[P] you wanna hold a gun but they made you a pinup

[Hagar]

HAGAR  of house IESHAN

i am angry.
i have nothing to say about it.
i am not sorry for the cost.

I

know, the second the door opens and those eyes flash my way, Pilate would never have gone to the festival-- which is just as well, I think, because it means he is here, for me, exactly when I need him. He might have, at some point. A younger Pilate might have done it out of sheer boredom, but today's Pilate has grown up too much, too fast.

I wonder if this is why he's throwing this party.

 I know he'd never say it, even to me, but I wonder if it's because our house seems so empty, these days, even though it is terribly full. I blame Adonai. If he had not gotten sick, we would not all be so... like this. I believe this. I have to believe this.

--but, Pilate smiles at me, then, and I forget all of it. Of course, he is still my brother. Of course, he is my twin, my Pilate. He kisses my cheek and I smile back at him. "If that's all it is, I would have gone with you." I say, "Say the word and I will take you to any boring festival you want."

There is a knot in my throat, or my stomach, that won't come out. Sometimes I forget that it's there. Sometimes I am painting, or laughing, or bothering the servants and I feel all there, almost incandescent with being. 

It is just that, sometimes, like tonight, I can look at a lamp and see it is a lamp but no matter what I do I cannot quite convince myself that it is a lamp. Sometimes my head hurts with all the deciding: what is real? What is not? How can any of us know? I cross to Pilate's bed and sink onto it with a trembling smile. If our mother was here she would tell me to trust my instincts.

"What if my instincts are wrong?" I would ask her.
"They are not." she would say. It would answer no questions, solidify no great truths, but it would soothe me, anyway.

I blink, smoothing the fabric beneath me, laying the sheer silk of my robes over one side of my body so that it's not between me and the bed. "What were you doing?" I ask, and I am my bright self again, wishing for roses and spice and knowing exactly who I am. "It looks..." I casually glance around the room. "very exciting."

@Pilate