At home, the fields would be covered in snow. Many of the mares would be close to their due dates, round with foal and limping on legs like sticks. The stallions would be discussing plans for the kingdom. Jane had lived through 3 Avalonian winters, and none of them had been particularly comfortable. It had been near the end of Winter that she had finally left; the snow starting to melt beneath her hooves with every day that had passed. Life had slid like sleet behind her, and she had faced the Solterran summer.
Her ear tweaked, and she turned her head to see one of the former maids of her aunt’s and uncle’s. Her name was… Ampiphane. Jane tilted her head and called, so the mare turned her head. They were around the same age, and although their social rank was not breachable back then, there was an affinity spawned by their characters.
“My lady, how wonderful it is to see you here.”
“Don’t bother with those titles, I am no lady now,” Jane snorted and tipped her nose toward the other side of the table where she currently sat. “Drink with me, I’ll pay for you.”
“No, you don’t need to-”
“Of course! It’s only right, and for an old friend too.” The definition was a liberal one, considering she had only spent over two months in that house. But time moved strangely in Solterra, both faster and slower. “At least spend some time with me, before you do what you were planning.”
A slight reluctance slipped over the palomino filly, but she sat down before the table. Her ear twitched. Something appeared to be weighing on her mind, judging by the apparent desire to run. “Your mother has had a son!” came a sudden rush of words, and Jane paused in the middle of sipping her coffee.
“Please repeat yourself,” she said before the other could run.
“Word has reached us from Avalon that your mother has had a colt. Named Evox.” Regret and pain were knitted upon her brow. “Please don’t tell the mistress that I told you.”
Would Jane have ever learned otherwise? Regardless of her suspicions, she nodded at what the mare said. Finally, the other left to do duties, and Jane was left with her thoughts in the swirling, empty alleyway.
She paid for her coffee and stood, shaking a little bit. Without thinking, she began to walk, making her way along the main street with no direction in mind. Her mother and father had the colt that they had wanted. The prodigal son, the sacred child. No doubt he would be doted over, free from all sins that a female could commit. Not him, not an heir.
Jane was unwanted now. An extra limb to the Vogelstein family, and what more? No skills existed in her to give her meaning, and the money would soon run out, although she would never tell Veil that. There was no need to worry her. Jane slipped around the city, wraith-like. What would it matter to any of them, if she disappeared? If she died? What good did she cause anyone?
Pain stung her eyes and she blamed the dust, settled as it was in the winter weather. No snow reached her here, and rain was rare, but the dust had been weighed down against the cobblestones. She did nothing but slide her body around the different horses that came her way; the strange underbelly of folks who woke at this hour. The merchants, the carpenters, people of use to society. Not like her.
Finally, Jane found herself at the wall. She climbed up the stones until she was facing the desert. Miles of sand, an ocean of sand. Just as much an ocean as the Terminus Sea was, so far away.
“Freedom,” she sighed to herself, “How I hate the word.” She closed her eyes and wished for imprisonment, wished for servitude. She wished for the chapped hooves of labourers and people who knew crafts beyond that of idleness and making tea. Salvation was out there, she hoped, but what form could it possibly take to a mare who had not learned to see.
i've never felt more alone
it feels so scary getting old
