jane
What was there for Jane that she could say, to convey just how much Veil meant to Jane. To portray the pain that she was feeling in this situation. She was achingly aware of the awkwardness between them, but if she was being honest it was because she could barely get a word out. Her entire chest, her person burned with regret and misery as she looked upon this person that she had betrayed.
How could Jane convey that part of the reason that she had dropped contact was not because she didn’t want to know Veil, but because she didn’t want Veil to know her. Jane’s vibrancy and youth had gone as soon as the summons of her parents was accepted. She was followed, always, by the dog whose name was Failure, and her blood lay thick along its jaw.
Jane had thought she could get it back, when she went home. But she had had nothing- it didn’t take more than an hour for her to realise her painstaking naivete, that everything was gone- if it had existed. In the end, Jane made no attempts to get it back as she came to the terms that, simply, she did not think she deserved to have it back.
She had failed herself.
Jane had tasted knowledge once, in the kingdom of Novus. Standing in the woods she had looked up at a library full with knowledge older than the oldest mind alive. She had tasted it, she had been- tempted. Even with the expulsion from her family, Jane had finally felt the subtle liqueur of freedom, even though it smelt of sweat and hunger. It had also smelt like stardust.
You had things to accomplish. The words only scraped harder against Jane’s conscience. It wasn’t alright, it wasn’t okay, she’d ruined everything. What right did she have to Veil’s conversation, even right now? Where was Isaar?
She had come to recognise his sick loneliness. He had lost his true love, he had named early on We will not love each other and he had been right. The thing that had bonded them, however, had been true and utter self revulsion. His had been for acts that he never named for Jane, war acts and atrocity that he had surely seen. Hers, in comparison, were smaller. Still, the two would sit each night in true silence, unending silence that seemed to last forever- united in their coupled misery.
Jane smiled, trying to be happy as she looked to the antlered mare. She heard the way Veil’s words were stilted. “And she’s- she’s good to you? I hope you know that if she ever- if anyone ever does anything to you I’ll kill them.” She coughed at the last words, stumbling a bit. Humiliation and embarrassment burned even brighter in her voice.
Veil mentioned helping Jane out in terms of locations. It was a dead conversation, despite everything, and yet Jane clung to it and the possibility of future interactions. “Please” Jane started to say, but then interrupted herself, clamping her teeth shut around the hiss of the ‘s’. Her eyes widened, analysing her own words. True panic and terror spread through her body, a rabid self disgust that worked its way up through her veins. Please what? Please stay? Please- what right do you have to ask anything of her? That’s right, you have nothing. “I mean- I would really like that.”
But Jane’s own offer was accepted, and the two of them were soon walking towards a stall owned by a short pegasus with butterfly wings. Jane listened to her friend, her sister, speak and felt herself relax a little. Maybe, just maybe, things could be okay.
But no- no- Veil did not deserve that. Did not deserve Jane- Jane was not what she had been.
“I’ll uh- I’ll have the same, thank you,” she said to the faelike server. She then followed Veil’s inquiry and nodded, smiling. “That’d be lovely.”
@[Veil Nebula] / speaks cries i just love them :cccc
