jane
The sight of the other mare made Jane taste bitterness. Everything was so bitter, so- so ruined. Jane could feel the tender sense of panic in her breast as Veil held her close. Jane knew how much emotion was there, but how could she access it? It lay behind the acidic taste of regret, something that had been cultivated in Jane ever since she left. She did all the things she was supposed to, she was the housewife and the companion and she did her duty in serving the queen but what else was she? A gossip mill, a finished story for her family. Her husband was a sad old noble with no chance of offspring, and everyone knew it. Jane would never be a mother.
Veil seemed to be good? Jane hoped so, it was the least she could ask for after everything that had happened. She deserved that. Veil had always been so good and kind and sweet and- and-
She was so much better than Jane deserved. She was so much better than Jane, period. And the knowledge of that made Jane want to pull away, to run back onto that ship and disappear. But she could not- the truth was that Jane felt intense fear at the sight of her old friend- old friend, as though they had not nearly been sisters, as though they were not family.
“You’re talking now,” Jane whispered. She could not bear for Veil to see her cry, instead biting the back of her tongue where it wouldn\t be noticed. It was at least partially successful in driving down the heat from her face and from her eyes. Jane had shouldered all her feelings when they had been together, and for her to fall to pieces now would be the real kick in the ass that she needed. “I’m sorry- I mean-” I’m sorry. For everything. Jane felt the words like millstones around her dark neck.
I’m glad things are working out for you.
Cruel laughter settled itself deep in Jane’s chest, and she found herself having to speak around it. “Thank you. I’m very happy.” The urge to laugh only increased as she heard those words. What good was it, anyway? What right had she to be happy, after all she had done.
Veil seems to pause at Jane’s words, frozen in place. The pink eyes search for an answer, as if she too is dealing with all the uncertainty. Jane watched her search until she finally found something to say and seized it.
“Torielle… It's good you're with someone.” Jane followed Veil’s gaze to where a mare was making conversation with a stallion. She had an amount of jewellery held by a pair of impressive white antlers. Jane turned her attention back to Veil, and bit the inside of her cheek. Fairly nomadic, Veil said. Jane was not an idiot.
“I tried to send money back to you, I thought-” her voice caught and she pulled her head up, looking away. “My life is very different. I stay at court most of the time and talk to the other wives about what the queen is wearing or who’s having an affair- very important matters, clearly.” Jane laughed so low it was almost a whisper. “But my husband- Isaar. He’s back here as a diplomat, and as an academic so he can write about the Novans and report back. I imagine it’ll be a number of years that I’m back here- it takes a long time to understand a people…”
Her voice trailed off as she looked once again at Veil. Of course, the celestial being knew everything about the problems of understanding a society. Jane knew them as well, knew their sickening constraints and bindings and how awful it was to not know. Isaar, on the other hand, seemed to embrace it. He had been at ease since they’d reached Novus, had made haste in going to talk to the ‘locals’ of Novus. Jane wanted to roll her eyes at the thought.
“Would you like to get something to drink? Coffee? I'll pay.” Jane pulled her voice under control.
@[Veil Nebula] / speaks this actually hurt a little!
