[Worship] church on the moon

[Antiope]

-- ♛ --

I

stop and stare at the stone columns, bathed in cold winter-moon light. There are no trees to block the ephemeral blue-white light, no clouds to thrust the world into complete darkness tonight. I am fighting the feralness inside of me, standing there on the path leading to the doors of the temple. I am transported to another time, another night, in the summer. The temple spills gold, hot light, and I am standing in front of Caligo’s effigy, wondering. I am not alone. I am wary, and burning, and tired—I am empty.

And then I am even further in the past, outside a very different temple. It is bathed in red light, and I am bathed in red, and there is a war drum beat in my heart. I am unleashing the lioness in my bones, and my axe is swinging, swinging, swinging. I leave the temple bathed in a different kind of red, when I walk away. I am always walking away from the things I’ve destroyed.

Temples are always finding me. The one I was made in, this one, the small, neglected one where I found Fylax. They refuse to let me forget the divinity in me, or perhaps they refuse to let me forget what I have done upon their altars. My teeth grind in my jaw as I walk up the graduated, well-worn path to the entrance. Why am I here?

Why-

I stop just inside. There is less light in here but it spills in between the columns and filters down through the dead ivy and moss that normally covers the structure. I am still not alone this time, although Fylax chooses to wait outside. I know they are giving me space. I wish the beast was not always in my head.

The interior of the temple itself has not changed since I last saw it. The offerings have changed, of course. Old, broken, rotten ones taken away and new ones given in their place. There are pillar candles of multiple sizes strewn about, though none are currently lit. I stare into the empty eyes of the four god’s statues like I am the trapped thing, wild and wanting to escape. For some reason I feel like I must do this, before I can return to the world. So I do it.

I remember thinking that Caligo should not to trust me the last I was here, and now I wonder if she ever did. If she did, I wonder if she regrets it. I stop at before her and realize that once again I have brought nothing to offer. I am not a worshipper, just a passerby. Just a tameless animal. Instead I grasp my axe and swing it around. With a whisper of its name, the blade comes to light. I tip the blazing hot corner of one of its dual blades down and light a candle.

Now it is just her and I, in the light of that one wan flickering flame. “I don’t pretend to know what you must think of me,” my voice is rough, almost hoarse, but I do not clear my throat, “but I imagine that you know what has become of me, since my dethroning.” Somehow I am still desperately waiting for her to speak, for stars to come to light in her eyes even though I am certain they will not. I did not get the answers I had sought during my last visit, either.

“Do you think I should have fought to keep it?”

It is a thought that I cannot help but have had more than once. Had I given up too easily? In trying to do right by my people, had I disappointed them instead? If they had still needed me, then I had certainly let them down. I have to remind myself that they are my people no longer. I am but a wraith in the mountains, a history lesson; nothing more.

My eyes darken as a chill wind blows through the temple, reaching around the columns and digging its nails deep into my skin. I stand still before the night demi-goddess, no longer looking at her but through her. There is a strange look on my face, like a wicked half-smile. “I am no better than a monster, than a killer. I am no better than those I have killed,” and I know, somehow, that Caligo knows what I am talking about. She must, otherwise what is the point? “I knew that you could not trust me,” I cannot help the choking laugh that escapes me.

over the glowing hill
i will conquer

"Speaking." | oop, what is this? would be a shame if... someone decided to join her...

∞