own feelings while trying to justify her own.
In this moment, Rhone felt himself grow smaller. He felt insulted. He expected to feel pain, but he was unprepared for the lashings she gave him, even if she tried to hide them behind kindness and smiles. "I wanted this…us to work. I promised you I would try and I was…" But he paused. She was putting words into his mouth that were not there and while he should just smile and nod and move on, he could not. "It is not my past that is holding me back, please do not say it is. I want you to have the best. You deserved all of me and I can’t give you that while trying to guide a court. It might have been different if you were still in Dusk…" Would it have made a difference? Perhaps…but perhaps not. If she had been close, he might could have continued to try, to overcome his barriers. But the long-distance thing was doomed. They were separated by a damn ocean.
But when she nudged his shoulder, telling him that they would remain friends regardless, Rhone was confused. Everything about this meeting had gone so very different than he had imagined. He had hoped they could go back to how they had once been, but now he wasn’t so sure. Now he had doubts about himself and about their friendship. How poorly did she think of him? He tried to smile, but it came across as forced and unsure.
She knew immediately she’d said the wrong thing. Though she had meant every bit of what she said, he seemed not to take it the way it was intended. Still, his words were not harmless either. If he knew her at all he’d have known that she did not want minced words or gentle letdowns.
Nothing she said was hidden. She had always said what she meant. Even when it had come to her children she had told them as many truths as she could. As much as they could understand. “I want the best for you as well” she replied gently, trying to salvage what was left of this conversation. It seemed to have turned sour quickly. “But my heart never belonged in Dusk…”
She paused, her head dipping towards the ground. “I don’t think we ever knew each other at all…” she murmured quietly. She wasn’t even sure if he’d listened to what she’d said at all. She too had given him her truth and he hadn’t responded either. “I died once Rhone I…” she stopped. Unsure if her words would come across as callous or caring. She didn’t want to ruin this further. “I don’t have the time left in me to draw things out… to make things work…” he hadn’t responded to her claim that they would still be friends. “Either you agree that we’re still friends… which I want… or we truly cut it here.” She turned her head to the side, blinking back tears that were starting to well up in her eyes before turning back to face him.
While her words about Dusk never being home hurt, he could not fault her for it. Each court had different values, different people, different paces. Dusk was what called to him and he knew and understood that not everyone was called to Dusk as he was. He understood and accepted that fact, even though he now knew her affection for him was not enough to keep her near to him. "I don’t fault you, Luvena…" He didn’t blame her for being so far away. He didn’t necessarily use distance as an excuse for why their relationship wouldn’t work. Was it a factor, sure. But more than anything, he simply couldn’t give her all of him…something she deserved.
However, when she said that they never knew each other at all, it was like a dagger through the heart. He had listened to every word she said and held it so very dear. He had shared parts of himself that no one else knew. He felt as though she had discarded his own truths, diminishing his attempts to let her in…something that was very difficult for him.
Her words that she didn’t have the time to draw things out or make things work was hard to hear. It sounded as though she did not even want to put in the effort. There was a part of him that had truly hoped she would change her mind, that she would want to fight for them. Perhaps it would ignite a longing in him to make things work as well. But she wanted to give up so easily. "You give up so easily…" His words were soft, barely a whisper and not really meant for her to hear.
Her ultimatum was more than hurtful. It was like she had already stuck a dagger in him and now was slowly twisting it as to sever anything and everything in it’s path. "You know, it hurts to know that you believe I would just throw away a friendship faster than a used cigarette. We’ve been friends a long time and I have every intention of staying that way…but your words hurt." Was their friendship going through a rough patch, yes. Would they be able to survive it? He hoped so.
