[P] dandelion wine for a year

[Nicnevin]

THE GREEN CANOPY'S NO SEA OR NET, BUT THAT'S ABSOLUTE --
confusion of thickets behind me; before me, open space.

I look at her little frown when she offers her most profound condolences about my homeland. For a moment, I wonder if I should be offended – but I’m not, really. I think that I understand what she means. This world is wondrous, and I want to go home, but not before I’ve seen all that it has to offer me.

(An impossible task, most likely, but I try not to think about that.)

“It’s not as terrible as it sounds, I assure you,” I say, smiling at her gently. “After all – I didn’t even know what I was missing. But I’m glad to be here, too.” It is impossible to long for the sky when you have no conception of it; not really. Not in the way that I long, on rare, panging occasion for the things and people that I have encountered in my other lives. I was inquisitive, in the past, but there was no depth to it, no nostalgia, no genuine love. “I’m not sure how I’ll feel when I have to go back,” I admit, after a moment’s hesitation.

Now that I have left my home, I’ve discovered that the world is wide and marvelous in ways that I could never have imagined. Dying has been tolerable, in the past, because I never really lost anything with it – not forever.

When I return home, I am not sure that I will ever be allowed to leave again.

She tells me a bit more about Caligo, who the Night Court supposedly "looks up" to. When she mentions it, I consider, briefly, mentions of a Vespera I've heard throughout Terrastella; perhaps she is a "deity," too.

“She controls the night? How fascinating,” I say, tilting my head at her inquisitively. It isn’t a question, exactly; I’m not even sure where to start with that. She – a single woman – controls the night? I can’t imagine it. At home, we did not believe that any natural force could be controlled, least of all in its entirety. (The only mages in my homeland were the priestesses, and all of their magic concerned the soul. I have learned enough to know that they have other mages here; I struggle with the concept.) "Do all of the courts have...deities?"

The girl expresses her certainty about her ancestors, and I smile my profound agreement. She asks me, then, about my past lives, with a sort of stumbling curiosity. My ears prick; I haven’t met many outsiders, but I thought it was rare for them to ask questions about such things.

I am more than happy to tell her about rebirth. (She might still be young enough to believe me.) “Some people keep their memories, and others don’t,” I say, looking up at the night sky thoughtfully. “Even if you do remember them, though, it usually takes a few months for them to readjust – and they aren’t quite like the memories that you experience in your current life. They’re…hazy, and sometimes very confusing. The priestesses in my homeland can help to call them into focus, and they can see if your soul is new or reborn, even if you don’t remember anything.” I pause, considering the best way to explain my own experience. “I remember most of mine, but some of them are more clear than others. I was born an equine, in my first life.” I think I was; the priestesses said that my soul was new, anyways, and they are rarely wrong about such things. “After that, I was a sword, and then an equine again. And, between that life and this one…” I consider the list, and then recite the ones I remember the most vividly. “I was a gust of wind, and a firefly, and a drop of morning dew, and a vine, and a leaf. Lots of things. And then I was-“ I pause again, stumbling over my words. “Now I am Nicnevin.”

I’m not sure how to explain the subtlest differentiation – that there has never quite been a me before, that all of those other lives contribute to the creation of me but don’t compose me entirely. I am myself. They are bits and pieces, unkempt parts; we are not the same.

I am myself.

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@Maeve || <3 || "the cliff," gregory orr

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