ANDRAS vs ZAYIR
@Andras - Total: 93/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity: 28/30, Realism: 25/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity: 13/15, Realism: 14/15
WRITING: Creativity: 4/5, Realism: 4/5, Mechanics: 5/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 13, Health 10, Attack 10
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
@ZAYIR - Total: 80/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity: 20/30, Realism: 25/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity: 10/15, Realism: 14/15
WRITING: Creativity: 3/5, Realism: 3/5, Mechanics: 5/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 7, Attack 13
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
Closing Remarks: I didn’t have to actually read either of your summary’s to understand what was going on in the fight, and I really appreciate you both for that. I really enjoyed reading this fight, which I can’t always say about battles.
OFFENSIVE: Creativity: 28/30, Realism: 25/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity: 13/15, Realism: 14/15
WRITING: Creativity: 4/5, Realism: 4/5, Mechanics: 5/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 13, Health 10, Attack 10
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
- FIRST POST (intro)
- Just have to say that I love Andras, and I love the imagery you painted in this post. It got maybe choppy with a couple of word choices “one foot of a time”, “through the heavy road [red?] door” - but overall reads nicely and gives a feel for his character.
- SECOND POST
- Defensive: Ahh this was such a breath of fresh air. I love, love, love how much time you’ve spent on the defensive aspect of this post (even without using a block) — this tends to be one of the most neglected parts of battle posts, usually just skipped over in a line or two, and you really went for it. This might be my favorite part of the post. That being said I find it a pretty realistic response, and the fact that Andras’ instincts keep him from landing on the wing are a nice touch (although a part of me would have expected Zayir to be pulling the wing away from him/still holding on, so this part was a little difficult to play out in my head. But then again I’ve never seen two pegasi fighting so I also don’t have a precedence.)
- Offensive: I like that this attack was meant to be more distracting than harmful — it makes sense, given Andras needs a little bit of time to recover. Also not usually something I see in battles (it’s always kill, kill, kill), so a nice touch and bonus points for creativity.
- Mechanics: Nice use of repetition and imagery. Also enjoyed the speed of this post and the way you carried it through to the end — otherwise a clean read and nothing that really stuck out to me.
- Notes: Really like that you keep including the crowd in your posts — I find it brings so much more life and depth to battle posts.
- THIRD POST
- Defensive: Going to group this into offensive, see below.
- Offensive: I always appreciate when the character’s defensive and offensive parts of a post are combined — in such close contact it can be really hard to separate the two. I feel like Andras is just rolling with the punches here and acting/reacting very well to the battle, there’s nothing that’s really holding me back from saying “yep, that felt natural.” Also I love how the brutality of Andras ripping his neck away from Zayir’s teeth is carried into the force of his attack — really good word choice to keep that tone. Also, a horse literally body slamming another horse?? I can honestly say I have never read that in a battle post before and I love that, because at the same time while reading the post it didn’t seem unusual or out of place at all.
- Mechanics: Again I really like the imagery in this post, like I’m watching what is happening through Andras’ eyes. You used a few words a little repetitively (like neck, in the defensive part of his post) that detracted a little bit from the storytelling, but otherwise another really smooth post.
- Notes: Just a random thought I had while reading this post — I love Andras and how tense/angry he always is. And while reading him trying (and usually failing) to contain his emotions/remain calm is always fun, it’s been really nice to see him just let loose for once. I feel like this battle is just what he needed and perfect for his entire character. Also “the warden has no fear to spare for a desert soldier” really got me.
- FOURTH POST (closer)
- Short and sweet and to the point — I love that Andras just had to get the last word in there. Also I felt this was a really fitting end to their fight.
@ZAYIR - Total: 80/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity: 20/30, Realism: 25/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity: 10/15, Realism: 14/15
WRITING: Creativity: 3/5, Realism: 3/5, Mechanics: 5/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 7, Attack 13
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
- FIRST POST
- Defensive: N/A.
- Offensive: A practical move. I like that you threw the feint in there — it makes sense given his military background, and also gives an otherwise plain attack a little bit of a facelift. Being that Zayir is also a pegasus I can’t decide if going for the wing-joint is a cheap shot or practical, but either way I like it.
- Mechanics: Nothing that sticks out to me. A very clean read.
- Notes: Not much, I enjoyed reading his trip down memory lane, I might have liked to see more on his usual battle tactics/the difference between fighting on a battlefield versus an arena to help drive the mood home, but that’s only in retrospect and being more nitpicky than anything.
- SECOND POST
- Defensive: I would have like a little more body here (I’m not sure for one where Andras’ hoof came in — I’m assuming while he was rolling, but a little more description here would have helped it along.) That being said I still appreciate the fast-paced, primal feel of this and how Zayir is relying on his instincts.
- Offensive: Based on how practical his first attack was, the switch to instinctual/blind rushing feels rather abrupt? I was half expecting him to take to the skies and give himself time to recollect, or otherwise wipe the blood from his eyes. That being said I like the inclusion of his rear becoming intentional after he’s already raising in the air — it shows him thinking on his feet/going with the flow and making snap decisions, which I liked. Also using his height to his advantage is a nice touch.
- Mechanics: Really, really nice use of repetition in the beginning. The start/stop writing and abrupt sentences actually really help it along, there’s a really good balance here between statements and descriptions.
- Notes: “The pain is the first real thing he has felt, it seems, since emerging from the catacombs.” Probably the highlight of the entire post for me. I like how poignant this is, and how it gives a feel both for him as a fighter and for his history.
- THIRD POST
- Defensive: I love how you incorporated Zayir’s dodge here, he never really stopped or “stalled” but like a soldier, kept moving and didn’t give Andras a chance to throw him off (although I’m also really disappointed to not see a bodyslam play out, darn.) Also I really, really like that you didn’t just leave it as them standing in the stands and giving up, but that you included a referee to end the fight — I’m not sure how this would have ended otherwise with them going at each other the way they were, so this is a nice touch.
- Offensive: N/A.
- Mechanics: Lightening vs lightning. I’m not usually a huge fan of heavy start/stop sentences one after the other, but this actually ties in really nicely to Andras’ flash-bang attack and Zayir’s reaction to it.
- Notes: Again really appreciate the feel we get for Zayir’s bloodlust in your writing. “So he makes war on this other man’s body.” might be one of my favorite quotes.
Closing Remarks: I didn’t have to actually read either of your summary’s to understand what was going on in the fight, and I really appreciate you both for that. I really enjoyed reading this fight, which I can’t always say about battles.
