RAYMOND vs PAVETTA
@Raymond - Total: 79/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 25/30, Realism: 18/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 13/15, Realism 10/15
WRITING: Creativity 5/5, Realism 4/5, Mechanics 4/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 8, Attack 12
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
@PAVETTA - Total: 69/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 18/30, Realism: 23/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 11/15, Realism 6/15
WRITING: Creativity 4/5, Realism 3/5, Mechanics 4/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 7, Attack 13
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
CLOSING REMARKS: Overall a very smooth read. Nothing further to say really than what I wrote in the comments on each post. Glad to see a healer not afraid to get her hooves dirty ;)
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 25/30, Realism: 18/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 13/15, Realism 10/15
WRITING: Creativity 5/5, Realism 4/5, Mechanics 4/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 8, Attack 12
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
- FIRST POST (intro)
- battlefiled (battlefield*), late-summer (late summer*)
- SECOND POST
- Defensive: I love how you took Pavetta’s attack. It’s very rare to see just *one* hoof connect with its target, even though I’m sure that happens all the time in reality! (My caution here is to watch how you word things so it doesn’t seem like you’re power playing.)
- Offensive: I would be disappointed if you DIDN’T use Raymond’s tail in an attack, and the use of it here when Pavetta is moving away from him is well done. Also liked that you pointed out he’s using the sharp edge, rather than the flat side as in his previous battle.
- Mechanics: A little bit of awkward wording where your sentences just got a little heavy.
- Notes: Enjoying the observation of Raymond and Pavetta’s build/talent against each other. Also loved the little sass with the woodcarving comment.
- THIRD POST
- Defensive: (block) Definitely a different defense, but I like the reasoning behind it. That being said, I don’t feel like it is very realistic to have Raymond jump forward *and* be able to pivot his hind end away from Pavetta. I think for him to achieve this he would need more time than allowed by an imminent attack.
- Offensive: I like that you address the bad angle for your attack. The way I’m picturing them placed in my head it would seem very difficult for him to reach her left side with his tail (especially since he is passing turning on her right side).
- Mechanics: momentup (momentum*)
- Notes: It’s great how he really thinks like a warrior! Lots of evaluating in such a short time.
- FOURTH POST (closing, doesn’t count)
- Some awkward wording. Also lol at the “leaking” comment!
@PAVETTA - Total: 69/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 18/30, Realism: 23/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 11/15, Realism 6/15
WRITING: Creativity 4/5, Realism 3/5, Mechanics 4/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 7, Attack 13
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
- FIRST POST
- Offensive: I like that she really flung herself into the fight, and the way that she changes her mind when she realizes the danger of Raymond’s tail. (Yikes!) The attack itself isn’t wildly unique but the thought process behind it added a little something extra.
- Mechanics: festivals was (were*), “on the Steppes of battle” —??, head arched and lowered (neck arched and head lowered*)
- Notes: I didn’t really get a sense of “euphoria” throughout the post until you said it at the end.
- SECOND POST
- Defensive: I’m having trouble seeing how well she can shy away, considering when his attack comes her legs are presumably still up in the air, or at least on their way down. I think I might have written it just a bit differently, namely describing a little more the transition from offense to defense. Though I like the idea of blood spatter on her muzzle, it doesn’t make sense with the angle of Raymond’s attack, as his blade would be moving away from her head. This definitely threw me off. I also do not understand how she has received a cut “deep and true” and yet she runs away from him delighted and, honestly, acting rather unharmed.
- Offensive: I like the attack on the whole, but I feel like you missed the opportunity to use the sand/blood spraying as a way to blind him. You say it sprayed but there is no intention there. Also, you say “I have a blade to wield” then it’s her hooves intending to “bruise, batter, crush.” I like all the wording, it just doesn’t really go together.
- Mechanics: Would have said “sprayed” rather than “spewing”
- Notes:
- THIRD POST
- Defensive: (block) I’m just a little confused on how she caught his blade. I’m guessing she angled her horn so the blade and horn met each other, though I would have pictured the placement being more of his tail itself being the part to meet her horn. Also not very logical of a defense *because* of how much danger it would pose to her face.
- Mechanics: avoid (avoiding*)
- Notes: I like the banter as they introduce themselves!
CLOSING REMARKS: Overall a very smooth read. Nothing further to say really than what I wrote in the comments on each post. Glad to see a healer not afraid to get her hooves dirty ;)
