overdosed on confidence
I have never liked to leave home. Why should I, when home is like this?—
Clean. Luxurious. Not so difficult to enjoy, not incapable of pleasing even the most critical guess. There is no sound but Andras’ gritted breath, the clinking of crystal-clear ice cubes. The gentle rustle of palm fronds swaying, against one another and the carefully carved slabs of marble, which against all odds remain cool under the sun. Why should I leave home when the whole world here is inlaid with gold, where servants can wait on my hand at foot?
Only once has that privilege felt choking. Only once, and we don’t talk about it.
I swallow hard. For a moment, my attention wavers—my eyes drop from Andras’ and settle on the empty doorway behind him. In the arch of it, surrounded by palm fronds, I think I can almost imagine Adonai, as strong and tall as he used to be: he is staring at me with cold silver eyes, wearing the expression of smug disappointment that used to stick to him like a tattoo.
One of the snakes nips elegantly at the base of my ear. I flinch, blink, and Adonai is gone (as if he were ever there). My drink is empty. My mouth feels cold and awkward, still holding ice cubes, when I shake my head and can focus again despite the rattle in my teeth.
Andras looks at me like a science experiment. I don’t think I care. Better to be observed than ignored, especially at a time like this. His gaze follows a pattern as precise as any map: eyes, mouth, glass, eyes—and I make sure to smirk when it lands on my mouth, offering the faintest, most satisfied curl of the lips. Because I know it will anger him. Because I know it will kill him, just a little.
“Nothing surprises me.” Unselfconsciously, I spit a now-small spear of ice back into my empty cup. Sunlight shines bright as diamonds off the rim of glass. “Except you being nice, maybe. That would do it.” Half a dry smile rises to meet my face, but this time it is the result of real pleasure, real amusement—I am wound up, cagey with earnestness to see how he’ll respond.
This game is my favorite. Half-dream and half-prophecy.
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