ASTERION vs RAYMOND
@ASTERION - Total: 77/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 20/30, Realism: 22/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 12/15, Realism 12/15
WRITING: Creativity 4/5, Realism 4/5, Mechanics 3/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 23, Health 10, Attack 10
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
@Raymond - Total: 82/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 26/30, Realism: 22/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 11/15, Realism 12/15
WRITING: Creativity 4/5, Realism 4/5, Mechanics 3/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 8, Attack 12
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 20/30, Realism: 22/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 12/15, Realism 12/15
WRITING: Creativity 4/5, Realism 4/5, Mechanics 3/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 23, Health 10, Attack 10
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
- FIRST POST (intro)
- I love this intro post, and how it really gives me a feel for Asterion; not just how he is now, but how he has aged, and his remembering characters from past lives and past worlds and how he’s met them again here, the same people but very different than who they used to be. It’s the perfect sort of melancholic if you ask me. I would have liked to see a little more description on the setting, but the bit about the fly made me chuckle a bit and helped me get into the scene.
- SECOND POST
- Defensive: Poor Asterion, he was set up just as Ray wanted him to lol, overall despite this not being a true block, it was a very realistic reaction.
- Offensive: Again, a realistic attack and one that makes sense, especially if Ray is hoping to attack his hind legs. I like that he stays in place after the kick instead of running off, it plays true to his being worried about gopher holes or putting too much weight on his bleeding leg!
- Mechanics: “shifting from movement to movement” reads strangely; it may be stylistic, but it doesn’t give much of an idea as to what is actually going on. A few misplaced words, like “they” when you meant “the”, or the “he would be glad of”, but they’re few and far between!
- Notes: I’m not entirely sure what story Asterion is remembering, seeing as Raymond never actually spoke, so some clarification there would have been nice! Otherwise, I really like how well Asterion remained in character, and how his mood carried over into this post as well.
- THIRD POST
- Defensive: “Asterion squeals like a petulant boy being spanked” I love this so much, you have no idea. Also a realistic move, though I’m not sure how well he would have been able to see the tail coming if his back was turned? Your writing certainly dressed up a fairly plain dodge though, I really enjoyed reading this.
- Offensive: I love the way he starts analyzing his attack, trying to find the best place to charge and the best way to do it. You can tell that he’s still learning, but is making an honest effort and I love it.
- Mechanics: A few more minor typos, such as “it” instead of “is”, that a proofread may have caught (who am I to speak, I never proofread lol). A few switching tenses between sentences, or within sentences, that caught me off guard, but otherwise a well-written post.
- Notes: All 3 posts you stayed true to Asterion’s nature and mood; the third one saw him shift a bit more from melancholic to studious, which I appreciated, but I appreciate how consistently you wrote him through this battle!
@Raymond - Total: 82/100
OFFENSIVE: Creativity 26/30, Realism: 22/25
DEFENSIVE: Creativity 11/15, Realism 12/15
WRITING: Creativity 4/5, Realism 4/5, Mechanics 3/5
BEGINNING STATS: Exp 10, Health 8, Attack 12
Creativity: originality, imagination, and attention to detail.
Realism: mechanics and whether you accurately reflect your health and attack
Overall writing: creativity, realism, and writing mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.)
- FIRST POST
- Defensive: N/A
- Offensive: I like that you included the sun’s position, and how Ray tried to work that to his advantage; it definitely gives a bit of a facelift to an otherwise plain attack in my opinion! I am confused as to whether Ray actually plans to strike him with his hoof? The lower leg seems a pretty fragile area for a friend to try attacking, but if his motive is simply to get Asterion to shuffle a bit it would take away from his careful positioning.
- Mechanics: You’ve switched between present and past tense a bit, but it was nothing too distracting. In the first paragraph describing his attack/charge, your sentences became rather long and confusing, I think it may have been easier to read had you broken it up a bit!
- Notes: I like how you reflected Asterion’s original post; Raymond is far less melancholic, but it provides a nice balance and insight into his character! I also really appreciated that you added how Ray hoped Asterion would respond to the attack; it gives me a better idea of what he’s actually trying to do and shows he has a plan.
- SECOND POST
- Defensive: I like how well you described Ray taking the hit, both its positioning and how it feels, as well as the tightness he’s sure to feel in the coming days.
- Offensive: I love that you included Ray’s blade, whenever a horse has a natural weapon like this I prefer to see it used rather than forgotten. At the same time, it makes total sense for him to turn the blade so that he strikes with the flat side, rather than the edge; it stays true to the intention of the battle, and it’s creative to boot!
- Mechanics: I won’t lie, the first paragraph threw me off and didn’t seem to fit in overall. Another leading sentence or a transition would have been useful here, as it seemed a little OOC.
- Notes: I like that you play into the teacher role for Ray; the quips about the syllabus and the tactical assessments brought him to life remarkably.
- THIRD POST
- Defensive: I like how seasoned he is here, like a well-oiled machine that knows exactly how to avoid Asterion’s novice attack. The turn is simple, but definitely stays true to Raymond, and you play it off like a true warrior who’s teaching a younger soldier. I love it.
- Offensive: Not much offensive since you’re out of attacks, but the way Raymond watches him and calculates Asterion’s next attack is really nice to read.
- Mechanics: Again some rather long sentences that might have been better reworded to read easier, but maybe I have a short attention span.
- Notes: This last post felt harder to read, and a little less cohesive than your other posts; nonetheless, I appreciated that Raymond kept up his teacher-mode, and all those small quips were appreciated. c;
