andras
i am angry.
i have nothing to say about it.
i am not sorry for the cost.
L
“Good morning, Andras. It’s been a while.“ Andras looks at him like he’s searching. He wants to say, I’m sorry. He wants to ask more: are you okay? Am I okay? Is the fact that we seem to be the only haunted men in this lonely country a curse or a blessing? Does it mean that we’re doomed, or that Delumine is better for it? Both? Neither?
What he does say is: “It has. Probably too long.” It comes out like a sigh, like a release after holding his breath for too long. He buzzes away in the silence that is never really silence near Andras. It is still so much quieter today, than he's used to.
When Ipomoea turns to look at him his eyes are wet, and cold, like the heavy snow he shakes off of each leaf in his garden. Andras is suddenly very tired. He does not have to look closely to see the dark circles under his eyes, or the shoulders that just barely sag under the weight of his duty, or the tired strain of his smile. He would find it even if it were not there. He could not bear the thought that he was alone in his suffering.
He never knew how to be soft.
But he wonders if he will ever be right, again, or if this will continue, the endless cycle of boredom and fear that spreads over his undercurrent of anger, or if he will feel torn in two for the rest of his life.
He liked it better, when he was just angry.
I've been alright, the king says, and smiles like a shield. Andra looks at him through the lens of his glasses and turns away, looking over the soft green lawn of the garden, over his winter plants and the few that should not still be growing, but persist nonetheless. He tries not to grimace. He does not try hard enough.
"I'm--" bored? Angry that I'm bored? Tortured day and night by a Solterran with snakes for hair? Afraid that I'm going completely insane? Far more afraid that I'm afraid of anything at all? "--you know. Cold. Tired. The usual."
He fidgets under the king's gaze, unfolding then refolding the wings over his back.
"Are you actually fine?"
they made you into a weapon
and told you to find peace.
