[AW] close the door, confess your sins

[Antiope]

i have a hunger deep within me i can't shake

I roll a shoulder and slow my predatory pace to something more leisurely, something more unhurried, less urgent, to allow the girl to join me. She speaks softly, in an almost reprimanded tone. I’ve spoken too harshly, it seems, and made her feel as though she’s done something wrong. My sapphire eyes pause on the other equine’s face with an almost questioning look, a concerned lift to my brow.

Her words, however, catch me more off guard than I am ready to admit. Even despite my recent stop at the temple on Veneror, I had hoped Caligo would stop following me everywhere I went. Foolishly I had hoped the demi-goddess would finally leave me alone. That, of course, could never be true. I had abandoned her people, and by extension the demi-goddess as well. If I know anything of the divine it is that they never let go.

“No,” I say, tempering my voice, “I am not here to worship.” I am not here to bend a knee, nor bow my head. I am tired of always being found beneath the deities in my life, even when I disregard their existence. I was made with god-blood and magic—I am practically a demi-goddess myself. I refuse to genuflect any longer.

The young woman continues to speak quietly, looking at the street beneath them as she does. Not the most confident, this one. The night has always been a place for those who are unaccustomed to the light. The night has always had a way of being whatever one needed it to be, regardless of their struggles. It appears that even after so long this has not changed.

When I next part my lips, it is not to say that Caligo would not want me; nor that I am not interested in singing her praises. I bite my untameable tongue and say instead, “I have other matters to attend to in the court.” It is a lie. Even as I say it, I cannot deny that it is. “If that was all…?” It comes out as a question, merely because I find it difficult that someone so timid would go around asking strangers to join her in merry prayer and devotional services.

In reality there is no reason for me to be here, really, except that I am trying to convince myself it is time to stop living among the wild things in the Arma and begin to live among the civilized once again. I have never been very good at being civilized, with my weapon and my magic and my eyes all made for war. I was built to kill, and I have always been very good at that. Killing enemies, killing gods, killing hope and light and love. I have no reason to be here, and a part of me is waiting for the court to chase me out for what I have done.

"Speaking."

∞ | @Thomasin