There is so much she wants to share about Nocturne and Rift, so many things she wants to get off her chest. But Katniss is slow to trust, her secrets held safe and close. She longs for a friend here, someone that she can share her secrets to and someone that can kept those secrets in turn. Despite the life she has lived, Katniss desires companionship – she wants that friend that she can tell anything to, that friend that will have her back no matter what the circumstance and who will never ask her questions, only ask what they can do to help. She desperately wants that relationship and so far, no one has really stepped up to that plate yet. No one has made her feel that comfortable here, perhaps aside from Asterion. But even he has his own secrets. Perhaps she will find that friend in time. Perhaps, even, that friendship has already started to blossom, but has not reached its bloom yet.
It’s the way Isra’s shoulder brushes against her own that catches her attention, her ears focused once more on what the queen has to say. She offers a sweet smile and a slow dip of her head. “When that is all you know, it is not a hard life to live.” From the moment she hit the ground, her training began. She was taught strategy and weak points, how to use her magic (what little magic she did have) and how to outsmart her opponents. She was never taught how to make friends or cultivate meaningful relationships. She was never taught the dangers of love and lust. She learned those lessons the hard way. Unfortunately, her daughters had been witness to her lessons and the way she shied away from them. Her daughters paid for something that was not their fault and Katniss lived every moment from that day on regretting what she had done to her children. She needs to repay her debt and love another child…but Katniss cannot bring herself to get close enough to anyone to try.
As their position slowly changes, Katniss looks ahead to the bonfire, her eyes dancing over the flames and it brings her a sort of peace that she hasn’t felt in a long while. It’s Isra’s eyes that she feels over her skin, as if the queen is analyzing each of her scares. They are not pretty to look at, but they tell a story of the life Katniss lived.
She pauses her steps when Isra speaks. She can hear the hope that clings to the queen’s words. It’s a hope that she wants for herself. She wants to find purpose here. She wants to find love here. She wants to find motherhood again. But life is uncertain and she is unsure if any of those things will happen to her. But what choice did she have? She had to trust that if those things were meant to be, then they would be. “I hope to.” Her words are soft, almost hanging on edge. Her words drift off, as if the mare has not yet finished her thought. After a soft moment, Katniss knows that she has to trust her queen. She has to give Isra a reason to trust her. Withholding secrets was not the best way to start a relationship. “I have done many wrongs and I am eager to right those wrongs…to repay debts I’m not sure I can even afford.” She pauses a moment. “But I must try.” She has to try. What other choice does she have? She cannot let this regret eat her from the inside out. She must press onward and try to find purpose and meaning. She cannot give up.
@Isra
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