The stars are alive, child! Did you know that? Everything out there is alive, and there are grand purpose abroad!
creeping moss, and hard stone walls. It had taken her months to be able to navigate the winding corridors, the echoes had confused her. The voices that bounced around the walls, the click-clack of hooves on worn cobblestones. But now, two seasons later, Luvena walked the halls with ease. Now she knew that the bustling hooves and stone whispers came from the storage areas and kitchens, where the acolytes bustled around, tending to the building. The hallways void of any sound but her own hooves against the rock meant she had wandered to the monastery, where the monks came to worship their goddess. Caligo. She had learned while she was here... about the first- the gods. She hadn't known much of them before, stubbornly she had refused to learn. Unwilling to let go of her attachments to Elysium. She understood them now.
So she walked the corridors with purpose now, greeting some of the familiar healers and acolytes as she did. She had come to know some of them well in her time here. She didn't stop to talk to them for long though. She was looking for someone more important.
She shivered slightly as a cool breeze made its way through the cracked walls. The mountains were cooler than the lands of dusk, but not unbearably so. At least not this time of year. Her time with the night order had been good for her. Of course, her ribs still showed from her sides, and her coat was still lackluster. That was okay, she knew she would never be normal, she'd had her shot... and that... hadn't bee normal anyway. But, there was a shine to her eyes now, slight, but those who had seen them before would notice the difference. Her legs didn't shake when she walked. She knew it would only last so long, but it would be nice while it did. Afterall, she'd been on deaths doorstep a few months prior. It wasn't the first time, but it was scarier... the first time she was ready, even though in the end, she didn't need to be... this time she wasn't.
So she walked the corridors on blood-red hooves, on legs that didn't wobble, her cream tail trailing behind her. Sweeping the already dust-free floors. Taking in the silence of the monastery wing. Even the wind seemed to silence itself here. The birds sang no songs, and the wolves howled no laments. She wondered if that was Caligos doing. That solemn silence. Some spell, or blessing, cast over the temple, the same way the shadows had been cast over its disciples.
There was a joy to being in the mountains. So close to the stars, the sky. The air was cool and fresh. she thought she'd never get to feel it, that closeness. Years ago, a stranger, a saccharine stranger, had promised her a trip up the lunar mountains. What a load of shit (it appeared the habits of the older monks foul mouths had rubbed off on her). She never saw Ozy again. The closest she had ever gotten to those mountains was when she was gasping for air through the smoke in her lungs while lying in the foothills. She wondered now if it was a coincidence. If he had left, like so many others, without a word. Or if all the disappearances.... the souls gone without a trace, were the start of it, of the fall. Afterall... it was only a year later that the beach was devoured. But now, she stood in a temple in the mountains, and it was more then she could have dreamed.
So she walked the corridors, waltzed them, with dainty steps, and head held high. She stopped for a moment to watch the young monks, those in training, tussle with each other when they thought no one was looking. It reminded her of her children when they were little. Eremurus always wanted to roughhouse with Liatris, and reluctantly, he had always given in. She wondered how many scrapes and bruises she would treat and bandage come the evening. when the white light, turned to gold. Coming through the holes in the ceiling, peppering the floor with flecks of sunlight. How many blood stains the acolytes would scrub from the cobblestone to no avail.
She was finally snapped away from her thoughts by the sound of hoofbeats behind her. She turned around and smiled at the familiar figure. Just who she'd been looking for. "Tenebrae" she greeted with a smile. Her voice as soft and as gentle as ever. One thing that would never change was that voice. She demanded to be listened to, not just to be heard. "I was just on my way to see you! I'm glad you found me first." she approached from the other end of the hallway. "How are you?"
let everything happen to you, beauty and terror, just keep going, no feeling is final
The air is cool within the rooms of the keep. Winter wanders her fingers along the stone walls, fingertips rubbing raw, frost left her wake. All across the monastery his brothers light merry fires to stave off the chill of the coming season.
As Tenebrae walks he feels the cold sinking through his shadows, pressing upon his skin, reaching deep for his bones. Already fatigue has claimed his muscles, making them stiff and sore. He had trained harder, more desperately in the last few weeks. But guilt dogs him, settles with his shadows in the corners of his silvered gaze. It is in the stiff line of his back, the scars of new whip marks across his spine. He had avoided the infirmary, keen to stop the potential for any questions.
His shadows lie thick as cloth across his spine. Beneath their cool touch the hot, worried skin of his whip-wounds feel more bearable. Despite their deep bite, Tenebrae moves as if he has not trained for hours or chastigated himself within the confines of the sacred temple. Damp still clings to his skin from his shower. He noted how the water sluiced red from his skin and swept away into the drain. If only he could wash away his sins so easily.
Anxiety darkens the lines of his face, marks him tortured, fracturing like his soul and his heart. He is sure they will one day find him, broken into pieces, swept across the sea. The sea comes to him in his dreams. It drowns him in Boudika’s gaze. In the day he is reminded of Elena as the sun pours down through the boughs of the wood. Yet his nights, his living are torture and sin. To love is punishment enough, to love two is catastrophe. Only now does he see what a fool he has been.
Tenebrae walks the halls a lesser and ailing man. Yet when he turns the last and sees Luvena at the end, his eyes fall upon her smile, trickle upon the joy that gleams upon their soft skin. The sight of her banishes the sorrow and guilt that darkened his face. “Lu,” the monk murmurs as he reaches her. His lips tip into a smile as his muzzle reaches, pressing gently into the curve of her neck. The heat of her skin is warm and welcome, the scent of herbs and medicines cling to her with incense from the temples. “I told you not to work too long in the infirmary.” He laughs low like whiskey. A smile licks like flames along his mouth as he draws away looking to her.
Tendrils of shadows dance in the dappled light that bathes across her skin. “I am well,” He lies. It comes easily, soft like a sigh. It is agony to feel how well he lies. He wants to breathe, no, i am not well, and fall at her feet, his knees bruising upon the floor as he repents his sins into her breast. He does not. He stands and smiles and feels how his darkness blooms like blood along his bruised heart and soul.
“Tell me,” He breathes deftly turning the focus from him, as if he does not ail. “Are you well? What can I do for you?” His eyes trail over the light that falls upon her face, the delicate gleam in her eyes. Give me some of your light, Luvena. I beg.
But he smiles and makes himself forget how terribly he has broken his oaths.
The stars are alive, child! Did you know that? Everything out there is alive, and there are grand purpose abroad!
She spent most of her days in the infirmary. There was always something to do, between the brothers and their apprentices someone always had some cuts and scrapes to patch up. It was mundane work, cleaning wounds, but she enjoyed it none the less. She liked having a job. Hadn't realized how much she'd missed it. It had been a long time. After she'd been driven out of the woods, off her royal seat she hadn't had much purpose. On the rare occasion, the infirmary was empty she would leave the temple and walk around the grounds. She didn't go far, slightly fearful of the rough mountain terrain.
"You know how busy the boys keep us" she retorted with a laugh. She returned the greeting, pressing her muzzle gently to the man's shoulder, flinching slightly as the cool touch of his shadowy tendrils curled around her nose. No matter how many times she saw him, the cold that came from him still surprised her. They had scared her at first, they reminded her of the black shrouds she saw in her nightmares, but she had come to learn that they were simply a part of him, just as stars had once been part of her. The smell of old blood hit her and she pulled away wrinkling her nose. "It seems you will too. Have you had those looked at?" she asked, looking at him pointedly, knowing he probably hadn't. Picoro was silent as she greeted him. From the feisty sloth, that was considered a warm welcome.
She cocked her head as he spoke. He sounded so sure of himself, and poised as always - he was a man constantly ready for battle. dignified and proud - yet something about him seemed... off. nevertheless, this conversation did have a point. "I am better then I have been in years thanks to you" she reassured. "but" she paused "I... cannot stay here forever. I left the dusk court without a word... I didn't tell any of the medics, not even Elena... I don't know what they must think of me"
let everything happen to you, beauty and terror, just keep going, no feeling is final
Tenebrae had watched her in the hospital, marvelling at the way she tended to her patients. Her every gesture and act had been full of care. His brothers sang her praises. Luvena has so easily fitted in to life within the walls of the Order’s keep. Yet all things must come to an end. He felt it, as winter’s touch crept in, so too did the tide of change. Luvena was warmer than the winter. It was there in the lovely dark of her eyes. It was a warmth he rarely saw. Luvena brought something different to the community of brothers and Tenebrae longs to cling to it, to her. Yet he knows he cannot.
She smiles and oh how he wishes to sink into it. Her laughter breathes life along the dark walls of the keep. The dark of her body is like a wild wood he longs to walk through. He knows what she will say before she does and he wants to answer ‘Don’t go, or, take me with you. But he doesn’t. Luvena has thrived here and he has failed. They are made for different things, yet here they are, their paths crossed, deeply intertwined.
Her laughter is beautiful respite. It whispers along his ears in sweet relief. He closes his eyes, relishing her, relishing this moment of quiet. “They are.” He murmurs, with a growing, teasing smile, as if there are not great sins bearing down upon his wretched spine. Shadows reach for her and he does not draw them back. They press gently, curiously, sadly into the sharper points of her slim, elegant body. She has thrived here, but she is still thin. Tenebrae let’s his eyes wander over her. “There is nothing the young monks enjoy than time in the infirmary causing bother. They say if you do not spend half your time in there then you are not devoted enough to Caligo.” Tenebrae spent half his time there and more and yet here he is, his oath to her broken, his body belonging to Caligo no longer. He wonders who it belongs to now, it has never felt like his own.
Luvena’s laugh has faded and he longs for her to laugh again. She moves her attention to his whip marks. If she sees the way he flinches, it is only momentary for he hides his surprise, his guilt behind a small smile and wandering eyes. Tenebrae might have recovered, he might have been able to fully hide his damning emotions, but for when Luvena mentions Elena. Yes, he knew she was going to mention her return, he knew Elena worked as a medic, he had sought out her services in Terrastella, been told to leave and never return. But so much was passed and he was going to break her heart again. And his own, he knows, but he does not know how much.
“I have not.” Tenebrae says of his scars and offers Luvena the smallest smile. “But they will heal.” And remind me, their pain reminds me. Do not take the pain from me Luvena, lest I forget how much wrong I have committed.
“You have been so welcome here.” Tenebrae says and steps close to Luvena. His muzzle brushes against her neck. He drinks in the smell of her, herbs of healing, wild, wicked twilight. “We will miss you. I will miss you. I am glad our paths crossed and you came to stay with us.” Terrastella still clings to her, twilight pressing along her skin. He knows the smell, has tasted it upon Elena’s skin so many times before. It haunts his dreams, he loves Luvena for it. “We cannot keep you forever. - though we may like to. Elena will think no less of you for it. They will be more delighted to see you return.”
“When do you plan to leave?” The Disciple asks and at last his voice betrays him. At last sadness creeps along the words, singing its plaintive song into the shell of Luvena’s ear. Don’t go. It hums in opposition. Take me with you.
The stars are alive, child! Did you know that? Everything out there is alive, and there are grand purpose abroad!
She had wondered, at times during her stay, what her life would look like if she stayed within the temple. She had been holding on to lost memories for so long, basking i their glory, luring herself at once into false happiness, and a constant desire to go back. Living in Dusk, in the swamp, the hospital was only feeding into that. The tangled mangrove was the closest thing to the woods there was in Novus. The dim ember of sunlight that cast its looming shadows down on the court reminescent of the way the light had dappled through the outskirts of the Eternal woods. But here, on the mountains. It was different, she had finally been able to take a few months to live in the present. and she had enjoyed it. But, could she keep that. She hadn't thought of her children in nearly a month, something she nearly felt guilty about... but at the same time, it was a weight lifted off her shoulders.
She needed time to think, breathe.... at least say goodbye to Elena if she decided to leave dusk... For what felt like the millionth time since coming to Novus, Luvena's mind was a storm of what if's. Doubt, and guilt spiraling throughout.... but this time she could see the eye of the storm, and in it she wondered if there was hope.
She snorted softly in response. "That's what they tell each other." she replied "But catch them alone in there for once and they soften right up. Everyone needs to be cared for sometimes, even those who have sworn their very lives to Caligo" She had yearned for that care after she had sworn herself to Acrux. She missed her role sometimes, but it had also been one of the loneliest times of her life. With only Oberon by her side, both of them having been pushed together.
Luvena didn't miss the brief flicker of emotion through the man's deep eyes as she mentioned Elena. She couldn't tell what emotions had stirred up, but they were certainly there, and she wondered how the two knew each other. What shadows they had cast upon each other's pelts to cause such fleeting moments of turmoil.
"They will get infected and fester if you don't let someone treat them" her words were stern. "They say if you do not spend half your time in there then you are not devoted enough to Caligo" she parroted the words back at him in a nearly mocking tone.
She welcomed the cool touch of shadows this time. "Me too" she murmured. "This is the first place where I haven't spent days pondering everything in the past..." She could hear the sadness that lurked between his words. "soon..." she replied. "Some day when the ice has thawed enough on the trails. " she hesitated for a moment "I'll need someone to help me down..." she dropped her gaze slightly. It wasn't often she asked for help, usually too stubborn. But, she wasn't a fool, she knew better than to try and pick her way down the mountain alone in the middle of winter.
"I'll visit" she reassured with a smile. "Next time I'm at deaths doorstep, I'll plop myself in the foothills again and wait for someone to bring me up. Give me an excuse to stay a while"
let everything happen to you, beauty and terror, just keep going, no feeling is final
Tenebrae drinks in the soft hues of the girl before him. The warmth of her smile does more than just heat her face and his heart. It warms the very air around them and as the autumnal chill settles itself into the harsher trials of winter, Tenebrae knows he will miss Luvena even more. So he relishes her smile, her gentle mocking. He takes it as if it were a gift that he would open and be reminded of, day in, day out.
He laughs low, “you managed them well. Young men with only fighting on their minds are… challenging. I am not surprised you feel that now is the time to go.” His lips curl themselves into a small, playful grin.
It does not last long, that smile. It slips from his lips as Luvena mentions his goddess and caring. “You are right.” He lies, for the monk has become so terribly good at lying (to his most grievous shame). Tenebrae agrees with her, he does, but not for himself. He does not know if he is worthy any longer, not since he trampled his vows like dust into the ground. Is he worthy of anything at all anymore?
Luvena may not be an empath like Elena, yet just like Boudika she sees a glint within his gaze. She knows something is strange, hidden within him. But the healer lets it pass, drifting away upon the river of his regret. He is grateful she does not ask, one day he might tell her all the ways his is an awful monk. By the gods he wishes he could now. But he knows what is to come and the truth will out then. Shame blooms tangled and knotted as weeds in his belly when he wonders what Luvena might think of him then.
“There is a peace here.” He says gently, thinking of how her past has clung to her, never letting her forget. What has become a place of respite for her, is a place so full of anguish for Tenebrae. “I will guide you from the mountains. Do you have everything you need? It is a long journey to travel alone.”
Swiftly the Disciple dismisses her last comment, “No!” Then laughs low, “I prefer you to visit when you are well. No more dalliances with death in the snow, Luvena. You can have a bed here that is not in the infirmary. Just send word, and i will meet you the next time.”
The stars are alive, child! Did you know that? Everything out there is alive, and there are grand purpose abroad!
She felt a sort of guilt leaving now. Tenebrae was a stoic man, and though he was guarded, she could tell that there was something unsettling him. It wasn’t her place to ask, but she so wished he would say something. “Give me an excuse to stay” she thought. But without one, it was time for her to go. Back to dusk. Back to the memories.
She chuckled “Takes more than a few rowdy boys to wear me down” she retorted playfully, though sadness touched her eyes for a brief moment, as she remembered her own boys. How restless they had been, having to stay near her and cavalier, when at the time, neither of them were fit to go anywhere. Cavalier at that point both mute and deaf, and her barely clinging on to life. She shook the thought away. They had no place plaguing her here. Not yet.
“Hmm” she hummed doubtfully. He was a proud man if nothing else.
“Not yet.” she replied softly. “I’ll be ready by the time the sun reaches its peak. And” she paused for a minute “I’m dressing those wounds before we go. I’ll not have you succumbing to infection halfway down the mountain and stranding me there” She turned to make her way back to the infirmary, to gather her things, and grab Picoro. “Very well!” she called over her shoulder as she turned the corner. Readying herself to leave the temples at last
let everything happen to you, beauty and terror, just keep going, no feeling is final
Give me an excuse to stay.
If Tenebrae had known the way that hope burned through her, he might have been tempted. Might have. Yet Tenebrae knows that it is not he who should give her an excuse. The realisation was for Luvena, alone, to come to. Though he knows this, the bittersweet ache in his chest would rise and lay words upon his tongue, it would count for her a thousand reasons to stay.
But Luvena never asks, the words sealed within her chest. They do not even rise to lay, unspoken, upon her tongue.
He laughs with her and feels the secret light that gleams from her dark body. The Order’s shadows succumb to her presence. Luvena is a ray of starlight amidst the Order’s endless night. She will be missed as surely as a flower pines for the sun.
Luvena turns to go, slipping through the dark hall as silent as a ship through a midnight sea. Her threat to tend his wounds as her final act upon leaving hangs in the air. Tenebrae’s smile slowly fades. He will not let her. He needs the ache, the burn. They remind him of his great misdeeds and twinge as he turns, fading into darkness, retreating back towards the temple. His penance is not yet over.
