It isn't the gesture that lasts,
but it dresses you again in gold
armor —from breast to knees—
and the battle was so pure
an Angel wears it after you.
✧
T
here is a chance that if I was not the sort of man I was—self-absorbed, inwardly focused—I might have noticed her change of disposition. But I am a certain type of man; the kind that speaks without listening, who demands companionship and yet possesses no empathy. I speak of fear because she asked. I speak of fear—and my father—because I am the man he raised. And anyways, we fall victims to the curse of humanity. The darkness between us spreads vast and impenetrable. The night obscures our secrets. It hides from her the clouding of my eyes; the way that as I stare into flames I remember the long hallway and the dark silhouette of my father, waiting. He must have known I watched him—he must have known. The question she does not ask, I ask myself: why did he not close the distance between us?
If I had the answer, it might not be so difficult for me to close the distance between Sereia and I in this very moment. I would bring out someone who is different. Easier to be around than other people. Sereia delivers the admission tensely, almost curtly; there appears to be more depth beneath the words, but she does not share it, and I do not further inquire. I only regard her above the flames.
I want to tell her, that is a dream. Those people do not exist. And then I remember Bondike, and the ease between us, and for the first time I close my eyes.
Thank you for the company and the fire. I should go but I shall look out for you again.
When she leaves, I do not open them. No, I do not open them again until the images behind my eyes abate. Someone who is different, she had said, and I had not known what she meant. I only knew the truth as it applies to me; just as she only knew fear as it applies to her.
The night goes on with only Damascus and I, and eventually I sleep. When the sun rises the fire is all burnt out and it occurs to me, not for the first time, I belong to nothing in this vast country.
