I should have been used to it by then, used to wanting so many things at once that I never reached out to claim any of them. Or, overwhelmed, I did exactly what I did not intend to do. I suddenly remembered that boy, Caspian, with deep, wild, beautiful eyes like the sea. I told him he smelled like fish.
It was wrong again, it was all wrong. Everything I tried to do, the opposite happened. Shoving Leonidas when I meant to be gentle. Wounding his pride when I was only sharing my good mood. Threatening with my horn when I meant to plead. But I did not regret taking the necklace off. I did not want to be seen wearing something stolen, but more importantly I felt ashamed for having ever liked it. For having ever put it around my neck, wore it with shy pride. It was just as good as a collar, a chain.
I thought I liked Leonidas. Actually, I was quite sure of it. But I did not like him enough to be someone I wasn’t. Someone who wore expensive trinkets and pretty things. Someone who wanted to be seen, and once seen admired or envied.
“Put it back on.” My nostrils flared- he took far too long to say please. Even for a wildling boy, it was not okay.
Not unlike the way he slipped from boy to man, I sometimes spoke like a girl, trembling and delicate as the first bloom of spring, and sometimes a woman fully grown. And other times still I spoke like something more. Like a unicorn with salt water in her blood. Like my mother’s magic as it worked to turn a blossom to something solid as diamond. This was one of those times; I stomped a hoof, then drew very still. “I will not.”
I would not let a boy tell me what to do, not even one who ran with me on ghost feet, not even a boy whose fate, I sensed even then, was entwined with mine for better or worse.
My volume and sharp tone drew curious looks from the other horses in line. I did not like drawing attention from strangers-- I cast a withering glare to anyone who dared meet my gaze, then I stepped closer to Leonidas and lowered my voice. “You will take me back to where you found this, and I will give it back.” As annoyed as I was, and angry, I recognized the thrill of excitement to be standing so close to him. He was warm, I could feel the heat in the sparse air between us. It was quite unbearable, the conflicting emotions running through me all electric. I did not know if I wanted to scream at him or kiss him. It was exhilarating, true, but mostly it was exhausting.
I wanted to be past that all and grown up already- I was sure then I would know what I was supposed to feel, and when I was supposed to feel it.
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