“All the better for me” she nodded along. She knew it wasn’t for her benefit, but she did enjoy the lack of flames within the cafe. A break from the torches and candles that were always burning within the court. She thought maybe she’d come here for the next autumn fire festival, tuck herself away in the tea shop for the night perhaps.
The sudden shift in Caelum's voice terrified Luvena, and her ears tilted back just a touch. “Just once, and it was a year ago!” she scrambled to justify her actions. “And I only went alone because the girls and Picoro had already gone to sleep for the night” oh good gods she shouldn’t have said that. “And I came straight back down, and at least I went when I felt well unlike the portals where I was running a fever last winter and-” she clamped her mouth shut. She was making this worse with every word. Caelum was staring her down with the fires of a thousand suns. Her tone reminded her of her mothers when she was younger. If her father was upset it was usually fixed with a quick reminder of her affection. If her mother was upset… well, that usually took more to mend. She knew the power of a royal we all too well.
She didn't question the jolt as Caelum moved the pendant from her chest. She was in no position to question her right now.
She touched her nose gingerly to the mares shoulder. It broke her heart to see her so saddened. “History repeats itself in new iterations my dear” she murmured. “Each one improves upon itself. I fell in love with a man of fire and ashes who burned me to the ground. Now I’ve fallen in love with a woman of the same beginnings, and she too has burned me to the ground, though in a much better fashion. History won’t let you suffer so again. Not while I have a say in it at least” She was far better at taking care of others than she was herself.
“I will admit” she almost giggled for a moment. “Some of them are right bastards” she rarely cursed. But some of the men she’d seen in Denocte gave little left to describe them. Though she didn’t much like the faes description she let her ears flick forward a touch. “That, my dearest Caelum, seems like an admission of sorts” she quirked a brow upwards, waiting for the woman to go on.
imagine a fighter with a centerfold face
comes from a long line of blue collars and lace
with a grip like reins to a steed and kisses for days
It was an unintentional bonus.
The lack of flames that would draw her friend forward all the more. A safe place from the torches that flickered through out Night. "You are always welcome in my walls. I have a guest room and all you can hide in the next time the bonfire is lit." She teased, even if she was serious about offering to put up her friend when ever she might need the safety of a fire-less (other than the stoves) shop.
The news of Veneror Peak was not so welcoming.
As Lu tried to defend herself, Caelum's eyes grew more, and more narrowed, "You . . . went . . . alone?" She spoke so quietly, the words almost carried on a light breeze, soft and fragile as a petal. It was the calm before the storm, "LUVENA! Why would you go alone! And . . . ." She froze as her friend then mentioned the portals, and the fever from the winter, and this time Cael sighed heavily, as she slumped against the table, banging her forehead against it, "You are going to be the death of me! I am going to worry myself in a fit, and shall die, despite my immortality!"
She stared up at her friend with deadpan expression.
"Let my marker read 'Killed my the reckless of her own best friend, brought down by worry.'" She shook her head, before sitting up slowly, "Pray tell, Luvena, what were you thinking! Do you enjoy flirting with danger? Perhaps we should let you go wrestle the Teryr in Solterra? What of the Wendigo hiding somewhere on Novus. Do you want to go have dinner with it as well? " But this time, despite the angry words, there was real fear, real worry in her eyes, and she moved to bury her face into her friends mane, her wings limp against her back, "All I really have here is you, Luvena . . . I couldn't bear it if something happened to you." Sure, she had some other friends. She had Coy, who she had known since foalhood. But Luvena was her best friend. And losing her . . . Cael didn't know if she'd let herself get past that.
Lu's touch had Cael's eyes turning towards her.
The emotional turmoil she felt had her an open book before her friend, and her heart hurt more than she ever remembered it hurting before. "Then why hasn't it been approving? Losing Arson was hard. My best friend. Tremaine hurts to this day, knowing he is gone, he is gone because he tried to defend me. He was my everything." Her muzzle touched the necklace, her eyes squeezing shut briefly, feeling the soft thrum of heat from the spirit trapped inside. "Arson was hard, but Tremaine was supposed to be my future . . . and then Calico . . . and . . . Convallis. My sweet, little Convallis. Every time, it repeated, it stole something even more important. But my child. What kind of mother outlives their child?"
Tears fell from her eyes, she couldn't help it.
"I still dream of his voice, so filled with fear, with pain. I couldn't get to him. I tried so hard. I watched, from yards away as they tore the throat out of my baby." She slumped into the pillows, her gaze tormented, so afraid, "What will they take from me the next time I fall in love? What else do I have to be taken?" She asked quietly. Her wings her flat as she bowed her head, "Some queen I am, aren't I? How can my people support me when I'm so weak. Queen Caelum Bella Knoxx, Lady of the Fae, Light of Summer, Blessed Flower of Primulan City? I don't feel like that mare anymore. She died of heartbreak so long ago.
"I'm a changling. Playing the part.
But I'm not her." She sighed, wiping her face on a forelimb, trying to dry those tears. "I'm trying so hard, so hard to get better. But I'm so afraid to feel it. I keep burying the pain, ignoring it because it just hurts so much." She took a steadying breath, "It's been years. Seven since Arson, 5 since Tremaine, and 3 since Convallis. I want to believe the cycle is broken. Every two years, I lose someone, and yet nothing has happened yet, and I've hit the three year mark. But I wait with bated breath for horrifying news." She sighed, shaking her head, "I miss feeling like a faerie, you know.
"We're supposed to be such light, playful things.
"Momma, Papa, they called me an imp when I was a foal. My cousin and I got into so much trouble. We always pulled my brother and Arson into the mess too. I flooded the court rooms to make a swimming pool once. I glued the council to their chairs when they insulted my cousin. I would hide in closets and scare my aunt and uncle when they came to visit." She looked up at the whisps that hovered in their spheres, her gaze melancholy. "I met a stallion, not too long ago, before the meeting. Boleyn was his name. Right character that one . . . He was sooooo insulting. But, it felt like I was starting to heal, partaking in the battle of wills.
"For a moment, I felt like a fae.
"An imp, spinning his words back at him. Playful, carefree, like I wasn't hiding from my past. Like my heart wasn't shattered." She laughed, she couldn't help it. Remembering the indignation she felt when he'd suggested that her kink was coming up to strangers at night. "It was one of the more carefree moments I've felt in a long time. But this really isn't healing is it? I just keep trying to bury the pain more and more, don't I?" At some point she'd stopped trying to keep the appearance of the perfect daughter, the perfect fae.
Her words had gone so much more casual.
Contractions slipping free as her distress, her moment of fragility, of bearing her soul had her forgetting how she might be seen, how she was presenting herself. In that moment, she was more Caelum than she had been in so long. Less regal, less like a front, a perfect princess her father expected. She was the little faerie that got dirty running through the fields with arson. The little fae who got in trouble because of a prank she and Syn had played. In this moment, Luvena was seeing the Caelum buried so deep, deep in her heart, because it hurt so much to be this Caelum.
"I've always had a thing for the dark stallions."
She admitted, her gaze turning towards her friend, her gaze suddenly so sensitive, so scared. "But I can't help it, I can't help but notice when he appears. So dark and silent. Still as death. His eyes like ice. But in brief moments, out of the corner of my eye, I've also seen that ice shift, I've seen the slightest hint of a smile when he chuckles." She closed her eyes, before flopping in the most inelegant way, to exhausted to even try to put the facade back up, feeling lighter suddenly, lighter than she had in a long time. "What do you know, if anything; of the one named Vikander?" She finally asked, her expression so tentative, but it was progress.
Progress that was entirely Luvena's fault.
"Speech" Thoughts
@Luvena Notes: She broke Cael. She literally broke Cael. She's using CONTRACTIONS
and imagine a winner holding pink champagne
Wwo still loves her daddy but changes her name
an overachiever, even she don't believe her own fame
She ducked her head somewhat sheepishly, embarrassed that her friend knew her well enough for her statement. “I will likely take you up on that. Though I’m sure Isra will want me to stick around for it but… last time didn’t go well”
She slunk her head back just a touch, feeling like a child getting scolded - rightfully so. She grimaced as her friend raised her voice for just a moment, and pinned her ears flat back against her head, pain splitting through it. Luvena jumped slightly as Caelums head hit the table. She had dropped her own down into the pillows, listening to the fae, and waiting for the pain to subside before she spoke again.
“I was angry” she nearly mumbled the words. “That I was born like this. That I let down a whole generation of Xiaolis. A whole kingdom of people. That I let a man fool me into thinking he would help me fix that… That I let an entire kingdom fall into a literal pile of ashes.” she paused. Because she should have been most angry about those things. “And I was furious, that Acrux gave me the chance to have a child, and then Vega gave me a touch of life, a taste of what could have been, and then they ripped it all away without a single word of warning. My boy. Gone. immortality. Gone. The worst part was they didn’t even have the grace to do it all at once. It was just strength ebbing away day by day.”
She nudged her face deeper into the cushions. “I just wanted to do something for myself, for once. I thought I was going up there to make peace with the gods. Instead I took it out on some poor soul on the peak.” she shook her head. She had been cruel to Lovis, she still felt guilty for that. “I paid the price for it already, don't you worry.” she continued as Caelum pushed her face into her thin mane. “I hardly moved for a week after. I’m still paying for it I'm sure” She had pushed herself so hard that night, it was a miracle she had even made it home alive. There were still faint scars where she had cut up her legs falling on the way down.
“Sometimes the improvements are so small you don’t even notice them. But they pile up. You’ll see them. I promise” she whispered into the mare's shoulder. “The unlucky ones” she answered, forcing her own voice to stay steady through the words. Not a day went by where she didn’t think of her boys.
She had nothing to say for her next words, and could only brush her muzzle comfortingly along her side, as a mother would do to her crying child. “My dear I’ve failed as a queen twice now. I’m sure the people of Herstial who survived would love nothing more than to hang me with my husband. Last I heard your people loved you still. They wont forget that so quickly”
“If you don’t let yourself feel anything” she murmured. “Then you won’t let yourself heal either. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.” she spoke the words with as much conviction as possible, even though she would never be sure of how much truth they held. She tried to keep her thoughts from wandering that direction. She snorted at the antics, unable to help herself. “You flooded a court room? Goodness Caelum I’m glad you haven’t flooded my clinic then.” she paused, listening. “It would be healing, if you just let allowed yourself to take it without so much guilt”
She laughed. “You and me both. Apparently I have a thing for fire wielding warmbloods. I Haven't heard of him, but I’ll keep my eyes and ears peeled. I get all sorts of gossip through the clinic.”
imagine a fighter with a centerfold face
comes from a long line of blue collars and lace
with a grip like reins to a steed and kisses for days
Caelum would always keep a door open for her best friend.
She knew the issues she had with fire. She'd seen it that first night they had met. But she also knew to respect that Lu had Isra now, as well, "Of course, can't have your girlfriend worrying about why you're not having fun." She teased softly, squishing the little green bug creeping into her heart. It was silly to be jealous of Isra and Lu. She wanted Lu to be happy, and she had other friends to spend time with too. But it didn't make it any easier to hand your best friend away at the alter.
She'd be forever happy for them.
But, it was also a learning curve. The idea of her friend going to mountain, endangering herself in so many ways was like a dam breaking though. The fight seemed to extinguish with in the fae's tiny body as she crumbled to the table, her gaze low, worried, scared. She didn't want to lose someone else, she didn't want to lose Lu. She didn't know if her heart could take another loss. Still, she listened to her friends words, ears turning towards her when she spoke of being angry, of trusting the wrong people, of her kingdom becoming ash.
For a moment, Cael remembered the ash and fire of her city.
But she stomped that away, more focus on Lu, once more grabbing that memory with the others, scrunching it up into a tiny ball and shoving it deep, deep down. Of course, with the emotional dam break, the memory was soon close to the surface once more, fueling her fears, her heartbreak, her worries. She was concerned with her friend though, her muzzle reaching towards her, "I don't want you to have to pay the price, I don't want you to pay any price." She whispered against the neck of her best friend, "I want you well, and healthy. Happy with Isra. Giving me honorary nieces and nephews to play with.
"I want happiness for you, Luvena."
The words flowed so quickly, so effortlessly now that the cautious princess had been replaced by this version of Cael that had been buried for so long beneath the guilt, the fears, the pain and sorrow. She sank down to the pillows next to her friend, "I want happiness for both of us. I want my heart to not hurt, for me to stop having to bury memories that I'm afraid to face. I want to remember the happy times, not just the ending. I don't want to be some painted porcelain doll, hiding a whithering spirit deep inside." She admitted quietly.
She tilted her head, briefly hopeful.
So small they'll start to pile up. She wanted to see those improvements. She wanted to believe it. But it hurt so much. The comforting brush of a muzzle to her side did soothe some of her turmoil as Caelum managed a watery smile, "I don't know why they still love me . . . I lead the ones who destroyed Primulan City to our front doors." She admitted softly, "Well, if your people tried to hang you, I'd have something to say about that . . . " She added quietly to lighten the melancholy mood.
The idea of having to feel it though.
"It hurts to feel it, to feel it all. But . . . maybe that's why it hurts so much now. Letting a wound fester makes it worse, keeps it from healing - perhaps it's much the same with emotional wounds as well." She stated softly, before her watery laugh was more real, "In my defense, I was a young foal, and my cousin and I wanted to go swimming, and it was too far away. It was my cousin's idea to flood the court room into a swimming pool! I just . . . . was the one who actually did it."
She sighed softly, starting to feel some of that weight lift.
"It's so hard to not feel the guilt though. When I reach for a tiny body that isn't there anymore. When I see something that I know Trey would love and I go to show him. When I find Arson's favorite fruit in the market and I want to bring it home for him. When I want to reach out to my brother, and remember there's no contact with the outside world from the Winter Fae Court now." She sighed quietly, shaking her head, "But every so often a bit breaks through. A moment where I can laugh that my adventurous, you can't cage him down, brother is trapped behind a barrier playing the 'good prince' instead of the rebellious one. Or smiling at the memories of my son's first reaction when he tried a mint leaf. Or the way Trey could make me feel butterflies just by grinning crookedly at me, his dark eyes full of promise."
Her smile was less watery now.
"I miss being able to just think on those memories with out having to dig through the pain to find them." She did have to laugh softly at the idea of her friend having a thing for fire-wielders, "Yes, quiet ironic you've fallen into Isra's warm embrace, when you're so hell bent on avoiding fire." She laughed warmly, before flushing in embarrassment, shifting awkwardly, "Oh, no, you don't need to keep your eyes or your ears peeled! It was just a casual observation. It is not anything serious!" The fae muttered quickly, even as she buried her face in a pillow, "In fact, forget I said his name at all, yes?"
"Speech" Thoughts
@Luvena Notes: It's so weird not having to edit contractions out of her speech. Not making her word choices more eloquent.
and imagine a winner holding pink champagne
Wwo still loves her daddy but changes her name
an overachiever, even she don't believe her own fame
She nearly scoffed. “There would be no wondering about it. She knows how I felt about the last bonfire” She didn’t look back on the memory fondly. She’d absolutely broken down outside the court walls, watching the flames. Flicker upwards towards the sky.
She looked at Caelums words, though avoided the womans gaze. “I don’t… I don’t think I get both Caelum. I don’t get health and happiness. I’m okay with that. I have one, and it’s the one that I prefer” she paused, gently bumping her head against the womans neck. “So stop burying it” she replied. She knew it was easier said than done but. “Caelum I’ve lived my own lifetime of tragedy. There's not much you can say that would scare me at this point. Or much you could do… just don’t light a fire near me”
She laughed at the story still though. “My goodness Caelum what a little heathen you were!” she pushed as much lightheartedness into the words as she could, hoping the fae would know she meant the words in camaraderie.
She smiled at the fae for a moment. “Sometimes on my way to wherever I’m going I find Liatris or Eremurus flowers on the way” the names felt foreign on her tongue, she rarely said them aloud anymore. Their heaviness made her sentence come out with far less elegance than usual. “Even fewer times still I pick them and bring them home to hang outside the clinic. Let yourself grieve Caelum. It’ll do you some good in the long run. Even though it hurts now”
She huffed. “To be fair. I wasn’t hell-bent on avoiding it at all the first time…” Quite the opposite. She had fond memories of fireside festivals, and warm hearths. But that was before her husband had taken that joy from her. Before a woman with a dragon had brought flames upon the tallest trees. “My dear if you wanted someone who would forget” she paused. “You picked the wrong lady to befriend. And” She hummed as she said it, knowing now that she had a name to look out for. “I’ll remind you that my girlfriend has the census for the whole court”
She pulled herself to her feet a moment later, wincing against her own head for just a second. “I should go Caelum. Before this headache makes itself anymore known” she moved towards the door. “I’ll see you again soon though I hope?” she didn’t need the mares confirmation to know though that of course they would.
imagine a fighter with a centerfold face
comes from a long line of blue collars and lace
with a grip like reins to a steed and kisses for days
There was something relaxing, listening to Lu talk.
Perhaps it was a means of living vicariously through her, truly; experiencing more o life that she denied herself y how their relationship (Lu and Isra that is) is getting on. Part of Cael knew it was another dangerous copping mechanism, a means to keep herself sheltered, keep her heart hurting, keep her memories causing her pain, but . . . it felt easier that way. To avoid thinking about tit. To listen wistfully to another's stories.
The ugly, green pest couldn't stay buried though.
She only wished the best for Lu and Isra, she'd admit that wholeheartedly, but that didn't keep the green beast on her back from whispering in her ear. From feeling jealousy and regret rise in her chest. Regret that it was her own decisions keeping her back and away from feeling that happiness with another, and jealousy that Lu was able to move past her own issues to welcome Isra's advances. There was also buried fear. A fear she'd never get to the point to heal herself. She'd be alone, for the rest of time, a spinster mare who had the chance at a family, only for it to be stolen away. That her chance had been her only chance, and she'd never get that chance again.
It was perhaps this fear that hurt the most.
It could suffocate her at night. Wondering what the rest of her life might be like if she would be alone in her shop for the rest of the time. Mixing up her herbs and medicines, while her friends move on, have families, grow together. Little foals running under foot. Taking more time to be a family together. And she'd be stuck, stuck in that back room, mixing up medicines as her shop would grow quiet, her friends no longer stopping by as often, she would be left alone. Alone . . . alone.
She didn't want that.
Perhaps that is why it was so good for her to have hit this breaking point today. To be challenging herself to open up, to talk, to cry, to feel. Oh, and did she feel. She forgot how much her heart could hurt. The ache seemed to be forcing the beats out of order. The dull pain that would spike with stabbing memories made her want to cry, laugh and scream all at the same time. Hold them close, and throw them away. Kept treasured, but unable to be looked at. Stuck in the middle of a fork, wondering which side to go down. The path filled with pain, loneliness, regrets, and distance from the rest of the world; or the path where she could smile and laugh about the places she came from, the things she did, the stories of her friends, her son, Trey or Arson. To be able to remember them with fondness, not bury their memories in pain.
She wanted that lightness again.
For all parts of her to be lighter. To be able to playfully banter with a stranger, to impishly grin and play a joke on a friend. But, like her own issues, Luvena wasn't as healed as she wanted, "Why can't you have both?" She asked softly, nuzzling her friend, "Why can't I want you to have both?" She wanted the world for Lu, wanted to give her the moon and stars, because in her eyes, her best friend deserved so much of it. But, like Caelum, she had her own issues, her own tragedies. "It's so hard to just let it out though. To sit back and wonder where to start, where to go."
She did have to smile slightly.
Heathen indeed. Her gaze was soft, though sad, smiling slightly; "A horrible little heathen. My father's council hated it. Would drive them insane. They would check their seats before they sat. And they refused to eat in the same room as myself and Regal. It was triple as bad when my Cousin, Absynthe would come to visit." She added softly, wistfully, before sighing, "I think . . . if I grieved proper . . . it'd just make it more real." She admitted softly.
She'd been avoiding it for so long.
Thankfully, Lu had a way of bringing her from these thoughts, as she was reminded just where Lu stood in the court. Caelum's face was pressed into a pillow, groaning, "I'd forgotten about that census. Feel free to pretend to forget, I'm sure he wouldn't be interested anyway. Probably has already forgotten about me. No need to go digging, really." She was fine as she was, right? She glanced up when her friend spoke, and she frowned gently before nodding, "Perhaps get some rest. Of course you'll see me again soon. Heaven knows I am certainly not the sort to turn down some quality time with my best friend." She murmured, before walking Luvena to the door, wishing her well before closing it behind her, and collapsing back onto some pillows, her thoughts returning to everything that had been spoken today.
